Abuse continuing from Mother in Care Home

[JayneyT]

My question today is; do I have a moral obligation to keep visiting my mother in her care home, when she is being unspeakably rude and emotionally abusive to me?

Those of you who have been reading my posts and supporting me on this forum will know that I have a long running toxic relationship with my mother who has abused my sister and I all of our lives. I finally got her into a care home two months ago, and thought my problems were over!

Basically, she is now obsessing over an empty room in her care home which is for a couple and has its own little kitchenette and seating area as well as a bedroom. It also costs over £2000 a week. I have explained to Mum several times that she does not have the funds to pay for this and the care home manager has also told her that the room is for two people and is needed for potential respite residents. I have typed out the state of her bank account so she can see there is a deficit already between incomings and outgoings and that I am just about managing to keep her where she is, and there is no room for further care home fees.

It was Mum‘s birthday yesterday and I had organised a special lunch with all the family in a local restaurant. When I turned up in my best new dress to collect her, the carers at the reception desk warned me that Mum was gunning for me, and had been telling them all week that she was going to tell me to arrange for her to move to this bigger room. She had apparently been sulking in her room all week and refusing to leave it. They were quite right! Mum ignored me all the way from the care home to the restaurant, and then sat opposite me sniping and bitching at me throughout the whole meal in front of My Children and grandchildren.

At the end of the meal, I went to the ladies and she followed me, waiting for me when I came out of the cubicle and blocking my way out. She then told me that I had to do “everything possible” and speak to “the powers that be” to get her moved into the Double room. She said she wasn’t coping in the room she has (which is beautiful with door opening on to the garden and which she loved when we looked around the place originally).

I again calmly told her that she did not have the funds for this and that I had given her a monthly schedule of her income and outgoings so that she knows exactly where she stands. She denied that I had ever told her and she also denied that the care home manager had told her that the rooms were unavailable for single people. She just kept saying that I had to sort it out for her and that if I didn’t, she would not be staying at the care home. Then she stormed out of the ladies, grabbed her bag and birthday gifts and told my husband to take her back to the care home, leaving me in floods of tears, along with my four year old granddaughter who couldn’t understand why Mum hadn’t said goodbye to her or thanked her for her presents and drawings.

My husband kindly drove her back to the care home and tried to explain to her again that she does not have the funds for a double suite And neither does she need it. She then verbally attacked him and told him he had no right to tell her what to do.

My husband made the carers aware, when he left her there, that there had been an “incident” at the restaurant and they said they would keep an eye on her.I’ve heard nothing since

For my own mental health, I feel like I need to withdraw from her completely now and just let the care home manager deal with her, but I’m worried that she is going to try to leave. I simply cannot take any more of her mental and emotional abuse. I want the home to carry out a full mental health assessment on her, because her attempts to coercively control both the staff and me are getting out of hand. The senior carer on the floor apparently told her during the week to stop throwing her toys out of her pram and behaving like a five-year-old, which to my mind was spot on, but of course Mum didn’t like it and wants her sacked now.

Any thoughts on what I should do next? I want to walk away and just process her bills every month, but would that be neglect?

[selinakylie]

@JayneyT I think you have every right to distance yourself for a few weeks and let the Care Home staff deal with your mother. You have been through a lot and sound mentally quite fragile. Does anyone else in the family visit her? I know she is an older lady, but you do not deserve to have this degree of emotional abuse when you only did the very best for her. I think if you do ‘back off’ she will accept that she cannot move to the larger rooms…

I had to go through this with my late father. It was horrible having him taken into hospital against his will but I was NOT prepared to sleep walk into caring for 2 nasty old men. He would not speak to me when I phoned to ask how he was when her was in hospital.

One other suggestion is maybe to phone your local ‘Support for Carers’ and talk it through with them. The other thing is to see if you could find a good counsellor to talk things through with. I know ‘disengaging’ comes with risks at her age. But there are compromises. For example you could send her a card with ‘Thinking of you’. Speak to her on the phone where you have some ‘physical distance’?

I do not think you need to feel guilty if you need to walk away temporarily for a break, Then if her behaviour does NOT improve consider backing off long term.

[Victoria_1806]

BIG warm hugs @JayneyT and some more. You already know, I hope, that stepping back is the right thing for YOU to do. I put that in capitals because you’re the one better than anyone who understands how much pain, worry, mental strife you’ve been under especially over the last year, as well as your life!
I’m relieved that you’ve already got to that conclusion, it’s you reclaiming your time and energy - for your sake and your kids and grandkids!
It sounds like you need reassurance and affirmation that you know you’re doing the right thing and we can give tons of that.

I’m not going to excuse anything your mother’s done - UGGHHH and terrible. She does need a medical evaluation for dementia, there’s like more cognitive/mental issues going on BUT regardless of the medical cause, the impact on you and your family is the same.
FYI She’s never going to understand about the money or the room, because if she has a mental disability/dementia A to B does not make C only $%*(£

I’d recommend holding in your mind that she’s mentally unstable and that may help you step away more easily. FYI In worst episodes my Dad called us his jailors…but my dad being what he was then cried later at being ‘bad’ towards us. Me thinks your Mum put you in the jailor role

It may be worth sitting down with the centre manager to set boundary of when and how often they call you before you step back so that you don’t get calls all the time too. You can’t go running at your Mum’s beck and call..and hopefully the home can manage things.

dear @JayneyT personally I don’t think you need to rationalise or justify anything to us or your Mum - you’ve been doing amazing things to keep your mum safe and cared for AND you’re still doing a Carers job regardless of how often or if you see her…Putting yourself and your family first is not selfish, I think it’s a sane rational healthy choice given your mother’s mental state right now.

[Sue24]

@JayneyT…I’m so sorry that mum is still being emotionally abusive to you and it hasn’t worked out as it should have with the burden being taken off you now she’s in the home. You have no obligation whatsoever to continue to visit your mum especially when it’s having such an impact on your own mental health!! I made the decision not to visit my husband when he was in the care home as he had already told me he didn’t want to be friends and each time I went into see him he would barely acknowledge me and just talk to my daughter!! I haven’t seen him since last September. I do feel guilty at times but know that this is not down to me and that he has to take accountability for his actions. It’s a tough decision for you to make. Sending big hugs

[Charlesh47]

Hi @JayneyT Sending hugs. No one should have to go through all that, especially when your’e doing all you can in your mum’s interests.

I strongly suggest a word with the care home manager about getting a mental capacity assessment (MCA) done on your mum regarding where she chooses to live. It’s quite clear she isn’t making a rational decision based on facts, but on wishes and on the mistaken belief that she’d be able to manage her own needs in the double room. And I suggest strongly that whenever the room is discussed, that is what everyone calls it…

If she passes the MCA, which I seriously doubt, whatever she does is on her. Not something you can deal with. If she fails, there will need to be a DOLS assessment to reach a best interests decision, which can be taken out of your hands if you wish but is likely to mean she stays where she is.

It’s hard, but it’s what she needs. You need the break - so whatever happens, stepping back is the best thing you can do for you. Me, I’d rather play with a 4 year old toddler than an 80+ year old one.

[bowlingbun]

@Charlesh47

she is.

It’s

Jayney, huge hugs from me, you have done ENOUGH! Dementia can present in many different ways, but for the sake of your own well being, do not go and see her again. If she won’t stop being nasty, it’s the only thing left.
Tell the manager of the home that staff must NEVER ring you, in future, everything must go through the manager herself.

[JayneyT]

@Victoria_1806 @selinakylie @bowlingbun @Sue24 @Charlesh47 thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I have had a more restful day, including an hour on the phone to Mum’s last surviving brother (of the 6 she had!), he said much the same as you all.

I have composed an email to the Care Home Manager, scheduled to go first thing tomorrow, explaining what happened and asking for a MCA as Charles suggests. I also said I will not be in direct touch with Mum for the foreseeable. My husband has told me not to pick up if Mum calls me directly. to you all. You are appreciated

[Michael_1910123]

@JayneyT , sorry to hear what is going on. I would also suggest also to put in the email is that after your mum had this test that you have a meeting with the manger but away from the care home to talk things over before they speak to you mum. It sound like you mum has got CDO, my mum has it and it;s a nightmare when she gets into that habbit of wanting something no matter to do to have it. The hardest part is getting her to think it not worth it.

[JayneyT]

Thank you Michael. Yes OCD was mentioned when I saw a MH specialist about Mum some years ago, although of course she refused to engage with the support being offered and denied she had it. It’s, as you say, like she has got her teeth into this idea of changing to a bigger room, and she’s incapable of just dropping it when told she can’t have it.

[bowlingbun]

Block mum’s calls so you don’t even hear them. Saves the guilt feelings.
I had to put my answerphone on permanently when mum was living at home, after dad died. She always rang when I was concentrating very hard on writing my magazine all about old commercial vehicles. 20 sides of A4 every 3 months, 50 photographs. AMum never understood that I needed to work for a living, whereas she had a fat Civil Service pension! After her hour long calls I’d completely lost the thread of what I was doing and was so annoyed trying to continue was useless.

[BeccaP]

Not a lot to add @JayneyT i just wanted to add my voice to the support here. It must be incredibly hard to deal with that.

Please step back for your own mental health if you can. You will likely feel guilty either way so put yourself first.

Think of her like a toddler hitting out at the person they feel safest with if it helps? Because thats effectively whats happening.

Not quite the same situation but i always remember my grandfather snapping at my mum once because she couldnt go over and see him ‘well dont you want me to feel better then’. It absolutely devastated her at the time because she was seeing him twice a day and speaking to him on the phone at least twice for an hour at a time.

All this in short to say, when those close to us at this point, they lash out when they feel out of control and its a way to try and gain the upper hand. The best thing you can do is ignore the tantrum and move on, as long as you know the person is in a safe, secure location. If that means stepping back for a week/month then sobeit. I’d even tell yiur mum why

[Tiredanne]

@JayneyT sending hugs. It is hard to imagine such a toxic mum but I had one and know you must step back from her. Be strong, put you and what sounds like a supportive partner, first. Sounds like you found the support here that I found too.
Sending huge hugs

[JayneyT]

Just when I thought I had heard it all! The care home manager rang me yesterday to say Mum had asked her to call me and ask for a itemised itinerary of everything that is in her house. We are not sure why she wants it, but we suspect it is another controlling Strategy. We decided between us that whilst there might not be any loss of capacity, there is definitely some cognitive impairment now. Mum is simply not understanding what is being conveyed to her and won’t let it drop.

So today, the GP who visits the home Every Thursday was asked to visit Mum and carry out an MCA and/or an MHA on the grounds that information given is not being retained and mum is even refuting that she has been given such information. I must admit I was hopeful!

The Care Home called me tonight to say that there had been a Meeting Between the GP and the care manager and Mum‘s key workers. The events of the last eight weeks were run through in fine detail. The GP declared that my mum is “simply stubborn” and that it is “a family matter”. She apparently said that Mum has not lost capacity and therefore there is no need to do an assessment of any kind. Most importantly, this genius of a GP neither saw nor spoke to my mum! And when asked, she was actually unfamiliar with whom my Mum is.

I have obviously complained to the GP surgery asking why and how the GP can make these assumptions without even having a conversation with the patient! And clearly without ever having read through her notes and medical history of mental health concerns. It beggars belief and I am seething. Luckily the Care Home are so understanding.

I have done my best and am now walking away from the situation for as long as I can manage

[Victoria_1806]

GEEZ! I can’t believe that that’s normal practice for a GP to not see the patient and unilaterally pass judgment…Well WHISKY TANGO FOXTROT WTFx100, @JayneyT
I’m glad I decided to do a quick read of messages to catch this and reply now.
Sending over the punch bag
AND hugs

These are the times when we’re screaming, punching with rage, and crying with exasperated disbelief at how idiotic people can be.
I’m glad you’ve complained. The ‘assumptions’ also sound like abdicating medical responsibility (and paperwork) and pushing more burden onto the ‘family’

I’m more worried for you, knowing you’ve done so much and getting pulled back again and again without MHA. Your mother will keep assuming/telling/expecting you to jump…
Can I suggest you and your husband get VERY clear on what you will and will not do and telling the GP, the Social worker, the care home,
Sounds like your Mum’s wanting to track and inventory her belongings and may start accusing/questioning a list to say she has the money for the other room. I can’t remember the details about your Mum’s house and if you’re the sole power of attorney, but I wonder if you need to involve an accountant or 3rd party person, to make an overview statement of all her money and stuff, so it’s available as ‘objective proof’ for your Mum. Otherwise it’s always you on your own having to defend your actions. Also, this could be a next step to making someone else power of attorney, or a solicitor.
It’s so tough on you especially given all the history! BIG hugs

@Charlesh47 probably has the most experience with this kind of situation

Big hugs JayneyT

[selinakylie]

@JayneyT Cyber hugs. Cannot really add much to what Victoria has already said. I too am gobsmacked that a GP can make an assessment of your mother having Mental Capacity having not spoken to her or read her notes. I am so glad that the Care Home are understanding.
Please stay strong re getting drawn in. Easy to say but hard to do I know.
Thinking of you. I do know Mental Capacity is fluid and in many cases, it is VERY hard to get an a decision saying that the person has NOT got it as it is assumed that they have!!! Would her GP be prepared to do a letter maybe? The GP she had before going into the home as I believe they knew her for years?

[Charlesh47]

@Victoria_1806 Most of my experience with this sort of situation is that the GP knows the patient well, or that they are careful to ensure that they carry out the assessment. The big question then is whether the assessment follows the law. This one didn’t, in that concerns have been raised about capacity and therefore it cannot simply be assumed.

That said, it’s clear the GP has come across other situations and is trying to avoid another complicated situation.

Then of course there’s the age old problem of whether mum would cooperate. But the point is to try.

I cannot understand why the GP would not at least test out their concerns that this is a “family affair” and that mum is ok, when it’s clear the care home also has concerns. That should have been the trigger.

[Tiredanne]

@JayneyT I think under something called Martha’s Law you are entitled to a second opinion on any medical decision. I know it was being rolled out but perhaps, if you have the energy, contact the GP to ask for this.
It is not acceptable that this decision has been made. Complaining about GP is long winded but I felt it gave me some focus away from worrying about all the caring.
The Care Home seems supportive so perhaps ask them to get a second opinion arranged.
Mum is not just being stubborn she is being abusive. This is coercive behaviour.
I think the advice on the inventory by @Victoria_1806 is really helpful. If you are the sole holder of the power of attorney it may be useful to get someone to confirm any decisions you make. Especially bank accounts etc as it seems Mum is not beyond accusing you of all sorts of things.
A quick way to record contents is to take pictures of each part of the house on your phone but I think this is a method to bully you again.
You must be feeling so worn down by it all, I do hope you are getting more support for your needs, friends, family and official support
Hugs x

[JayneyT]

Thank you all for reaching out in the wee small hours of the morning. Our little dog had his surgery yesterday, so I was downstairs with him, as he had pulled off the cone of shame, but too tired to put a sane response together!

The inventory and photos of the house and its contents are good ideas BUT the sale of the house is due to complete in two week’s time and we have been slowly emptying it - all with Mum’s permission, which I have witnesses to. Her clothes and personal items are in my loft but everything else has now gone to a Church charity for the homeless. And yes I am the only POA she has……..

My husband and I are clear that we will have no contact for the moment, which includes taking her calls, although she hasn’t tried to call us yet. My Uncle phones her every evening, and listens to her “drivel,” for five minutes. I will try and relax over the long weekend and take up the reins re the GP again on Tuesday. They have acknowledged my email, so will wait for their response.

Thank you all again for your useful advice.

[bowlingbun]

No one can be forced to do anything for anyone else.
If mum “has capacity” then she can jolly well do an inventory on her home HERSELF!
In your shoes I would be absolutely hopping mad, seething, and everything else as well!
Having dealt with four elderly stubborn parents in denial, I know how hard it is.

[selinakylie]

@JayneyT You could resign as ‘POA’? If you did this then surely the ‘Court of Protection’ would have to step in and deal with her? Hopefully it wont come to this, but I totally agree you need some space and a chance to step back.
Hope your little dog is doing ok? The ‘cone of shame’ is always a challenge with my cats.