Struggling to come to terms with my own needs and being fair to my mother

I’m finding it really hard at the moment to put myself first without feeling like an absolute bottom exit. I’m being guilt tripped by my mother and getting friction and more arguments which is not helping my mental well being at all.

Crux of the issue is that I do not want to be a permanent carer for my mother. I am 41, she is 81, and has a severe curvature of the spine. Her health has worsened in recent months so I’ve been doing more. I have poor health myself and am what seems like ill with flu’s and colds permanently. My mental health is a shambles. My mother knows I am doing Open University to try and get my life on track, and I’m looking for work. She says she accepts that and supports me, but when it actually comes to making hard decisions and sacrifices she is completely unhelpful and creates unnecessary frustration. I just can’t deal with it. I feel like she’s working against me all the time.

Unfortunately due to my anxiety issues I’ve lived at home my whole life and it has left me with a deep resentment toward my mother for not pushing me harder and encouraging me to leave. I feel due to her own insecurities it suited her to have me around and it was easy for me, but now I am getting older I want to change. I am desperate to be independent and it has come at the worst time, when my mother is losing her health. But I am in no state to look after her. I can barely look after myself.

Sorry for a rant, I just have to vent I suppose.


I’m in an almost identical situation to you (only a year younger too) with a difficult mother/daughter relationship and my own health issues - both physical and mental. I don’t have much advice, unfortunately, but wanted to ask if you’ve spoke to social services to try and get some support in place? You are both entitled to it.

If you need someone to vent to, please feel free to drop me a message.


Hey @SimonA, you are not alone. Come on to the roll call and vent there as well. There a great bunch of us venting. See your GP and tell them the situation and they can put you in touch with the right people plus some will do a refural on your behalf explaining the situation as it can be awkward trying to explain.


Michael, my mum had severe curvature of the spine, misdiagnosed for a while as osteoporosis, later diagnosed with DISH - Diffuse Ideopathic Spinal Hyperostosis. So bent her head was almost on her waist, she used to be about 5ft 9in, like me. As she became more bent the pressure on the nerves was so high that the nerves to her legs would suddenly stop getting messages, and she kept falling. Your mum should be entitled to DLA. If she has over £23,000 she should fund her care herself.

1 Like

Your mum should be getting PIP. Call social services in the morning in order to ask for a needs evaluation. Also contact a local citizens advice bureau office to seek advice regarding a benefit application form on behalf of your mother. I recommend calling or emailing. Ask your family doctor what else they can do in addition to get you help. Good luck. Welcome to the forums.

I am in a situation quite similar to yours. My mother is 86 and needs me for home duties. I am a little isolated in an area that for better words is not a good one so have kept to myself. My mother is stage 7 dementia and has severe and aggressive mood swings that are sometimes quite challenging. So I can totally get where you are at, its difficult but I find keeping your mind positive and not dwelling on negative is a huge help!! Doing small things to make you and her happy is always good for the soul.

Pretty Patient, I’m really concerned for your own well being. Are you getting any help at all?

OP welcome to the forum in order to start with.

Please give us more details. I wonder if your mom would qualify for benefits. You would have to ring up citizens advice bureau to ask on Monday morning first thing. You are in my prayers too. Hugs. Also you didn’t specify if she was getting any help or not. Best wishes to you. There are loads of good care companies in Britain, try CQC website to find one. It is nice to meet you.