My mum hit her carer and threatened to kill her

My 96 year old mum can’t cope with carers she doesn’t remember and becomes very aggressive. She has recently been in hospital with a chest infection and also diagnosed with delusional hyperactivity which no help was given for. I live many miles away and can’t cope with this now, has been too many years…I was wondering if anyone else had experience of this an if social services should be involved?thank you

Hi Paula,
Welcome to the forum.

Sadly, some sort of mental decay is almost inevitable at the age of 96.

The time has come for mum to move into residential care, an EMI home, for the Elderly Mentally Infirm.

I’m dismayed that the hospital didn’t realise this and make appropriate arrangements. When was mum discharged?

Hitting anyone else isn’t acceptable, you need to contact Social Services, explain what has happened, and get them to do an URGENT Needs Assessment, today if possible.

What have the care agency done to help with regard to mum? They also need to talk to Social Services.
Is the doctor aware of what is going on? He too should be contacting Social Services urgently.

Think of your role now as Care Organiser. Do you have Power of Attorney arranged?
Do you want mum to be in a home near you, or where her home is?
How will it be funded depends on a variety of factors
Mums’ savings
Whether or not she owns her property.

I know it’s hard, but stay where you are, and make sure everyone understands that at your age you CANNOT help. Just keep repeating that, so you get the message across!

Thank you Bowlingbun for your advice, I hadn’t heard of EMI homes. My mum was only discharged from hospital last Friday. She is ok with her regular carers but the evening carer that is being sent now she just won’t tolerate although I can get my mum to cooperate sometimes if I speak to her on the phone when the carer is there, I live 120miles away. She has never had any assement from social services and in fact when she first needed professional care, just over a year ago, SS just dismissed me as my mum is self funding which is still the case. Her GP does need to be informed of this and I have asked the care company to do this. I will if they don’t (they have said they will) and I need SS to be involved too…

Hi Paula. I am really sorry to hear about your distressing circumstances. In addition to bowlingbun’s post, you can contact Samaritans for emotional support. Samaritans is available round the clock, every single day of the year, for anyone who is struggling to cope. You can contact them for free on 116 123. Also, have you been in touch with any mental health organisations? Mind and Rethink Mental Illness provide a wealth of information and support to anyone affected by mental illness.

Regarding your Mum, it might be helpful to contact Age UK or Independent Age. Once again, I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hope you find the support you need both on this forum and elsewhere. Other forum members may have other suggestions too.

EMI homes ?

In street language … Specialist care homes for dementia patients

If starting from scatch , two links which will be of immediate assistance :

Choosing a care home for someone with dementia

Care homes | Information and Advice | Age UK

Both are very good at all the basics … including the thorny subject of fees !

CHC / NHS Continuing healthcare … NOT to be dimissed :

If I was to mention that , if so approved , said care is FREE , would that sharpen your interest ?

If one doesn’t ask for , one doesn’t get … ?

Do you have Power of Attorney for mum?
Were you kept informed by the hospital of discharge arrangements, as next of kin?

It’s so common for SS to walk away from a self funding case.

When our Social Worker was told Mum would be self funding, she may as well of pulled out a party popper and danced for joy. Instead she replied “Good, I don’t have to fill out any paperwork”. Sheer laziness. She went, never to be seen again.

I’m assuming those who are Council funded are constantly hounded by Social Services?

Social Workers to me, rather than doing the job they are paid for, are just out to save every penny they can. No matter the harm it causes the client and family.

In answer to your Question, my Mum lashed out at a Nurse while she was in hospital. I was leaving and Mum decided to follow me, although she only had one more night in hospital.

The severity of it struck me hard, the Nurses had to fill out a book saying what had happened. My Mum, who despite having early signs of dementia, has never had a more severe dressing down from me. She does tend to listen to me and nothing like it has happened since.

If SS won’t listen, then complain and complain until they do listen. Something I’ve learnt from this forum…

SS is wrong to dismiss her care assessment just because she is potentially self funded. Dont be fobbed off, you should also have a care assessment.

How do I get a care need assessment?

Get in touch with the adult social services department of your local council and ask for a care assessment (also known as a needs assessment). Explain you need support managing everyday tasks like washing, dressing and cooking.

There’s no charge for a care assessment and you’re entitled to one regardless of your income and savings, and regardless of what your needs are.

Thanks for your advice Karma…the care company have been so very good in getting a carer mum knows each time.They have also been in touch with her GP re the problem and are hoping to get mental health services involved. To be honest with you I have run out of fight at the moment after struggling with a son who was a drug/alcohol addict for 10 years, my dad dying 5 years ago and caring for him before he died and then my mum for the last 5 years and my marriage breaking down. Going through the very slow divorce process at the moment there are on,y so many battles I can fight as my mental health is not good either!

Bless you, do one thing at a time, take care of yourself. But do try get SS involved, as a proper laid out care plan and needs assessment is vital going forwards, and it sounds like someone needs to be offering you some support so insist on a care assessment for yourself. Do not feel obliged to tell SS you are able to support your Mum simply because you are supporting her, you need to be factually excluded from her assessment in order for them to not dump everything on you.
Sound as if you had your Mum’s situation in hand it would free you up to focus on your own self-care, and grief. Make sure to visit your own GP explain your current burdens and ask for support from local CMHT and perhaps get some one to one counselling for yourself.
Take care Paula