I would strongly recommend that you just get the removers to do it all. When my son had to have his flat emptied to be completely redecorated, the removers were amazing. They came armed with paper, packing boxes, knew the order to pack etc. Your mum IS going to be a nightmare this week and I’m afraid she will end up having an enormous wobbly. It might be better for her to stay as calm as possible in her old home, sorting out what to keep or chuck. Using removers would take a whole lot of pressure off you too.
Everything is already in boxes. Clothes/ sheets etc are all in them sealed vacuum bags. We have been doing it since the section 21 came in. Everything is just waiting to be moved now. The stuff in my room was my fault because I spend 90 percent of my life running around after people. Everything else is sorted apart from last minute things such as microwave, cutlery draws and food cupboards.
Unfortunately we just don’t have the money to do a full removal. I’ve made a strand that I’m not lending mum anymore money until the stuff she owes me is paid back. She owes me £1000 at the moment and she can only pay £100 a month. Sometimes I don’t get that back because she thinks buying clothes is more important. She’s purposely only eating toast to have more money.
She’s a nightmare with money. She thinks because she has it she can spend it, and then if anything important comes up- it’s up to someone else to pay for it. She thinks she can use the ‘my partner died’ sob story and get away with it.
This is the issue with her she spends hundreds on each month on stuff she doesn’t need, she’s going to Asda each day and spending money on new blouses in every colour possible then cries she can’t afford food. She accuses you of depriving her if you tell her off. She must have about 200 blouses never worn and she still buys more- her excuses are it’s for pub. But she doesn’t buy just one - she has to have them in every colour.
This is the problem. Every pound is spending money, but it’s okay she’ll get a grant for everything else.
I helped her save £2000 before and she just spent it all within a couple of months on top of the 1500 she gets per month (1100 after rent) and still claimed she had nothing and couldn’t afford to eat. It’s not like she has any fancy stuff either.
All her bills are pretty cheap because I’ve worked hard to get her on the best rates.
Tv -15
Internet - 15
Council 15
Water 20
Phone 13
Netflix 5 (she shares with me).
Disney everyone takes mine.
I won’t let her have prime because of all the inapp payment stuff.
Aside from that it’s only gas and electric and food to pay for. Gas and electric come up to about 130 a month. Food- you’re looking about 80 if she batch cooks like I do.
Everything else maybe 20 a month.
A giant soap powder for £11 lasts me around 6 months for two- three washes a week.
She’s always complaining I have fancy expensive shoes. I wear vans because they are great for support and they are fairly gender neutral which is great for someone like me whose foot size is very disproportionate to my actual height. 5ft 5 and between and 8 and a 9 in a shoe. According to certain shoe shops including the one I used to work at- I don’t exist) I only really buy a £40 pair the vans outlet in York maybe once a year. (I have a fair few I don’t just have one pair of shoes- they last ages) But she still doesn’t like it because they are expensive.
As far as we know she’s getting a £50 voucher for paint from the housing association.
She will get a discretionary payment from the council to help cover the rent, I have to give £400 on Monday but will get it back.
We can apply for a budgeting loan from universal credit to pay for stuff She can only get £350. She will get a small grant for other stuff from the housing association to help with removal costs. She’s giving me £50 for petrol and she’s bloody well buying us a chippy tea after. I’m not doing all that then going home and cooking.
She’s just going to have to work hard for other stuff. Heck she gets more than I do as a full time working person. I have to pay for all my medication- some of it privately too.
I’ve tried to do my own personal budgeting techniques with her and she just doesn’t listen.
She always looks at you like she’s waiting for you to finish talking so she can talk at you at length about something she’s interested in such as this weeks pub drama.
Honestly I hate the pub and I hate alcohol. And yet I get asked all the time why I hate them.
I cannot express just how nervous I feel about everything right now.
We sign for the property tomorrow, usually forms are enough to get me into a panic. I always think something will go wrong.
The trouble is now is doing everything around my work schedule. I’m also going to be doing it alone with mum as my sister cannot get time off short notice, I can only get a select few days off.
My sister has also booked to go to a music festival at the weekend-she’s had it booked for ages so it’s not fair for her not to go.
Mum wants things different colours but I personally don’t see why we have to do everything to her high standards. A standard paint job in a neutral colour should do. I also don’t want to do any colour that requires two coats of paint because I just don’t have time and it would require pushing everything back and loosing more wages. I just don’t want to loose half a days wages for the sake of a colour.
I can get the morning off tomorrow but the next time will be Friday. This Wednesday evening I have to go to an important annual council meeting for work, and we kind of arranged to go for a meal on Thursday at lunch time.
We’re aiming to use the long weekend to actually move, but I just don’t want to add unnecessary doddering to it all.
Decorating the flat is NOT your job!
@bowlingbun I hope these questions not too personal. I feel like I just need some insight.
I just went for a walk to have a think. I feel conflicted.
I just cannot shake off how the council have left things and I cannot for a second believe this was a mistake.
I cannot fathom why so many people were at that house viewing. If councils are so short staffed why was there so many people there. Why were two people in a room whispering things. How much did it cost?
There was also a moment where pretty much everyone left and came back again after 10 minutes. Only me, mum, the OT and another woman who looked as baffled as anything were in that flat.
It’s hard because I feel alone, I feel stupid and I feel scared. It’s the feeling of been conspired against. I’m scared of what happens next.
What has been said about me?
I shouldn’t have to say it but I’m not a bad person. I hate conflict. I’ve never ever been in trouble with the police. In reality I’m just a massive nerd who would rather be at home reading books and playing video games. And yet I feel torn apart.
Like my late dad, I see value in using my skills and hobbies to do good things for people. Whether it’s making my coworkers laugh my making lots of crochet pineapples just to place on my coworkers desk. (There’s a story behind this, they do it back me to me with hedgehogs.) Or just been kind. I have a real need to be overly polite to people who look like they are having a hard time. My love language is giving people things.
Right now it’s like my self worth has been ripped apart, and I realise I am not okay right now. I’m bitter.
Above all I just feel like I’m letting myself down, I’m letting my family down, plus im letting everything and everyone else down.
I don’t wish to compare myself to them, but it’s the only way I can describe it right now. It’s like them cases where you hear about women who have been abused feeling so scared to speak out, or they want to, but they know they face a loosing battle because the people who hurt them have so much power. You feel weak, you feel wrong, and above all, you just think what is the point of being a good person.
That’s what it feels like right now. It’s like there is a file on a computer somewhere which says ‘R is a bad person, avoid at all costs.’
As one of mums friends said to me the other day (me and mum were in the city centre) that the trouble is it takes one person to write false or inaccurate information, and suddenly everyone has to believe it. Things get twisted and before long you are the worst person imaginable. You you go from being a good kind person to been a mix between Donald trump, putin and anyone else on that list.
I know I’m 90 percent sure mum has a place now, but there is so much more to this. Maybe mums needs have changed, then again I know they haven’t. Mum just lost alot of weight as per doctors orders, it hasn’t cured anything. She just has slightly better mobility.
Once again no one took account for her educational needs.
I know all this sounds really silly.
You mentioned about having trouble with councils before and authorities and their role in mistreating you and your circumstances. How do you deal with this?
I have had some truly awful times. All four parents nearing the end of their lives, plus son with LD and a business and national club to run. Sometimes I really don’t know how I survived, but I did.
The only way to deal with a whole heap of things going on is to be really organised. Decide what MUST be done, on a day by day basis. As I’m 70+ now I do things the old fashioned way. Lever arch files, Mylar dividers etc but just as good on a computer. Your biggest problem is obviously mum, she won’t leave you alone, won’t let you finish anything before changing her mind or giving you another job. Mine was similar in many ways! By the end of next weekend mum has to be in her new place. Work out on a day by day basis what you have to do. Personally, I’d say forget the painting. As soon as possible, I’d put some tea making stuff there, and some survival food. Biscuits, cake, etc. When are you going to move the bed? By then you will need to take bed linen, loo rolls etc. and hang the curtains. When do you have to be entirely out of the old place? The very last day it will need a final clean/tidy check. Write down all the jobs as they occur to you. We bought a cottage unfit for habitation when I was pregnant. We moved in with a 6 week old baby, a flush toilet and only an open fire for heating. It was made water tight less than a week before! DO NOT LET MUM NAG you next week. Turn off your phone at work. Only the bedroom and kitchen matter to start with. Do not let her make you do more. If she starts saying “I want…”. tell her to back off as you have given up your entire life recently and you too are exhausted, physically and mentally. We didn’t have a kitchen ceiling for a year. One Christmas the decorations were pinned onto the joists. It really doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect to start with. Who did what where and when is not important next week. That can wait.
Thanks.
The property does need painting but it’s small so a morning job. I have a plan, I’m going to take Friday off work. (I haven’t asked yet, but they always say yeah.) it’s a less important day, one I can easily catch up on. We can also utilise the Monday bank holiday.
The plan is to paint it Friday and get final bits at mums old house prepared. The bed will be moved on Saturday, hopefully morning. This will be along with the tv, tv stand, sofa, computer desk and a wall unit (dad’s prized possession), a book case. We will probably get them to take a few of the suitcase’s, if it’s an extra £30-£40 it’ll have to be done, but I will be taking the bags of clothes and boxes.
All remaining furniture will be either stripped, or just passed on cheaply. I’d rather it go cheap to someone who will actually just take it rather then mess about with online buyers. If we gain some money back great, I’d rather just see it go.
One of mums neighbours keeps asking if we’re getting rid of anymore furniture, so we can just put it in the garden and see if anyone takes it.
Im hoping all goes well in the next few days. One mum has downsized everything else should be a doddle for the future.
Also hoping for it to all go smoothly. Get the support funds to help move and then just sod the council off including their pathetic carers ( not all carers just the ones they got for mum). Probs not quite so harshly, I mean just be honest say thanks careful not to burn bridges. But above all that take what we can get and run.
We have our plan for the future now.
Coolcar, your Mum will still need the paid carers though surely or you will end up doing even more caring again?
I’m thinking so pragmatically but that’s me in a nutshell.
I am upset and yet I just haven’t processed it all. It’s finally the end of the chapter for that house.
I spent the best part of my living memory there. We moved in when I was 12, 15 years ago. I morealess grew up there.
I remember the day we moved in, I was so scared. Around the corner there was an old disused greyhound racing stadium. It used to be a rugby ground as so I was told which is where the street name came from. When I was 11, me and two friends trespassed in and we were chased out. I remember feeling so wrong, nothing ever happened, but I was convinced I was going to prison. After we left I went home annoyed with my friends for making me do that. I never did it again, ever. When we moved down the next street, I was convinced they would find me. I vowed never to do anything like it again. I never did.
Not long after a big high school was built there.
Dad loved doing that house up. I still remember when dad left the house on that Sunday night in January 2021, never to return. That was the final time I saw dad alive, and not just on a hospital bed with tubes everywhere.
It all feels so wrong, I knew that house had to go eventually. But the whole ordeal was so wrong. What did we do to deserve it all? The tears are really rolling today, I normally keep it together so well.
If dad was still alive it would have still been our home.
We’ve been wanting to cancel them for about a month now. The ones she has are useless and just sit on their phones all day.
Now the place is smaller and with more people around mum should be able to manage a lot better.
We can see how she goes for a short while without if needs be we can set them up again.
Use those carers to the full next week to do fetching and carrying!
I read somewhere “If you don’t let go of the pat it will destroy the future”. I fell in love at 16, married at 19, happily married until he died suddenly at 58. I could be bitter forever about this, but I had to let it go. I have loads of happy memories. Of course you are sad leaving your childhood home, but every time you are getting distracted, pull yourself back to the job in hand next week. I didn’t say the flat didn’t need painting, but that can wait. Moving everything is more important.
The tenancy agreement was officially signed yesterday, mum has the keys.
I had to lend my mum £350 to pay for the first two weeks rent. I was led to believe I would get this back so I’m not sure now.
Once again it’s left in my hands and I have no money for the rest of the month now.
We have told the housing people and they said to contact the assistance people at the council. I’ve been on the phone one hour and 40 minutes, no response.
Part of me thinks it’s done on purpose.
I don’t want to come across all whiney. Earlier today I received a scheduled call from the carers support service.
What a load of rubbish! They just seemed more in a rush to say everything is okay and end the conversation even though They called me.
Don’t get me wrong they were nice, but I feel like I had a script quoted at me. They were acting very neutral in their words, believe me I get it. However it just came across abit patronising.
I explained that mum had in fact got a place now.
I also explained what happened with the council. Yeah it’s all technically over now and things have improved. I’m trying to move past it. I’ve made my mind up that the whole council housing system is just a wind-up and have decided never to ask for help again. This is not the first time they have been more of a hindrance.
They first did it back in 2009, part of our private house home randomly collapsedr one night (seconds from hitting me). We were made homeless because of it. The council said they didn’t want to prioritise us because my dad worked for the council. We were forced into hostels until we got a house. The hostels were no place for us. My youngest sibling was only 7 years old at the time. I was 12. We eventually got another private home which is the one mum just received a section 21 on.
Anyway, Whilst I am moving on, I explained what happens hoping to get some sort of understanding maybe some support about the emotional impact of it all. Howver, I wasn’t keen on the fact they reiterated to me about how bad the whole housing system is right now. Look I get it, I do, but as I have explained she was at the top of the list. It’s not like we’re fighting from the bottom.
I totally understand the housing situation right now is dire. I know it’s hard, but personally I feel like we have been hurt by them and have been messed about. We weren’t panicking at the back of a queue, we were top 3 in many cases.
I don’t need to go through it all again, but I’ve mentioned that mum was invited for a viewing having passed checks only to be told that she was too vulnerable for it. If they had told us before hand I’d have got it, but they misinformed us and let us believe otherwise. To a family so desperate it’s vile.
Second they said only three people were going when there wasn’t, no communication, nothing. Any wonder why we were scared. But as I have said before if teams are so pressured why did so many people attend that viewing if there was no intention of allocating it.
Then they told us they would help us. However in their next move removed all banding sending mum spiralling down the list on the last day of the section 21.
Their reasoning she’s not as disabled as they thought. We have letters now to say it’s because she didn’t take her mobility scooter with her. SHE WAS IN MY DAMN CAR. As I said what do they expect to trail her around on the back of my little picanto like it’s a flipping jet ski. I drove her because I had to go to work afterwards. I don’t get why that is so hard to understand.
But then they also failed to understand mums mobility varies. She has osteoarthritis, and has injections every three months. The first few weeks after the injections she’s a spring chicken, the latter few weeks she’s creaking like a rusty gate. She was in a good phase.
Everyone is acting like I am peed off about mum not being allocated the property, however it is not the case. As a place it would have been perfect, however I wouldn’t want mum to be vulnerable. I am more angry about the methods used and the lack of clarity.
After the viewing, we were ready to go back into the system but it all fell apart.
So I’ve been left pretty bereft at the total lack of understanding, and lack of someone who is just willing to listen.
It’s been process after process and I don’t care if it’s policy. It’s stupid and it’s cruel, and it was really getting to me. It was not the lack of houses it was the people allocating those houses who are incompetent.
I don’t care how dire the situation is, I’m entitled to feel hurt by it.
Ironically they said at the end of the call, that mum is lucky to have me since I have really fought for her. It dawned on me that I’ve seen the whole process through, nothing the council has done has made any difference.
Mum has the keys for her new place now, we’re slowly moving bits after work. The bulk of it is booked for Saturday.
Funny how the systems have been so much better for this places. Sign up, view it, complete paperwork, move in. Exactly how it should be.
We were moving stuff there last night. Mum has already made friends there even though she’s not moved in. Everyone was talking to us, and telling us how nice it is. Sounds like mum is the talk of the building. I joked to mum that “they must have been paid to tell us how nice it is.” Because everyone was doing it.
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You sound like a different person tonight, I’m so pleased for both of you. Sad too for all the upset which could all have been avoided if only they’d been more efficient.
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The move is going okay despite my mum being annoying in places and a paint disaster.
The big removals was the easiest of the lot. I pulled out everything which we were taking and the removals men came (2 and a half hours late), and it was taken to the new place. To be fair to them it was management which gave them not enough time to do their previous job. They were very efficient and it was done quite quickly.
Mum is now living in the new place.
We’re about 90 percent done with all the boxes now. We’re hoping to be done by the end of today.
Tomorrow and Wednesday will be a case of tidying the house, doing some recycling centre runs and just doing a couple of minor things such as plugging holes a wall. And organising a refuse collection for the old bed, and two mattresses.
If any moving items remain it’s no big deal as they can be taken at the end of the day.
I’m hoping we get the deposit back. Some of the carpets are damaged, but none of them were replaced all the time we were there. That’s 15 years.
Only one carpet was replaced in this time. I remember it getting replaced after there was a major crime down the street and the men were asking us about it. Google tells me that incident happened in 2015. So 9 years old.
The trouble is we can’t prove this.
Anyway, mum really likes the new place. She’s made friends with a lot of neighbours already. Everyone seems to help each other out.
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@Coolcar98…I’m so pleased your mum likes the new place and things seem to be getting more settled for you now.
That sounds really positive @Coolcar98 I’m glad your Mum is finally settled in the new place after all the ups and downs you went through.
If the carpets hadn’t been replaced in 15 years, I would think any so-called damage would be put down to wear and tear and you should get your deposit back.
Make sure mum pays you back before she squanders the deposit on more cr*p!
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Yeah defo. We have put in for a few grants, so we will have to see what we get back. Hopefully we get something.
I hate to toot my own horn but the move has been so efficient, it’s been tiring, but my god have we worked hard. Although I have now had enough, it’s consumed my life for the past week. I’ve been living off takeaway food and sandwiches, and I just want a proper meal down me. I just want to wake up and not have to think about plans for the day.
I don’t think it’s about being impatient, I just think if something needs to be done, just do it.
We are abit behind because i miscalculated how many trips we could do. We’re looking at another four. Even the people at the place keep joking “have you not finished yet” mum is just taking it in her stride, she’s just not getting it. I counted today she has 25 suitcases of various sizes in her flat full of clothes, this is not including the bags of clothes which are her everyday clothes.
I asked mum for some keys for the old property earlier. She asked me to go in the morning and get some items to take to her, we have a little bit left such as two small drawer things. I will gather them, however I also intend to take some items to the donations centre without her knowledge.
She keeps saying the landlord has not given her enough time to sort through things, however it’s because I know she doesn’t want to do it, and wants to keep them. She’s had two months now. She said she will sort them in the flat, but I know she won’t. Tomorrow half of it will go to the recycling centre because she won’t miss it. I’m just really exhausted now, and want to go back to normal life. Some of the bags keep splitting and bags of shoes with heels are just the worst. A bag full of them, and you have no chance.
A big problem we have discovered tonight is that we intend to give the keys back at the weekend to avoid paying more rent which we don’t have, and yet we have to get rid of some stuff to the recycling centre.
We put in for a bulk item collection however the closest day they have available is the 5th June. Then it jumps to the 12th.
Technically the rent we have paid lasts until the 5th. Well it says this on the tenancy agreement. however we were hoping that by giving up the keys at the weekend, we could easily get £50-£70 back which will pay for the shortfall after buying mum a new fridge and freezer. However we’re not so sure now- so once again thanks again council.
I intend to tell the letting agents that it is their problem now as we have booked it, they are coming on the 5th whether we are there or not. They won’t collect it if it’s wet though and the good old British weather will probably impact this. The landlord wants the garden clear to get our deposit back.
I don’t know if we have secured our part of the deal and can prove that the booking was made if it was ever disputed.
We had to sell mums old fridge/freezer because it’s too big and we’re selling the washing machine as there are already facilities. We’ve had interest already on both. This should help us get another £100.
However, we might have to pay to have the items removed now so that will be about £100.
So far, the only help we have had so far is a measley 350 from universal credit to cover some costs. £260 went on the furniture move, and the remaining £90 went on getting mum a fridge and freezer from the charity shop. This cost £160 delivery included and it was on the cheapest end in the charity shop.
Everyone says help is out there, but it doesn’t really exist. We were told the housing association have a referral scheme for help, but then directed us to the council which we applied for. Another organisation could save us money on bills and help with white goods but the appointment is weeks away. I’ve kept the receipts for the fridge and freezer hopefully we can get something back.
Even the councils crisis support payment takes a while to go through the application.
Welcome to the U.K. where immediate crisis help means it will be weeks. Bring on election day!
25 suitcases of clothes!