Mum’s housing situation continued

All about caring Young adult carers
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Hi all.

So right now I’m stuck in another predicament. Let’s just say the place is not all glitter and gold.

Mum is having massive issues with the new flat, and has become a victim of extreme bullying. She’s had threats that someone is going to kill her cat. They are accusing her of all sorts and are questioning her every-time she goes out even if it’s to the shops. They are checking her shopping bags and everything. Mum is getting more and more recluse. What I did know I told mum just to ignore them, but it’s getting worse and worse day by day.

We’ve been told that the people in the place have done this to numerous residents which have in turn left the property. The neighbour across the hallway is constantly telling mum that someone died in her property and it’s haunted so she should leave.

No one knows what has happened. One person took a disliking to mum because she was using the washing machine at mums allocated time which was agreed with the lettings manager. The woman told mum she shouldn’t be washing so much and that she has control because she has been there the longest and pays the most rent. Therefore she can’t use it unless she says. She only gets to use it once a week.

Its escalated out of control. Mum is being accused of thefts, she’s had people shouting in her face, like I say threats to harm her cat. It’s all just strange.

Personally I’m starting to see sheltered accommodation seems to be a problem where we are in Hull, it doesn’t seem to be for vulnerable people as they say. It’s full of horrible nasty people.

I’ve sent a message to the lettings manager. Hopefully she will call me back tomorrow.

Even if mum has made a mistake, I can sure as hell say that mum hasn’t done anything that bad. She’s annoying, but she’s not a criminal. Mum wouldn’t steal anything, she’s literally given people in the place things. Yet they’ve turned, but then again I speak from experience there are two types of people in Hull nice people and scroates.

People are planning stuff without her and then shouting in her face “YOURE NOT INVITED.” It’s not nice.

Our only option now is to go for plan B. The idea was to get her out of the old place and into somewhere more secure. We would look for somewhere better. At first she loved the place and made friends easily, but they do not seem like good people now.

We will go back to another housing charity a much better one. We put it on hold. Maybe the best thing mum needs is a flat on her own. Putting her with other people is not a good idea.

Honestly I hate people.

We know she’s secure in this place, all we can do is apply to this place. We know that they have much shorter (non existent) wauting lists for some of their lesser demand properties so just have to go for them.

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Hey @Coolcar98, you have done the right thing in speaking to the letting manager, see what response you get. If nothing is done or it gets to far out of hand, have the police to go around and see what they can do if anything.

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Yeah, mum hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I can tell.

There is a rule which states that if the washing machine is free as in no one is allocated then anyone can use it.

Mum did one additional wash to freshen up all the towels, bed sheets and cushion covers from the old place as they were packed away for so long. There is no harm in this.

I’m currently doing a new application for the other place. I think it’s best if she goes back to being independent.

People are absolutely horrible to the most able bodied of people. What mum is facing is not nice.

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So mum has completely lied to me. I called the letting agent earlier to discuss the situation and she said she would investigate.

Not long after I got one phone call and another after with people complaining about the behaviour of mums friend. Apparently a resident recognised the friend as someone who has a history of serious crime including knife crime and extremely serious assault. She has done prison time.

She borrowed some money off a resident and then got very abusive towards them. Apparently a lot of the residents in the place are scared. This friend was also smoking weed and drinking heavily.

Apparently mum invited someone from a dating app and other residents are scared again. Mum told me that they were stopping her from having friends.

I tried to help mum but this is why I take a step back because she wants people to take sides without the full picture. She’s telling people she wants to kill herself because she’s been bullied, but frankly I think these people are very scared.

The lettings manager is getting a ban order on this woman but nothing will happen to mum at this stage.

I can’t do this anymore. She plays the victim and she’s acting like no one likes her, but people have a right to be scared.

I did know something was wrong about this friend. I was trying to be calm with mum and establish the facts whereas she was just saying stuff like “hit them.” Then they use the excuse of mental illness. I’m sorry I have OCD and anxiety as do many people. I wouldn’t dream of hurting someone.

It’s not the first time mum has done this. Is she going to be black listed by every housing charity in Hull, this is number 3 now. It’s getting serious but still acts like the victim.

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Hey @Coolcar98, at least you got some sort of answer. I think that someone should have a word with your mum about her behaviour and what trouble she is causing and if she doesn’t change then whoever looks after her care apart from you will have to have a serious rethink about what they do for her and where she can stay.
Take care

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Sadly, mum may just not have the ability to change her behaviour.

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Is there anyway I can write to the GP about this behaviour?

I don’t get why it’s not going in mums head that people are dangerous. It’s like she just doesn’t understand. This is the fourth time now first violence then drugs, then prostitution now someone involved in knife crime. I genuinely believe she doesn’t know how serious it is ever.

She’s using dating apps and leading men on, men are coming to each property looking for her, then she’s hiding because she doesn’t know how to tell them to go away. She says she doesn’t want them, but I’ve seen where messages to them.

I’ve said a million times it’s like she has a learning difficulty. She doesn’t understand danger. There is no common sense in her head .

Even now mum doesn’t seem to understand why what has happened is so serious.

I’ve tried time and time again with social services and they don’t care. They just use it against her. They don’t believe she is physical disabilities despite proof. Fighting social services is a loosing battle.

Now I know the full facts I feel completely lied to. It’s all escalated out of nowhere. I feel like mum either wanted to be a victim, or saw herself as the victim and went too far.

This criminal obviously saw a place to have a good scrap and it’s escalated so badly. What was a petty squabble which would have been dealt with appropriately has become a crime.

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I feel awful.

I’m sick of it. What’s the point of going through therapy when she does this to me.

What’s the actual point of trying. She makes me feel really awful, and I feel alone. I feel like no one understands at all. I tried to speak to a doctor and all they could do was put me on a higher dose of medication. The trouble is you can only stop the pain so much. Meds don’t work.

I’m always having to keep up the idea that everything is okay, when I just want to break down. I just want to not exist anymore. I want it to stop.

It’s like trying to keep a rabbid dog. It’s still going crazy when it’s on a leash, but eventually that leash will snap and then the dog will go mental. Well I’m that leash. People tell me to step away, but then I will be the reason why so many people get hurt. I will be a murderer.

I just messaged mum and she turned her phone off. She does this to me a lot lately. It’s like she doesn’t want me to know something.
It’s because she’s hanging around with absolute criminals. Sane people don’t knife people, I keep telling her that. But she always seems to think it’s justified saying “oh they had a bad life.” My dad died and left me to deal with you, I’ve never ever wanted to hurt someone. It’s just messed up. Doing that to someone is just wrong.

They say that sort of crime is similar to what America faces, it’s not; it’s far worse. In america people hide behind the law. It’s straight up illegal in the U.K.

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Cool car, you really need counselling! You cannot ever sort mum out to be normal. You must put yourself first now.

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I’m going through OCD therapy, but in some ways it’s counter productive. It helps with some things.

But others. I worry because I’m forced to. I worry because I have to and I have reason to. I don’t know what’s next.

Like I say I spoke to a doctor earlier in the week, there only response was to put my medication on a higher dose.

Can’t help but think mum is being silly now. But this is what she is like she holds grudges against people.

Do I believe what the other woman has done is right? No of course not.

However I have spoken to the lettings manager.

I said mum is neurodivergent, and the woman in question seems to appear neurotypical. The woman is clearly abit of a busy body whether anyone likes to admit it or not.

I understand why she’s done what she did, however it is mum we are dealing with. Frankly gossiping is not nice and particularly not nice for someone like mum.

(I know what it’s like, my ex’s mum did it to me. If something wasn’t done to her standards she would tell everyone but me). It felt like the whole world was against me and I was permently in stocks with rotten fruit thrown at me. Its probably one of the things that kickstarted OCD. So I know how mum would feel.

The Lettings manager did say that there were a lot of vulnerable people in the scheme, so I said good, you can understand someone having different needs then and the fact that this woman clearly needs more awareness of different people.

The lettings manager accepted the reasons for mum using the washing machine a couple of extra times even tho it is permitted.

It’s the gossiping that’s caused the issues. I know as far as mum was aware she was well within her rights, but this woman kept snapping at her.

However mum is not helping herself. It hasn’t stopped but it’s resolved now but still mum wants to hold a grudge.

said if there were any issues that she

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[my emboldening] Yes, Coolcar, gossip is an evil thing and causes so much damage, yet it is unfortunately very common, especially in close communities.

There is probably an element of truth in many of the things Mum complains about. Unfortunately your dear Mum, because of her condition, exaggerates things out of proportion - things that are probably already exaggerated through gossip.

It is good that you have spoken to the letting manager, who can probably take action if there has been a genuine wrongoing anywhere. But don’t expect the manager to wave a magic wand. It is a tricky situation. Unfortunately, not all other residents will be of sound mind.

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Do these women have to meet? Communal washing machines sounds odd, is there nowhere in mum’s flat for her to have her own? My son has one in his upstairs bathroom, and I have one in my little en-suite downstairs. As long as they are wired in correctly, this complies with all the regulations.

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Unfortunately communal washing machines are a thing. There is only two of them and all 36 residents have to use them only between the hours of 8 to 6pm (7pm for drying). Some flats have their own facilities, but mum is on the second floor. There is also no space even for a small one.

2 washing machines between this many people is shocking.

Mum said that an elderly woman must not have realised that mum had moved in, and took her spot even though it’s written down. So mum started an hour later. It was then that the other woman had ago at her for not sticking to times.

The woman seems to quick to shout about people following the rules. But then as the LM said there are a lot of vulnerable people there so this woman obviously thinks she can lord it over everyone.

The LM said it’s mixed personalities. No gossiping is bullying.

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Sheltered accommodation normally has a warden on site so I don’t quite get why the other residents are not going to them.

From what you have said, your Mum is not general needs housing. She should not be in sheltered accommodation. She should be in specialist housing for people with specialised needs.

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