@bowlingbun Yeah, it’s so hard. I hold alot of resentment towards people after my dad died. Dad was one of the purest humans I will ever meet and probably ever meet. I’m not saying it because he’s gone. Despite being a somewhat timid man to the observer, he was strong when it came to the family.
He should not have died, he only died because of a series of complications which weren’t carried out. Had he got a nebuliser, he might have been okay.
Had the nurses realised that dad had a heart attack faster, he may have been okay. It took nurses 7 minutes to get to him in a hospital.
I don’t think any therapy will ever get me out of that resentment. It’s not like I’m angry all day every day. But because of all that, all I can see is failures in the system everywhere. I feel the need to put pressure on people who take their time. To me failure to carry out things just puts people in worse situations. Being slow hurts and kills people.
The question should never be “why am I so angry that the hospital took 7 mins to get to dad.” As it so often is, like it’s my fault for not being allowed to be concerned. Why is no one asking why it took that long?
If I remember correctly, I remember my mum saying that that night there were a lot of drunks in who were screaming down halls and everything. I know it’s hospital policy to treat them first. Was someone wrestling with an alcy whilst dad has a heart attack?
Years later it still weighs on me. I was robbed of my dad. I will never see him again, and that hurts. I stepped foot off train the other day onto the platform, and I just mouthed “I’m here dad!” I know he’s not around, dad was into paranormal stuff, so he would have wanted to prove it’s real. I’ve had nothing in three and a half years. Yet still I said it. I say to mum he’s around because she believes it, but I do it to keep her happy.
Considering everything which has happened, more so the past couple of months everyone has just had enough. I’m burning out massively, yet there is no support for this. Support services do not want to know.
I’ve tried the carers people but they aren’t very good. Their advice is always targeted towards an older carer looking after their wife or husband. Nothing for a 27 year old nerd.
I feel so hurt because the past couple of months, I’ve been ripped in two. Trying to live a normal life whilst everything is happening is extremely hard. I’ve found myself questioning more than once if there is any good left in the world, and why I should bother trying to find it.
I’m not a bad person, but lately I’ve felt like all the good in me has gone. But at the same time I knew it wasn’t me, my trust in everything has gone. I always want to do the right thing. I like helping people. However seeing people like my mums mates exploit food banks so they have more money for alcohol just made me want to stop helping food banks out, because I thought what’s the point ‘this stuff is not going to someone who needs it.’ Why should I work hard to pay for this stuff when it’s not doing much.
I often get invited to events where I see schools and young children donate to food banks, before I was always happy they were doing this to help. Now I just think it’ll all get wasted anyway. Children have worked hard to all that and it gets exploited.
I didn’t mention it before, but there was a moment on the train coming home which made me think a little differently for a brief period. It was one of those moments I’ve thought a lot about since.
I was heading home on the Liverpool to Leeds train, it cut through Manchester. A guy about my age got on. A couple of mins into the journey and came and sat next to me, he said he was worried and asked if my seat had a charger socket as he needed to charge his phone for his tickets and to get home from the station. We couldn’t find one. But I had my portable charger with me, and I said he could plug his phone in. He sat with me and we chatted for a good hour.
He was quite cute, but he said he was in a relationship with a man and was due to get married. Oh well. I didn’t ask, he just mentioned this. Haha. He was so thankful for me helping him. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I would be panicked too if I was in the same situation.
As we were approaching Manchester, he said about how nice it was just to have that moment with a total stranger and how he’s not had that sort of interaction with someone in a very long time even his friends.
It wasn’t an ego thing. If just felt like a light at the end of the tunnel, I helped someone even though it was small, and they appreciated it. It probably helped that he was cute too. Again this is odd because I haven’t really been bothered about any of that other stuff for a while.
On the Leeds to my home town train, I was deliberately pushed into a crowd by a drunk person even though I asked her to stop trying as the train was packed. So that was the badness in the world showing its colours.
And everyone wonders why I hate alcohol so much.
