Hello, I am new to this forum after a google search today.
I am struggling to get a healthy balance in my life after caring for my dad for about 18 months.
My mum died last year, unexpectedly and fairly sudden. She got ill, was in hospital three months,
We were getting ready for her to come home and then she was gone.
My dad has become increasingly disabled over the last couple of years. I guess we didn’t realise how much my mum was doing for him until she wasnt there to do it anymore.
My brother has a family, I do not, so have ended up with the lion’s share of the caring duties. Although I suspect it would be the same even if I did have a family of my own.
Sometimes I get on with it quite well. But other times I struggle to feel seen and valued, and then I get low and irritable.
Initially, I was doing everything but after a couple of months I had to ask my brother for help. He was quite nasty about it. I think it’s his way of showing his struggles too although that doesn’t help at the time.
I now cook and look after dad six days a week. My brother pops in for 30 to 60 minutes maybe three to four times a week - mainly just to check dad is ok and make him a cuppa in the evening around 8/9pm. He has him for tea once a week.
I work full time and the one day a week I have ‘off’ I have to travel to another town to work in the office - which is around 45 mins away. So it doesn’t really feel like a day off.
The last six months I have been dating someone and it has been going well. Which is lovely. The challenge I have is the longer I am going out with this chap, who I hope is a long term love, the more time he wants to spend with me. And the more time i want to spend with him.
When I was seeing him once a week it was easy to juggle with my dad’s needs, but now I am seeing him two to three times a week it is harder. I feel pressurised to please both him and my dad so end up rushing around and burning myself out.
My boyfriend has children he sees at the weekends so we tend to see each other during the week. It means I can spend time with dad at weekends but dad also needs support during the week.
Any time I mention needing a break or struggling, my brother says he does too. He has even said he’s worried about having a heart attack - at a time I was experiencing palpitations and chest pain. Or him and his wife list things they’ve done. Like it’s a competition. Every bank holiday, weekend or Easter or Christmas time my brother is very busy with his family so will see dad once. The rest of the time i have to entertain him and keep him busy.
I felt like I was doing a good job. When my mum first died I took some time off work to settle dad (and try and grieve myself). I went to coffee mornings with him two or three times to help him make friends. I found him an exercise class to go to. I take him to see old neighbours and family members. I take him out for meals and days out. One weekend away last year and another booked this year.
But then i heard dad telling someone I took him to things once and then left him to it. To make his own way even though he was still grieving. This upset me. The next week I heard him saying I don’t take him out for meals much (i go out for a meal with him once a week most weeks). So this upset me too. I did mention this to him and he said he’d like to go out more but now I have a boyfriend I don’t have time. I did say he could ask his friends or my brother. He said it’s not the same. He sometimes books evenings out without checking with me as he knows I’ll have to go then but it end up making me feel anxious and miserable.
The year anniversary of mum’s death is coming up. My brother has plans with his family. So I am left keeping dad company. Dad’s emotions have been overwhelming since mum died and it’s a lot on my shoulders.
I feel a bit trapped. We do have a carer going in the morning to get dad breakfast and do a few jobs which has been a great help. I have said to dad maybe she needs to help out one evening a week or so, so I can have a rest. And hope then I will feel less angry with the world then.
I just wondered how other people juggle caring and trying to maintain a life of their own too? I don’t know what we’ll do if dad loses his mobility entirely.
After that, I’ve to help mum get ready for bed. This includes personal care (pads) and can take quite a long time. And she gets cross with me every night when Im trying to help.