Hi Selinakylie,
Thank you, again 
Now waiting to hear back from our local counselling service. I definitely need help with my anger, sooner rather than later!!
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When I started counselling I too was full of anger and resentment, newly widowed, newly disabled and problems coming at me from all directions. Counselling reminded me that I had every right to be me, a person in my own right, entitled to do my own thing whenever I wanted, not just mum to a brain damaged son or daughter to someone seriously disabled.
I couldn’t change mum or son, but I started to see myself differently. I should be proud of the things I did, not continually guilty about what I didn’t.
This was a real turning point, I just wish someone had said it to me earlier. All my life I’d been busy doing things that others wanted me to do for them.
I told my counsellor that I was useless at art, and was truly astonished when he said I was the most artistic person he knew! Whilst I couldn’t draw anything freehand I had a great eye for colour, loved sewing, decorating etc, gardening etc.
The inner anger now only exists towards Social Services for their gross incompetence.
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@Kazzac…that’s good that you’re spending time in your bolthole and have contacted a counselling service, it’s so important to look after yourself.
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@Kazzac just a thought. Could you stay in your own home and get him to move to the Winter let? Or is that over complicating things? Just shooting from the hip here and may not be feasible……
When my first marriage broke down in the early 2000s, I moved out and left him in the marital home (with our children). He carried on in the lap of luxury (and moved his girlfriend in!) while I survived in a one bedroom flat until I could get him to agree to sell. The breakup was all down to him, etc etc. Makes me angrier now than it did then that I let him stay while I moved out. Sending strength 
Thanks JayneyT…My preferred option would be for him to move out into the Winter let and I have broached the subject with him. But he’s still claiming he can’t even walk so unless I manage to toughen up considerably I can’t see it happening. I’ve been out all day which has been lovely, I even started feeling some compassion towards him…that was until I got back home and he’s just the same and the anger just rises up again. However, he is now admitting his mental health is bad again, having previously blamed his latest predicament on a physical injury. Having pointed out that this is the normal course of events, that is, blaming a physical illness for his decline as he descends into a mental health crisis he has admitted it. It doesn’t help the anger I feel though…
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Well, to cut a pretty ghastly story short he has been admitted to hospital. He’s gone voluntarily, not sectioned. I’ve moved back home and my biggest fear now is that he will be discharged and come home. I’ve said to a couple of staff that I couldn’t begin to cope if he comes home too soon. To be perfectly honest I don’t want him to return home at all. I now need to find out where I stand, morally and legally. I suppose I should tell him how I feel, that I don’t want the madness back but I fear the reaction will make him discharge himself! Well at least I have some respite from it all, back home with all things familiar…
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@Kazzac…sending lots of hugs your way. That’s good that you’re back home. Totally understand how you feel, my husband went into a care home voluntarily back in May due to severe mobility issues and I had to take the decision that I couldn’t care for him at home. He’s still in the home and is very resentful to me but despite this I’m so relieved that he’s not home. There comes a time where you have to put yourself first for your own mental well-being. Stick to what is right for you, you can refuse to be a carer.
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Hi Sue24
I will totally refuse to be his carer but my fear is that he will be deemed ‘well’ and not in need of care, so fit to return home. Unfortunately he has been ‘well’ on several occasions, only to crash in a relatively short time. I have a feeling it will come down to being a ‘marital dispute’ out of their hands. I will try and persuade him not to return home if that is the case but feel I will have a real battle on my hands. I just know that if he does return the pattern will continue. It has done for well over 20 years and each crash is worse than the previous!
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@Kazzac….I hope things work out for you as you want them too though I do hear what you say re him being deemed “well”.
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@Kazzac Can only echo Sue. Maybe take legal advice? You have probably already done this. They are very quick to discharge someone from hospital if they have someone at home. But surely you have the right to refuse to care? I know from Sue’s experience that it is not an easy for even pleasant road but YOU have the right to a life too. The constant ‘walking on eggshells’ is exhausting. It may be worth phoning your local ‘Support for Carers’ and talking through options? Do not be bullied into entering the ‘merrygoround’ again.
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A quick update…husband’s diagnosis has been revised as too has his medication. He’s now thought to be bi-polar (Bi-polar 2) and his medication has been changed accordingly. He’s up and down, well all over the place at the moment which I suppose is to be expected after the introduction of new medication. He came home for an overnight stay as a precursor to final discharge at the end of the week! It did not go particularly well. I’m expected to attend a meeting on Wednesday to discuss his discharge. I want to be brave and ask would they be discharging him if he was living alone. If they say yes then I’m obviously not expected to ‘care’ for him. If on the other hand they say no, well I then need to be brave enough to say well I can’t be his carer…watch this space. I am not optimistic about my bravery 
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@Kazzac it sounds like it would be helpful for you to take an advocate to the meeting to represent your point of view.
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Have they talked to you about this?
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@Melly1 @bowlingbun
If you mean has husband’s medical team talked to me then no, not since last meeting in mid November when I was advised of new diagnosis and that they would not be discharging him until December…
I would like to take someone as an advocate but need to ask if allowed. Also I’m a bit concerned of it antagonising husband
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@Kazzac You sound scared of your husband? If the overnight stay did not go particularly well do you REALLY want to sleep walk into Caring? If he is ‘up and down’ is he likely to stabalize? Will he need 24/7 monitoring until this happens? I frankly would say that you will NOT take responsibility for him or be his Carer as to me this sounds potentially a Dangerous Discharge? Please look into the Advocate situation and see if you can take someone with you.
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@selinakylie Yes, from time to time I am scared of him, he is so unpredictable, caring one minute, confrontative and verbally aggressive the next… I will most definitely say that I will not take responsibility for him or be his carer. I can definitely do that. Having had overnight to consider everything I know I can say that and more importantly actually mean it… Thank you so much for caring xx
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@Kazzac….I just wanted to say good luck with the meeting tomorrow. Stay strong and do what’s right for you. My husbands Heath rapidly deteriorated I the last couple of years to the point where I couldn’t cope. He’s now in a care home at the age of 59. It’s tough, but hopefully it will get easier for you.
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They should have done a Carers Assessment, not with your husband present, to see if you were willing and able to care.
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@Sue24
Thank you, I do indeed intend to stay strong… Sending you hugs x
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@bowlingbun No carers assessment as far as I was aware. I had a phone call from one of husband’s physiotherapists asking me for background information about my husband. I then spoke to her again over the phone where I said I was not willing to be my husband’s carer, and that I feared for my own mental health. I was asked to sit with that. My conversations with her were transcribed and submitted to husbands Physchiatrist who thanked me for my written report!!! I questioned that and was told that what had been discussed had been transcribed and submitted and it was assumed that I had submitted the written report myself!! I pointed out that I had not
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