Good morning. I’m new here. I’m only just getting to grips with the idea that I might be a carer! My husband suffers from anxiety and depression. He’s been up and down for the whole of our marriage but is currently on a down. In contrast with many here he does have significant good periods and I’m very fortunate that we have some very good times together. However I also suffer from anxiety and am highly attuned to his moods, constantly anticipating a downturn, which can happen very suddenly. I’ve therefore realised that I am his carer both when he’s ill and trying to prevent future dips. Finding a space where I can let off steam is a godsend. Thank you!
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Welcome to the forum.
Many carers don’t recognise they are carers until (queue the music)
‘when the going gets tough‘ (sorry my brain is particularly fried today). Sounds like life is stressful.
What sort of things do you do to boost your own well-being?
Thanks for the reply. I do try and look after myself with exercise and have registered for a self compassion course.
Both of those sound good.
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Hi, I’m new here too. I’ve been lurking around for a few days trying to work out if I “count” as a carer!
My husband has mental health issues too, and the recent rough patch is now 8 months and counting. He was doing so well, had lost weight and stopped drinking but 3 months ago he slipped and had a drink. Then again a month later and again just over a week ago.
He takes care of himself physically and works full time, so I don’t feel like a carer except that every waking moment is spent trying to help him, keep the kids from worrying, trying to prevent triggers and picking up anything I can think of around the place to keep his stress levels down. He doesn’t “need me”’as such I just don’t know what state he’d be in if I wasn’t around. Does that make any sense?
I can’t find anywhere that provides support for the partners of those struggling and I’m kinda hoping this might me a safe place to vent and maybe find people who get it.
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Oh my goodness that sounds exhausting. I can relate to trying to avoid triggers but at least I don’t have kids to look after too, only cats. I’d definitely define you as a carer and it’s great you’ve reached out here
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Hi @Flee
Welcome to the forum.
Caring comes in many forms and it sounds like you are caring as you are supporting your husband’s mental well-being, which can be very draining.
Melly1
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The kids are a great distraction most of the time! The dog comes in handy to as she’s an excuse to get out of the house and walk.
The dodging of triggers is a THING! It’s nice to know it’s not just me that knows how that feels
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@Flee I can relate too with regard to dodging triggers. It is a very hard way to live being constantly ‘on edge’. I can lose myself though in books and caring for my beloved cats plus I have a few good friends who are very supportive.
Please make time for YOU and reach out to us if you need us. No judgement we all understand.
Thanks @selinakylie, it’s good to know you’re all out there!
I try to look after me, but some times it is so bloody hard not to get caught up in his stuff and get lost. Add the kids and their needs and I am definitely bottom of the heap some days.
At the moment we’re switching medication, not only were the last lot doing nothing but when the dose got upped he got serotonin syndrome, which was bloody scary. Needless to say his moods are pinging all over the show! Last night he was almost manic, all excited about his plans for the weekend, then got himself in a loop about how him being “weird” would spoil our night and talked himself into another dip in mood.
This morning I’m exhausted, he’s decided it’s his fault I’m not running around the house singing (I’m not Mary Poppins dude, I have moods too!) when actually I have a frozen shoulder, 3 birthdays to organise, all the washing in the world and a set of school trousers for a 6’ 10” child to fibd. And I’m supposed to be going to the theatre with a friend tonight and I have no idea whether he’ll spin off into the deep end while I’m not in.
Sorry to rant, I’m struggling to keep my head above water this morning, and that’s despite squeezing in 10km on the exercise bike and an actual shower!
@Flee 'cyber hugs as you have a lot on your plate. Please try and go to the theatre if you can as you need to do things YOU enjoy or life just becomes sheer drudgery. I often call myself ‘Little Drudge’.
I guess you are too busy to fit in counselling but it might be an option worth considering? My issue is my husband is medically non compliant and getting him to take his tablets and inhalers is a huge challenge as is getting him to eat. I am afraid for me I care to enable me to keep my home and beloved cats rather than love as after 12 years officially of this - unofficially more, I have just had enough and it takes every ounce of compassion to try and check his pressure sore area and give him his tablets.
That must be so hard! I hope you have people who help you out because that’s an awful lot for one person to take. At least my other half (mostly) does as he’s told. He’s got counselling booked, which I have been bugging him to do for a decade.
I’ve recently finished a stint of counselling, it was amazing and made me realise that i had to stop trying to be superwoman. My house isn’t as clean, but something had to give and it couldn’t be me!
I’m going tonight, I need a break! Cross everything that he keeps it together while I’m out.
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@Flee I do not want Carers in because he wont do things at set times and tbh I do not want to have to pay as he has a private pension. I do not want to use mine as only 62. I would love to get a part time job but would dare not risk leaving him for long periods. TBH lunch on Thursday he went on and on about not being able to swallow the coffee I made him before I left. So I was on ‘high alert’ yet again. When I went out for lunch a few weeks ago he wanted phone number of restaurant so he could phone me as he was sure I would want to know if one of the cats was ill or escaped. I will NEVER be articulate enough to express the sheer fury I feel when he does this. The cats are all indoor and totally my reason for getting up in the morning. I know he needs to eat but I worry dreadfully about leaving the hob on after a very bad incident in Feb when he let the butter he was frying his steak in evaporate and I literally could not stop the fire alarm going off. I am a veggie and we have always eaten seperately. Yes I have tried getting him to eat at ‘set’ times but he wont nor will he go for ready meals.
Yes PLEASE go out as if you give in next time it will be harder to leave. You cannot and must not be emotionally blackmailed as it really does sound as if you are doing everything you can for to help him through. You have every right to some happiness and the right to escape sometimes.
So sorry to read of others’ pressures. Mine dwindle into nothing in comparison! Were you able to get out @Flee? Have you been able to get out @selinakylie?
Cats are indeed a motivator and a release, although can be a trigger when they’re on one and my husband’s feeling fragile! The cats and I have spent the day together in the kitchen before now!
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Don’t think that you are caring less than others. I started about 40 years just doing the odd job for mum, who had arthritis, but as the years went on and she became disabled, I did more and more. The same probably applies to most of us, in fact it can be difficult working out exactly when caring started.
Thanks for your kind words. After a couple of better weeks with only occasional bad days, my husband seems to be on a downward turn again. He’s exhausted and his emotions are all over the place. I’m away for a couple of days and so worried about him as he’s obviously really low - in fact I’d say he’s been depressed for a while but he insists not. I have an irrational fear that he’ll harm himself - I say irrational as he’s never done this before and, to my knowledge, isn’t suicidal (but I’ve never been brave enough to ask) but it still keeps me awake. I feel so helpless!
Sorry for the brain dump. As I’ve posted elsewhere I’m finding self compassion practice very helpful so will try to focus on that today.
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Be kind to yourself. The aircraft emergency procedure stresses the need to sort out your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else, and the same applies to caring. Tiredness is my biggest enemy now, after years of caring and some major operations. I turn a blind eye to some jobs until the next morning, when I can work faster.
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Hi all, I just rejoined this group after many years away as desperately needed to know that I wasn’t alone in what my life seems to be now. I came across this thread and @Justvisiting @Flee @selinakylie your words just struck such a chord with me. Literally posts I could have written myself. I just wanted to reach out and see how everyone is getting on.
My husband seems to have rapidly declined again over the last couple of weeks. We’ve been here before and feel like I’ve spent the last 8 years on eggshells just trying to avoid being here again. But it’s happened. Just knowing there are others who understand means so much right now. Hope you’re all doing ok.
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@Miss_Hopeful I think there are many of us who are having our lives severely impacted even destroyed by trying to care for someone who in my case, is mega difficult, controlling and non medically compliant. Can you tell us a little more about your own circumstances? 8 years is a long time especially if you are ‘walking on eggshells’.
There are no easy answers as in many cases leaving or getting the caree to leave are not viable options. I guess all we can do is try and ‘carve’ out some kind of life. My husband’s need for control has nearly destroyed me but I have started to realise that he has subjected me to years of ‘gaslighting’ to the point I really thought no one would believe me. I realise he is a very insecure unhappy old man with no friends but this really is his own fault.
I do not know your circumstances. Do you have any family? Any friends? If you have a local Support for Carers they may be worth a call? I have a telephone befriender - she is very good but husband tends to listen as I speak from the landline. I do not like speaking on my mobile outside as we live in a very built up area and getting coverage upstairs is not easy often. Indeed he has said HE is the ill one so why should I need a befriender. All I can do is try to fight back in small ways and carve out some kind of life and happiness.
I am waiting to see if he will get a Dementia diagnosis. I am not sure if this may change my options but need to progress this first.
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I’ve been away from this page for a while as things improved and sorry not to visit to support those of you who see little improvement. That sounds so tough @selinakylie @Miss_Hopeful and must be exhausting! I mentioned the impact of my husband’s ups and downs on me today and it was as if I’d slapped him - he was upset and I backtracked to reduce the impact. However he is also my best friend and confident when he’s well. The befriender sounds a good initiative - do you get any space for yourself @selinakylie to speak honestly? I do find writing things down and meditation helps a bit as I don’t have anyone I can confide in.
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