That sounds exhausting and puts my worries into perspective. It sounds as though you’re taking positive action to look after yourself which is great.
Hi Jackie, apologies for not responding before now…life! I was only talking to someone yesterday about trying to detach and look after ourselves a bit more…so easily said but in reality so hard to achieve.
I’ve now managed to find myself a Winter let which I’m taking for a few months. This I hope will give me some respite and allow my husband time to figure things out for himself. It means I won’t be watching him constantly, looking for signs of a further impending crisis. He’s been prescribed new medication which seems to be helping but only time will tell.
My thoughts and hugs to you, feel free to reach out anytime, the support on this forum has been and continues to be amazing xxx
4 Likes
Thankyou for your reply Kazzak how nice you have found a winter let, is that close to your home and will you pop in to see husband or have you just taken off so to speak? I like sound of it myself but rents around here quite high and i like my home comforts, i have done quite abit on our house in last 3/4 years as hadnt had anything really done for about 30 years and i feel if i move out im missing out on that too and i resent him having it all to himself (not that he probably cares) but he doesnt go anywhere it feels like a prison sometimes. Ive thought so many times im going to just divorce him and sell up but we wont have enough for a flat each even, its a horrible predicament to be in and i know we arent alone but some of the stories. I dont wish husband dead or anything but i sometimes hope he will be taken into hospital but even that looks unlikely. I had 4 days in Devon last week usually i go for 8 and it just wasnt enough and on last day i wanted to stay few more nights but hotel was full. Maybe i will go for bit longer in November if i can.
Hope your having a nice bit of free time take care xx
1 Like
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am in a similar position, the never knowing what his reaction will be to discussing a move. Which he needs to do if we are to manage, he has been diagnosed with Parkinsons so presumably will not improve enough to manage the stairs to the flat. But he goes into a sort of panic mode, breathing heavily, moaning, walking about whenever I try to show him a suitable place. He hates change, I do give him space, but we have almost bought three times and I had to cancel as he was ‘being poorly’. It does feel like manipulation sometimes but I do not want to be unkind. I feel at the end of my tether, worried about the future with no-one to help. I feel lost and alone and sad. This site helps, but it is surprising that so many people are in this position, with partners who seem to keep us under control, because of illness, sometimes not, which of course is terrible for them, but for us ‘ carers’ who used to be loving partners it is hell.
3 Likes
@Elisemig I can so relate to your post. You are right that there are many of us being ‘controlled’ by the person we are trying to care for. Sometimes I think being compassionate goes against us. Sending cyber hugs.
Thank you. Maybe we need to be more compassionate to ourselves, that will give us the patience to deal more sympathetically with our poorly loved one. We should not feel guilty, this is stressful but we’ll get through it, maybe it isn’t is deliberate ‘controlling’ but their illness causing their behaviour.
Not that it feels like that at the time. Cyber hugs back to you.
Sadly I think my husband is very difficult bitter controlling old man But yes, I agree that the illnesses may be making him feel more vulnerable. I am afraid I am suffering from ‘compassion fatigue’ after trying to deal with the non compliance over so many years.
Latest on the continuing saga… Well his new medication seemed to be doing an amazing job, he was on a real ‘high’ for several weeks. I must admit I was so relieved that I failed to miss the signs…he was too happy! Talked again of going on holiday together, I went along with it, talk about blinkered vision!! We, well I, booked a 3 week holiday to Portugal and all seemed to be going okay despite the fact that I had a niggling feeling that it was all going to go t**ts up!
Well 10 days ago he, according to him, stumbled and hit his knee. 2 days later he’s screaming in the middle of the night for an ambulance and fearing something serious I called one…Needless to say he was assessed to be ok, told to go to the minor injuries unit if the pain hadn’t improved in a couple of days. We ended up 2 days later at the hospital where he had x-rays. They determined he had some soft tissue injury and was told to elevate his leg, take pain killers and try and potter about.
Since then he’s been sat in his chair, only managing to stagger to the loo, refusing to go to bed because laying down is too painful… I really am at my wits end! I can’t help thinking that this is the usual sequence of events…he claims a physical illness/injury which surprise surprise leads to a crisis of anxiety and depression where he won’t leave the house, won’t eat, drink or wash unless cajoled! Or is it real which as usual he vehmenantly claims.
Needless to say I’ve not moved into my winter let as he currently needs full time care. Am I being a total cynic or is it as I suspect??? Who knows…but thanks for allowing me to rant
2 Likes
@Kazzac What would happen if you simply went to your Winter let? You could write to the GP surgery expressing your concerns and saying that they had a ‘duty of care’? If you became ill you would not be able to care for him and what would happen then?
1 Like
I might just do that! Is that correct about informing his GP they have a ‘duty of care’??
2 Likes
@Kazzac I think this is the legal term? Hopefully someone else will confirm? I would send Special Delivery too. I had to do this with my late father as I could not cope with Carers calling me to go over to give him his tablets/asking me to phone GP\take him to hospital/telling me he was not eating. I was trying to care for my husband who had just been discharged from hospital.
Please let us know how things go.
1 Like
Ok, so I moved into my winter let and spent the whole time consumed with a rage that took me by surprise. The anger was about being ’ forced’ out of my own home because of his behaviour. I felt so uncomfortable in somewhere that was not mine that I moved back into my home!!! I’m now feeling as mad as him!! If only I could get him to leave!! Of course now it’s all about his knee injury and his inability to walk… I managed to find a physiotherapist that did home visits and he came and diagnosed an issue with the ‘hoffas fat pad’ Of course I googled that and seems recovery can take 6 to 8 weeks to gain some mobility and then up to 6 months before full recovery! Wtf!! A good friend is saying I should move out and stay out, another is saying don’t be forced out of your home…I think you can probably tell from my ramblings that I am not in a good place myself…I kind of want to go back to the flat but having moved all my stuff back home in a fit of rage I’m finding the thought of having to pack a bag again totally overwhelming Phew!
2 Likes
You knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Did you stay away altogether, or go to care for him some of the time? Who is paying the bills at your old place?
2 Likes
I stayed away completely but not for long! Bills on our marital home are paid through a joint account. I’ve paid for my winter let from money I was left recently by a cousin.
It certainly is difficult, harder than I thought it would be. I’m not very good at detaching, still feel compassion albeit sporadically. Just didn’t get how angry I would feel to be forced out of my home, one paid for entirely by my inheritance. Yes I know that what’s mine is also his financially speaking but looking back over the years of his mental illnesses I wish I’d had the bottle to leave so many years ago when I still had energy! I just feel so tired, emotionally and physically, just don’t feel I have the energy to pack up and go again…
3 Likes
Hi @Kazzac
No advice to add but did want to say re
I have had this injury. It is painful but I managed to carry on working, caring and driving. I had physio exercises and used ice packs on my knee.
2 Likes
Thank you so much for that…this helps to confirm what I’ve been suspecting x
2 Likes
@Kazzac…what you’re going through sounds very similar to what I went through with my husband though his was more physical issues. Sending a big hug your way. I hear what you’re saying re your home but maybe for your own peace of mind you need to move back to the winter let and stay away for longer without going back.
1 Like
Kazzac, it’s an awful situation. Of course you should be annoyed at the need to leave your home because of his issues. However, your unexpected anger is surely your own subconscious telling you something? Have you ever considered counselling? My husband and I always discussed everything, after he died suddenly I needed to find someone to discuss things with. It wasn’t easy, newly widowed, newly disabled, brain damaged son….the problems seemed endless. I found counselling really helped me, and I think it’s worth considering for you because you are clearly unhappy. In the meantime, could you spend some time at your “bolthole” every week for some peace and quiet?
2 Likes
@Kazzac Can relate totally to your post and your anger and ambivalence. I too echo Bowlingbun and would suggest considering counselling. I feel anger towards my medically non compliant husband too frankly and this makes it very hard to care and monitor and give tablets. Keep on posting and you WILL negotiate a way through this.
1 Like
Thank you! Yes now spending a bit of time in my bolt hole and more importantly have contacted a local counselling service and am waiting to hear back from them x
2 Likes