Hi everyone
I’ve just joined and have never posted on a forum before, so forgive me if I ramble.
I’ve been married to my OH for 38 years and for roughly 30 of those he has been a diagnosed OCD sufferer. For most of that time he was also suffering from social anxiety and bouts of depression. Following a breakdown he had to give up work about 7 years ago, and I took early retirement to care for him. On reflection this probably wasn’t the greatest idea but it’s done now. He is now totally dependent on me for reassurance, which he does try to control, but when I try to help him every word is diagnosed and torn apart to confirm everything I say. He spends a lot of this time telling me I don’t understand his problem, that I’m cruel and nasty to get frustrated with this, that he doesn’t get frustrated when I need help ( I need a new hip) and doesn’t seem satisfied until I get upset with the whole thing. We are together 24/7 as my mobility is limited and he cannot leave the house alone. I have a craft room upstairs which I can retreat to but every time I do when I come back down he tells me how terrified he’s been on his own and the whole cycle of reassurance starts again. Add to this that we have a very limited income, as we can’t work, and money is a huge worry to him.
It’s also making me feel exceedingly guilty that it has become more difficult to cope with his condition recently, which upsets us both.
Sorry for rambling, but I think I just needed to offload some of this. All the everyday stuff has just got on top of me and outside help isn’t an option as this just confirms in his mind that I don’t love him enough to help him properly, plus his SAD means other people distress him significantly.
Thanks for listening
Welcome to the forum. Just a few quick questions to start with.
How old are you both?
When did you last have a Carers Assessment from Social Services, and your husband, a Needs Assessment?
What is he going to do when you have your hip replacement? Are you putting it off because of him?
Do you keep a diary?
Can you drive?
Your answers will help us give best advice.
Phew, lots of questions:
How old are you both? I’m 70, he’s 62
When did you last have a Carers Assessment from Social Services
, and your husband, a Needs Assessment?
Never, any contact with authority causes several days and nights of meltdowns.
What is he going to do when you have your hip replacement?
We don’t really know at the moment
Are you putting it off because of him?
Of course
Do you keep a diary?
No
Can you drive?
Yes
That’s really helpful. It means that your husband is probably entitled to PIP. If he finds forms too stressful, do you have Power of Attorney for him. He might even be exempt from Council Tax due to severe mental impairment. Others here have delayed their replacement too long. You would feel so much better afterwards. I have 2 knee replacements after a car accident. Does he understand that you are going to need help for a few weeks afterwards? It’s such a difficult situation.
Hi @user18 Another welcome to the Forum.
BB is ‘hot’ on Benefits and has lots of experience in that field, which is why she asked all those questions. You’ll find lots of people here have experience in different areas as well as giving general support. We all share and pool our knowledge.
Never be afraid to ask for information as someone will almost certainly have been in the same situation.
You’ll find many of us “regulars” chat on the Roll Call thread where we have a moan when we need to; share a laugh; or just check in to see how each of us is doing.
You’ll find it at https://forum.carersuk.org/t/roll-call-may-2025/127055/229 and I’d recommend having a look around - dip in if or when you feel comfortable. A warm welcome awaits.
It certainly seems you have your hands full. My husband suffered a stroke almost 3 1/2 years ago and we had to close our small business suddenly as I became his f/t carer. Since tehn he’s had a cascade of other health issues and is very reliant on me even though he has limited mobility. I get similar comments if I go out and don’t get back at “the right time” - “I was so worried about you - I thought you’d had an accident” and that sort of comment. He panics if my phone chimes with a text and tries to get up to get it for me, despite me saying ‘if it’s important they will RING!’ So many things have an unnecessary level of importance. I attend every medical appointment and keep tabs on everything as his short-term memory is rubbish. Order and deal with all his meds and keep on top of changes as he doesn’t remember what to take, or when.
Don’t put off a hip replacement unnecessarily - you will be more mobile afterwards and therefore more able to cope with caring for him. Talk to your GP and point out HE will need help during your convalescence.
Best wishes
Chris