@Elisemig Hi and welcome! Yes, it seems I too am stuck in this never ending loop…What you said about this elite group that none of us wanted to join resonated so much as I’m also a member of another elite group that no one ever wanted to join…my son died in an accident some years ago and as bereaved parents we refer to ourselves as members of a club no one wanted to join. Sometimes, having gone through that makes it so hard to understand my husband’s illness…My son Adam was my husband’s stepson, he has 2 children by his first wife and 4 grandchildren, all happy and well. Adam was my only child and had no children of his own. The fact that I battled through and survived my son’s death without totally ‘cracking up’ really gets to me when I see the state of Rog, my husband. I so feel at times like shouting at him 'FFS what have you got to be so f’ing miserable about but I know that does no good at all (I have tried it!!) Anyway, we battle on and thanks again x
Sending cyber hugs to all- totally agree it is a ‘Club’ none of us want to be a member of. But hopefully we can support each other through. I agree about carving a life out however hard it is, as caring is so very very draining.
Well, after yet another sleep disturbed night I’ve tentatively decided that acceptance is the key to all of this and so I’m accepting, for now, that this is my lot…that maybe it’s my punishment for past misdemeanours, of which I admit are probably many.
So just for today I accept this is what I have to do, I must stop ‘fighting’ it and make the most of it. I am in a position to be able to take time out, I have friends and some savings so as to afford a holiday now and again. It could be all so much worse.
I accept too that I no longer love or respect my husband but that I can be his carer, that detaching more emotionally will enable me to carry on
I acknowledge too that after a day or so of him really ‘kicking off’ I may want to escape forever again, but this feeling will hopefully pass again
That’s it really, I’m accepting that this is how it’s meant to be…for whatever bl***dy reason 
@Kazzac No one deserves to be verbally abused in their own home. And this is what appears to be happening? I never thought at 62 sleep would be a luxury. I do think it is worth you at least looking at other options to see if freedom is achievable or something you could work towards.
I agree we have to try and accept our ‘lot’ if there is no way out, or in my case, no acceptable way out , as the loss of my cats and home is a price I am not prepared to pay, even though the risk to my mental health is huge. Thankfully husband mega frail now so I do not think I am in any physical danger.
@Kazzac…I agree with @selinakylie…keep looking into renting the flat for the winter, it will
give you some much needed respite and time to take a step back to think about what you want/can do to make your situation better.
@Sue24 @selinakylie Thanks both, yes perhaps you’re right, maybe keep some options open, if only for some respite. When I said about Rog ‘kicking off’ I probably used the wrong term for want of a better one. What I meant was when he goes into crisis, a full on anxiety attack that can last a few days. He rarely verbally abused me, just himself! He huddles in corners, cries and sobs uncontrollably, refuses to eat etc etc…
@Kazzac Still very very hard for you to cope with though. I know he is ill, but to me, his behaviour sounds very much like ‘emotional blackmail’?
@selinakylie
This!
‘his behaviour sounds very much like ‘emotional blackmail’?’
‘Emotional blackmail’ is the term that does feel right sometimes. I try to stand back and convince myself that I am flattered that he needs me, and that it isn’t controlling. And I am going to take time for myself, going for walks, without the iphone!
@Elisemig My issue is that I never know when husband says he feels ill if he is doing it just to control me or genuinely is ill. He is going through a phase of wanting a contact number when I go out, even though it is usually of short periods. For example, when I went for a lunch with my Social Group he said he needed the restaurant number so he could call me ’ in case one of the cats was ill or had an ‘accident’. I will NEVER be articulate enough to express the hatred I felt towards him that day. Using my love for the cats to control and intimidate me - keeping me ‘on edge’. His health is getting worse so I put the younger cats in the bedroom but when I returned home, I immediately did a Roll Call.
I do not tell him I am going out until quite close to the time I go. I have a few supportive friends, who have said if he phones, they would take me home as I do not drive. I usually go to the Manor House or Community Cafe in the village - both 5 mins walk or to the local Italian in town. He often says he 'might need to call the GP ’ when I am close to leaving. I think you have to try and set boundries and NOT give in. But it is very very hard.
I think that the fact that sometimes ‘hatred’ against someone who you have loved, and still do, is the emotion that takes over, is one of the most distressing things about these situations. But those moments are inevitable, our own personal freedom and feelings are sometimes being manipulated, intentionally or not, by partners we ‘have’ to care for, despite our own problems.
@Elisemig @selinakylie my issue too! Not knowing when is he really ill or just doing it to control me! Just another facet of this nightmare!
…and yes, the hatred!
@Kazzac I think the hatred is normal! Caring is so draining and if the person is non medically compliant, as my husband is, the stress of trying to care is magnified. No easy answers but just to find joy as and where we can. I think you should pursue the flat and see if it is a viable option. The lack of sleep is draining and you might find it easier to cope if you have a safe place and it would give you ‘breathing space’ to think through your options? I think I feel angry because my husband was drinking a litre of vodka a day at his worst so a lot of his issues I feel were self inflicted. Ok he cut right down in 2013 after the heamtoma but even when we married in 1990he was on 2 bottles of wine plus a day. I think he was a high functioning alcoholic and due to the age difference, back in 1990, I was not aware of this. It was ok until we retired and then it made me see how controlled and restricted I was. He had no interest in making friends and totally isolated me. I do feel he struggled with retirement and ‘loss of status’ but I did vol work for the National Trust and tried very hard to get him involved in this and also later Rotary. I think he is jealous because I do chair two Book Clubs and am an Admin of my Social Group. But if I had had friends back in 2013, when they were going to discharge him after the brain heamatoma, and support, I doubt very much if I would have had him back. For months I had to cope with ‘I want to look into your eyes as you die’ and ‘Life imprisonment is not long at 74’. It was put down to his drinking and the brain heamatoma building up, but was still scary. I will always remember going to bed with my dressing gown and top on - mobile in pocket and upstairs hall light on. It is easy to say ‘oh he was ill’ but I am very damaged and tbh his behaviour is still vindicative now when he does not get his own way or get his ‘Little Drudge’ to obey. He is 85 so I am hoping ‘nature takes its course’ and I do my best to keep him fed, medicated and clean but it is an uphill struggle.
@selinakylie my heart goes out to you…your situation sounds awful, a living nightmare! I just thank my lucky stars that I still do have options. Take care 
@Kazzac I am ok now as have fought back and over a period of years, have got a circle of a few good friends. I think issue was husband isolated me and therefore brainwashed me, constantly telling me no one would believe me about the Mental Abuse and physical threats as he has been a MD of a Plc and I was a ‘nothing’. So my advice to anyone in a similar position is start to reach out slowly and find the a support system. Takes time, literally took me years. Easier when I got to 55, as could at least take my private pension lump sum but until then he threatened to stop my credit cards so I could not buy food for the cats or pay their vet bills. Cats in joint names and in happier times we used to show them together. The credit cards are still in his name with me having a joint card. I am his third wife and the age difference is 23 years - we have been married nearly 34 years and I really regret marrying him. But I have relatively good health, my darling cats and good friends so I try to ‘count my blessings’. It sounds as if you have some good friends too? Build on this it will get your through.
Bless your heart. Just remember we know you now, and you are in our thoughts. Let your mind be alert to problems but keep space to protect yourself. And do not feel bad about it, it’s only natural and your way of surviving. Your life is as important as the life of the person you care for, more so, because without you he would be lost. But that doesn’t mean you should feel you have to sacrifice your survival instinct. Well done for everything you do, but you mustn’t feel obliged to abandon your own life for someone who has become ‘someone else’, because that’s what it feels like at times. Our loved one has gone, remains in our hearts but has changed into someone we do not recognise. I am bewildered by the whole illness,
it seemed to come out of nowhere.
Hello and sorry what you’re going through and totally get it as most of us do in this group. Please take a look at this book [Xavier Amador)
I Am Not Sick I Don’t Need Help!: How to Help
It’s on Amazon mental health is the worse especially when they say they are ok when clearly they are not and convince the professionals been through this so many times with whom I care for and it’s so frustrating. Does sound like could be bio polar type illness. Best thing to do is keep a diary ( you may do anyway) and then show it the professionals of they listen. My frustration is for me they don’t listen and when I say how bad it is but then the speak to the person I care for he says “I’m ok “ and they take it as that !! Which has ended in catastrophic consequences for not listening in the past. The road to mental health isn’t straightforward it’s a sqiggly line all over the place and it’s hard real hard for carers and other unless live it don’t get it at all !!! Half the battle is getting correct diagnosis and medication and getting the person to have trust in those wanting to help and when they have lack of insight it’s part of the illness unfortunately. Good luck we get you we feel you totally and lots of love and strength 
Hi Kazza, you are definitely not being punished. But I know how hard it is not to take it personally when you’re the person having hate targeted at you.
I don’t have much to say except that we’ve really benefited from the support from bipolar UK so if you can get to any of their online support groups or speak to the peer helper line, that might help.
I hope you can find your flat.
Hi Kazzac
I have only just seen your message, i am in a similar situation i am 67 my husband 79 but we have been separated for quite a few years following a family trauma, i just detached after it but we remained living together due to stress of upheaval on top of everything, we are friends so it wasnt all bad. Then 2 years ago we were in a car crash our car overturned but we by a miracle were unhurt, had xrays etc at hospital and went home later. He seemed to give up after it, started doing less and less not walking having bladder accidents during night, (had prostate cancer) watching tv sits in chair all time and about a year ago started getting more forgetful, now confused, etc ive had times when i just felt like leaving i so want to have my life back to how it was 2 years ago i used to jump on the train to have few days away now all i keep doing is putting off trips as im scared to leave him. Peopke have said he could go on for years like it, its so hard isnt it we need to live our own lives but are being dragged into something we didnt sign up for i feel ashamed at times for feeling as i do but i read on this support group so many other lovely people feel like that too so i manage to go through another day. I just wanted to send you some hugs and hope your ok xx