Hello all, just another newbie popping alo g to introduce myself- im sure you get an influx at this time of year!
I’m Becca, in my late 30’s based in South Wales and I’m currently a carer for my partner. We’ve been together 10 years and his needs have gradually increased over that time to a point where i do pretty much everything for him.
I work fulltime in addition to caring for him and i absolutely love my job. Ive worked hard to get here (including learning Welsh) and while my job is usually my sanctuary, we are going through a period of change and im doing aspects i dont particularly enjoy more and more - but it is what it is.
I go through periods of really struggling with my caring responsibilities along with everything else i have to juggle (i do all life admin, shopping and the majority of the cleaning) and then my mental health takes a nose dive. I dont have a support network which is why I’m here i guess to find people who are in a similar situation.
I do love my partner but his inability to do anything (like picking up after himself, cleaning etc) is driving me bonkers! He is classed as unfit for work and receives UC and spends his days sleeping and gaming
Not sure what else to say right now other than hi, and i look forward to getting to know you all
Hi, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have an awful lot to juggle. I’m glad you’ve reached out, this forum has got me through some tough times. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m 55 and my husband is 59. He’s had numerous health issues over many years and has severe mobility problems. He is now in a care home after spending 7 months in hospital and a physio rehab centre. He came home last Feb with carers doubled up four times a day but I couldn’t cope as he wouldn’t/couldn’t do anything for himself. He ended up moving into a care home back in May last year and resents me for being there. We don’t have any contact now as he has chosen not to be friends. Sending big hugs your way.
@BeccaP Welcome from me too. It does sound as if you have a huge amount to deal with right now. It is so hard when they wont co-operate or help themselves. I can certainly understand the exhaustion.
My husband is 85 and medically non compliant so caring for him is a challenge. TBH I no longer want to do it but only way I can keep my home. I have been caring officially since Jan 2013 but unofficially probably a couple of years prior to this. I am 63. I can get out but only for short periods and my challenge is trying to work out if he is really going donwhill or just saying he feels ill to stop me meeting friends for coffee.
I can go out (and he doesnt begrudge that) its just i feel guilty - between him, the housework and a chronically anxious cat who is attached to me at the hip, i find being out and not at work a challenge because i feel i should be at home.
My maternal grandfather suffered badly from depression and anxiety, and i have it ‘easy’ compared to what my mum had to navigate, but i suppose every situation is different and you cant really compare them.
It is hard because the clutter and mess make my anxiety worse, so then i dont properly relax when i do get down time!
Have you had a Carers Assessment from Social Services, and has your husband had a Needs Assessment?lIf he is making the “clutter and mess” and he is on benefits, some housework support might be possible. However if he is well enough for gaming why can’t he do more to help you?
Hi @BeccaP welcome to the forum. You might need some extra help and support. I am from South Wales too and the local carers Centre do try to help. Maybe your other half could do with some carers or PA to come in and help share the load of caring for him. As for cleaning, I am in the same boat but slowly getting it sorted depending on how bad it is maybe you could get some help from a cleaning firm but do be aware of what they do as some will just put it in a boxes and that can cause it own troubles and the same with a house being declutted as some will clear the house but will not check if they can get rid of certain things without asking. Social services can help but be careful with them as they can be a lost cause.
Hi @bowlingbun, thanks for the message. No we havent had a carers assessment. Im registered with gp etc as a carer but not managed to get anyrhing else sorted. I also need to do a PIP application for him but i just dont have the mental space to do that at present.
No idea. He DOES cook a meal for me every day that im in work, which is nice and i ask he leave the kitchen tidy. But he has left the cooker on more than once, and his idea and my idea of tidy are different.
He says he doesnt see the meas and his medication makes him not bothered by it. I can and do leave lists of things for him to do, but he very rarely does everything on them (i ask for maybe 4 small things to be done over the course of a week - ill get a maximum of 3 done, and he often veers off and does something else too). If i aak for something to be done as im leaving for work (if he is up - which is rare) he says he forgets - and that this is a side effect of his medications/conditions
Hi Michael, good to know someone else in the general area! Thanks for the tip about the carers centre in the area - ive not made contact there but may do in the future. I am coping at present though (just in a down swing right now)
Re: cleaning its probably not as bad as its sounds. I live in a family owned property and we are in the process of doing it up but have come to a standstill so its half decorated and nothing has a home. Plus its full of stuff for my parents (who had to move in a hurry a few years back due to a house fire and we still have stuff stored for them) and my sister (who has just had a baby) plus stuff that used to belong to my grandparents that we need to sort through.
We will get there and family have offered to help - I’m just not quite ready for that yet - i have a rescue cat who freaks out when we have any kind of visitor so thats alwasy a factor (and contributing to my stress levels atm as she needs to go to the vet for her annual check up and refuses to be caught)
Hi Becca! Welcome to the group. Take your time and take a look around. There’s a lot to take in here and loads of folk willing to offer support and encouragement.
You do have a lot on your plate and I hope you’ll enjoy it here. Please share with us what you do, your job… after all this is a forum for carers as well.
We restored a cottage when our eldest was a baby, not easy.
There are some things that you could do to make your home less of an issue.
Giving those who have left their stuff ant your place a generous deadline, maybe Easter. Either take it away by then or it will go to a charity.
Do one room at a time.
We did kitchen, bathroom and lounge first.
Do you have your own den/study/sanctuary?
However the most difficult question is do you want to continue like this, or a divorce?
So we have done one of the bedrooms, the bathroom, living room and a small craft room (but this is currently used to dry washing and needs to have the cupboards reconfigured)
The kitchen is in progress but has come to a standstill - the tiles need to be stripped off so we can wallpaper and we have the stuff to do the hallway but not the time or motivation.
do i want to stay together? Honest answer is i don’t know. I love him, but am not IN love with him.
If we split up he would have nowhere to go and i don’t think he would manage on his own anymore. I know that shouldnt be a consideration, but for me it is.
Hi tootsie - Thanks! I work in a museum helping to interpret the past for visitors (my favourite bit) but also answering phones and email enquiries too - depends where im stationed for the day
@BeccaP Your job sounds lovely but I am sure it is demanding. I used to do vol work for the National Trust as a Room Steward and I really enjoyed it.
You have my sympathy re your husband cooking. We always eat seperately partially because I am a vegetarian and also because he wont eat at set times. He too has left the ring on. He also has let the butter/oil burn off when frying his steak - he eats it out of the pan. He has burnt endless pans. It basically means my time ‘allowed out’ is limited and I am always ‘on edge’ with one eye on the clock. I too have cats but I bred mine and they are Norwegian Forest Cats. Mega failed breeder as none ever left home.
I do not want to depress you but you do need to think about YOUR future, care needs tend to increase especially if your husband wont help himself? Do you really want to live this way in 5 or 10 years. If I had known my husband would still be alive NOW when he had the brain heamatoma back in 2013 not sure I would have had him back. But I realise this is a very harsh thing to make you think about so all I can say is that MAYBE it is worth investigating counselling and spending some time working through what you want. I realise you have so much to juggle that this may not be a viable option but do please keep it in mind.
Ask a local plasterer to take the tiles off.
A few years ago I had all the old plaster of an entire room removed in under a morning by our plasterer. He’s done quite a lot of work on my old cottage, likes my cups of tea, home made cake, and cash. Just get a big fan shut the door and open the windows, anything like that is horribly dusty. He likes little jobs like that that only take a few hours while there is a lull in a bigger job.
Thank you so much fpr taking the time to reply - i do appreciate it!
This time of year is less demanding but during busy season it absolutely can be, but its wonderful
I would LOVE a Norwegian Forest cat. To be honest my cat is large enough to be one at her last vet visit she weighed in at 8.2 kilos! and is very anxious! We rehomed her from cats protection in december 2018, and we are her 5th home (she was only 18 months - 2 years when we got her) we have been prescribed gabapentin for vet visits etc but her fight or flight kicks in and overwhelms even a large dose. I think im going to need to get my brother in law to come over and help me catch her to get her to the vets soon.
I hear what you are saying and appreciate it (and my family say the same thing!) Ive tried accessing counselling here and had no luck yet, and medication but i cannot tolerate it. Right now i cannot afford a private counsellor. If i had known even 5 years ago how bad things would have gotten, i might have taken different steps, but he is now so dependent on me i cant see a way out of at present - it is something i am hugely aware of but thank you
@ tootsie yes it is awesome and busy and demanding but it is also my dream job and i feel incredibly honoured and lucky that i get to do it all day - it doesnt feel like work for the most part!
@bowlingbun sadly i dont have a handyman like that nor could i afford it! But that would be so traumatic for my cat as well that its not a possibility.
It is a dusty job (but not as bad as having the electrics done! And one ive done before, i just dont have the time to devote to it right now.
The trouble ive had trying to get other contractors in for small jobs recently as well leads me to think that demand is so high people are able to pick and choose their jobs. I tried to get someone in to deal with a wasps nest next to my front door (its currently stuck locked) and after giving an initial quote, never got back to me, and most recently i requested quotes for fixing my front door and from 4 companies, only 1 has replied to me.
In other news i arrived home from work to discover no consideration for an evening meal, and of the 2 tasks i had asked to be done (bring in the washing and put it on the airer to finish drying, and empty the food waste) the washing had been brought in but not put on the airer (and bizarrely smells AWFUL despite being hung out all day and smelt fine when i put it out) so i had to do both of those things before sitting down. I found it really hard to keep a lid on my temper, and now am struggling not to cry. Trying to talk through things just leads to him getting defensive and angry so no point in bringing it up
The marriage vows are a two way street, you both love each other and look after each other.
You are doing all the giving and he’s doing all the taking (but still able to do gaming!)
When did you last feel truly happy?
Have you ever thought about marriage guidance?
In the course of my work, when newly married, I went to see a disabled lady, who told me that it would soon be her 50th wedding anniversary. I offered my congratulations. She clearly hated her husband and said it meant she had been married to THAT for 50 years. In her day, divorce was really frowned upon.
@bowlingbun Can relate to THAT lady. When anyone asks how long E and I have been married I always so ‘Way too long’ and most think I am joking. Trust me I am not.
Sounds interesting, busy, and demanding. 
at her last vet visit she weighed in at 8.2 kilos! 
and is very anxious! We rehomed her from cats protection in december 2018, and we are her 5th home (she was only 18 months - 2 years when we got her) we have been prescribed gabapentin for vet visits etc but her fight or flight kicks in and overwhelms even a large dose. I think im going to need to get my brother in law to come over and help me catch her to get her to the vets soon.