Hi, I’m new! Trying to figure out the set up.
I am 62, a part-timePublic Servant, 23 years in current employ. Juggling my time between looking after my husband of 64 who suddenly found himself ‘disabled’ due to work injury 18 months ago. I am not new to caring for family because I have been looking after my elderly mother 82, semi-independent but does require help with hospital appts and anything else she cant manage. She is widowed and lives alone. Also a younger brother, who had a massive stroke at 43 (he’s now 53, has aphasia but is still living independently-just) As he cannot speak, it’s a challenge when called upon to speak up for him, GP appts, basic communication help when necessary.
I am the eldest sibling of 4 - used to be 5 but I lost another brother to suicide in 2019.
I suppose I am a classic example of 'the eldest who is looked to and relied upon to look out for all of them! The thing is, I am generally able to cope being a strong character where nothing phases me and I get on with it.
My husband was always a great support, sharing the family load with me which helped me. Unfortunately now, he cannot and I now find that the role has somewhat reversed - he needs support just as much as the others and I have to prioritise - put him first.
I dont receive any financial help due to working and earnings being above the threshold. We do get some U/C and my husband is in receipt of PIP. It’s been a challenge but we have made our financial adjustments. It’s a weird feeling being the bread-winner now. Both my husband and I have worked all our adult life - him for 48 years and me not far behind. We had one child (she’s now 35 and married with 2 children)
Our grandchildren have been a delight through the difficult times and I try hard to give them as much time as I can. I help with childcare when able.
I am now finding that as I am ageing myself, having a few of my own health problems, still working and still trying to juggle time for mum and brother, I am getting really tired, cranky and overwhelmed with it all. This has obviously made me very low in mood, not able to sleep, feelings of wanting to run away and at my liwest moments, some dark thoughts. This makes me angry at myself because I’ve always coped before. I lost my best friend to cancer in 2019 within 6 months of losing my 40 year old brother to suicide and then had to deal with the world lockdown in 2020. I brushed myself down and got on with it and was proud of my strength. Now I feel guilty because I’m less able to give 100% and hate myself for having such negative feelings.
I apologise for the length of my post but it must be because I just dont have anyone to talk to anymore and it’s perhaps a build up of steam that needs letting out.
I do feel better for getting it all out and thank you for the information about the forum.
Welcome to the forum @Historian_62 You are certainly dealing with an awful lot. The first thing I would say is please don’t continue to beat yourself up. You have kept going and been the strong one for so long and for so many people, it is totally understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed… and with that comes tired, cranky and having some dark thoughts.
A wise person I once knew, told me that I don’t have to give 100% all of the time, it isn’t sustainable. You can only do as much as you can do, and if that is 50% or whatever, then that is good enough.
Please listen to your mind and body, because they are telling you to start taking care of yourself. You must have heard the saying about when on an airplane if you don’t take the oxygen yourself first then you can’t help others; apply the same analogy here - if you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to be there for your husband and others.
Kind thoughts, EEG
Stop trying to be Superwoman, start yelling help!
Everyone must accept that they need help from someone other than you. Work and husband must be your priority now.
@Historian_62 Hello from me. Heavens you really have a HUGE load to deal with and I have to echo BB and say it is not sustainable and you need to get some help in place. I know easy to say but hard to implement. That said your body IS trying to tell you something as in ‘please slow down’ as you sound as if you are approaching burnout.
You really need to try and get some help in place for your brother. Might be worth writing to his GP and stating that you are near ‘burnout’ and that he is a vulnerable adult and ask what they can put in place to keep him safe. Would your mother consider paid help as in Carers? If you have a local ‘Support for Carers’ it might be worth phoning them and ask them to help you make a list re what could be delegated caring wise and the best way to implement it.
Please do not let this get to a total crisis. You really do need to step back and put yourself first.
Hi @Historian_62 and welcome!
I’ve always found that carers do give 100% - but what that 100% is, changes with circumstances. You deal with so much that even switching from one situation to another takes a lot of effort because you have no time for you.
As others have said, it’s not sustainable. You need to seek help with this before you end up needing care yourself.
Either your loved ones get help now, or after you get a major illness or die. My lovely husband died in his sleep from a massive heart attack. We had a disabled son, and all four parents were disabled, and running a business. None of us are invincible.