Hi, I’m paul been caring for my partner for a number of years as well as trying to work full time . She has MS and we do get support from the council for care visits. However, I’m struggling. I suffer with depression and have tried various treatments but i think ultimately it is being a carer that causes it.
I don’t think I’m a very good carer. My partner acts like I’m not and keeps blaming me for things which makes me miserable. I just don’t know what the point is of me sticking around putting up with this.
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Hi Paul, welcome to the forum.
You sound burned out, what I call a Clapped Out Carer. You’ve done so much for so long there is nothing left?
I remember driving home from mum’s one day, getting her house ready for yet another discharge from hospital that I knew wouldn’t be a success, thinking “I just can’t do this any more”. Fortunately mum agreed ultimately to move into residential care.
No one can be forced to be a carer, not even a husband for a wife!
When you are working so hard without a break, your wife should appreciate what you are doing, not moan about what you can’t.
On the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling specifically aimed at managing mum’s expectation. I thought it would be a waste of time, but it was life changing. Quite a novelty to have someone concerned about me and my life for once. What three things about your situation are you struggling with most? What would help most, or do you want your wife to move into residential care? When did you last have a week on your own away from caring?
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Hi Paul
Welcome
I am sad to read how trapped you feel.
Finding a space for you like counselling could be through your GP.
I hope you can find a way of improving your relationship so you feel appreciated and have more rest and energy.
You do sound too tired to keep things the same.
Warmest wishes Ula
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Welcome to Carers Connect,
I’m new here too. I joined mostly because I recognised the decline in my own mental health recently which has been aggravated by the increasing care needs of those close to me (other than my main caree). I’m a warrior against depression, which I am sad to hear you are also. I also have Anxiety which I try to manage, but which also gets the better of me too often.
It can feel so lonely when you’re a carer, and sometimes it feels like you’re in this role all by yourself. There’s no ‘boss’ to praise you for your efforts, or recognise training issues, and so your caree is your only guide in how ‘well’ you’re doing…
But, our carees are also fighting against feeling vulnerable and incapable. No one wants to feel that they are insufficient. So, sometimes, its all too easy to get upset/angry and blame others for how they feel. The people close to us are often the people who are the easiest to lash out at and blame. That doesn’t mean we have the right to do that, but it does indicate where that person is emotionally.
It’s easy for me to say, but please try not to buy into the ‘truth’ of the criticism directed towards you. It’s not true; you are actually amazing. You’re a carer, and that makes you one of the best people in the world, as far as I am concerned.
I completely agree with the advice already provided - do seek out some support for yourself. Talking therapy is incredibly powerful, and helps you challenge ‘truths’ that are often just ideas you’ve not realised you need to look at differently, or just let go of altogether.
Keep talking and sharing your story. Carers care for each other too - we’ll all be here for you.
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