Worried about Dad

Hi there,

All new to me this. Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia back in Nov last year, was quite a shock, but with this started helping him out, taking him shopping and normal errands. Got him a mobility scooter as he was advised not to drive so he could get to Drs and local shops. After Xmas noticed changes in him and commenced the POA forms and have them ready for signing, but on this he has said I am rushing him, have taken a step back, but I feel time is not on our side as he has gone down hill rapidly. Butcher really need these forms signing as don’t want to go down courts of Justice route.

Since refusing to sign the POA he has been obsessed with going to the bank to sort things out, would be easy but it is 5 miles away.

Today he was trying to get money from the local post office but for some reason would not allow the transaction. He phoned me up at work to tell me this and luckily was in the area to visit him and try to find out why. He said pin did not work (could be he put the wrong pin in). Said I would take him to the bank hopefully tomorrow to sort. Unfortunately tonight he called me and asked me for the money he gave me today (he did not give me any), told him this, but he was adamant. Reminded him that his card did not work, but he said he needed it as he was being picked up tomorrow, this rang alarm bells as he knows no one with a car but me, asked who was taking him out and in no uncertain words told me where to go and not to run his life, just trying to help and assist him at this time.

Feel I am now the enemy,

Help please


Hello & welcome David

What a very worrying time! Are Social Services aware of your Dad has he had a needs assessment done. Dad would now be deemed as a vulnerable adult.
I would be very inclined to make contact with Social Services. At the very least Dad should be registered on the system.
What Dads relationship like with his neighbours?

Talk to his bank tomorrow, explain that he has limited mental capacity. They can then put measures in place.

Hi David. Many people with dementia, especially in the earlier stages, don’t realise that there is anything wrong. They’re “just a bit forgetful”. So when things sometimes go wrong, it’s the bank not accepting his PIN rather than he’s forgotten his. It’s amazing how we all struggle with PINs - I have three different ones - and let’s not talk about passwords for different online services. Which they then tell you not to write down. If your Dad did a lot of business online, you’d probably get a lot more calls…

But when it all goes wrong it’s unsettling, so along with his memory leaving gaps and even imprinting false memories, he’s going to feel a bit got at by life and he’ll see your trying to help in a very different light. It certainly happened with my Mum. I’ve never forgotten the phone call about her traffic accident as the passenger in an ambulance that collided with a bus, all of which happened while she was in bed on her hospital ward. It was all pretty vivid stuff and totally false. And she still remembers it, while the stuff that really happens falls into a black hole. And yes, I’ve been accused of holding onto her money, keeping her locked up in a prison (care home), all sorts. It’s no fun. But it’s the dementia doing the talking, and once I’ve got through the initial upset of the call, I can settle down again, knowing that I’m doing everything I can to help her.

And you can too. Dementia is distorting your Dad’s views and the worry is that he may not now have sufficient capacity to sign the POA forms. Either way, you can talk to the bank with him: they can provide cards that need a signature instead of a PIN, and there may also be other measures that they can take to protect your Dad. Most banks have special arrangements for dementia patients and hold that information online, so if you do a search for dementia and your dad’s bank, you’ll know in advance what they can do to help. It pays to be prepared.

Hi David
I had very similar situations with my husband. He forgot his pin and kept phoning me for it. Accused me of having someone else in bed with me when he was in hospital which absolutely devastated me. I could go on with various situations. I too was trying to set up power of attorney. One week he agreed, the next he deteriorated massively and had no idea what I was talking about, so unfortunately I had to go down the court of protection route. If you can go to the bank with your dad you maybe in time for him to understand and agree. I do hope so.
As far as being the enemy, this will happen, and yes it’s very hurtful, but you will find it won’t last. I learned to treasure the happy visits I had with hubby ( he was in a nursing home) and push to one side the not so good ones. Not easy but told myself it’s the blasted dementia not the man I loved and married.
Can you contact the Alzheimer’s society? Sometimes can be very helpful.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s rotten for everyone.

I use PIN numbers related to houses I’ve lived in and vehicles we own. Then I can write on my card with a marker, the address of the house I lived in as a child on the card, and use that phone number. Our steam engines have two four digit numbers associated with them they are also useful. I can then write a reminder on the card that means nothing to anyone else. M uses one for his PIN. The family has one memorable number for unimportant things like Sky. Dad probably did national service. How about the first four numbers of his service number?