Some Concerns

Hi, my dad has had suspected Vascular Dementia since his last stroke a few years ago and today we have had his diagnosis and he does have vascular dementia.

I have a number of worries generally about my Dad in regards to his care that is given by my Mum.
My Mum has been caring for my dad since his strokes. I care for him as well with the time that I can spare.
I can see my Mum is struggling physically and mentally that is having a serious effect on her well being. I can see she is not giving my Dad the care he needs there are so many alarming concerns to his quality of life. She will not accept carers coming to the house and refuses other support that is available.
It is basically me and my partner that offers all the support they need but it is having a serious effect on our life and relationship.

I would like to know if I can be a power of attorney for my Dad and if this will help towards my Dad being able to get some carers to their home every day. I can see there is a lot of neglect and my mum just isn’t giving him the care he needs. I now can’t care for my Dad as much as I did but my Mums decisions for both of their well beings are very worrying. I don’t think she is thinking clearly and for their best interests. Her focus is based on saving money even though she is over the threshold and receiving multiple benefits on top of both of their pensions.

Any help on steps to take would be very appreciated.


John, whether or not dad has carers is NOT up to your mum!
What solution do you think is best?
Maybe residential care?
If you think mum is neglecting dad, then start by contacting his doctor. A letter might be best, outlining your concerns. Ask them to do a visit, on the pretext of “we haven’t seen you at the surgery for a while, so I’ve called in as we like to keep an eye on our most senior patients”.
I understand that lockdown may make this difficult, but they still have a duty of care.
Alternatively, Social Services have a duty to protect “vulnerable adults”. They should take your concerns very seriously.
How old are your parents?
Do you think mum is developing dementia?

Honestly, don’t know about the Power of Attorney, maybe ring Alzheimer’s Society?

This bit will sound bad but, if your mother’s main concern is saving money, perhaps telling her that if she doesn’t accept carers her husband will have to go in residential care may give her a nudge.
Do they have a Social Worker? If not you could try asking Social Services. My parents got one when mam needed urgent respite, they can be a great help.
Mam & dad were both in their 80’s, got to the point dad wasn’t coping with looking after mam. She went to a home, turned out to be the best decision we made.

Good luck, feel free to ask me anything