I’m sharing care of my old mum with my brother. I work full time, have a difficult teenage daughter and we all live together since last year. I gave up my flat to help my brother care for mum. I’m a diagnosed autistic and my brother is undiagnosed. We have other siblings who cannot help regularly but who do what they can. It’s a bit of a nightmare. Brother was refused carers allowance and has no income. I do what I can with my wages. My mother is getting increasingly demanding due to anxiety and probably depression. She will not seek help. Her age I suspect. She’s gone off most food so mealtimes are awful. She has some attention seeking behaviours which are quite hard to put up with but we stay quiet as she is obviously unhappy. But so is everyone in the house! This doesn’t help my daughter and I’m aware of my conflicts. Just need a wailing wall and benefit of others experience!!

How old is mum, brother, you?
When did you last have a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
Why was brothers CA application rejected?

Mum is 86, brother 57. They rejected carers allowance as mum was ‘too able’ . Think it’s worth trying again?

Attendance Allowance for mother would be the gateway for any claim for Carers Allowance.

Attendance Allowance: Overview - GOV.UK

Under the radar of the local branch of AGE UK ?


( They will provide assist with all claims for AA. )

If not , highly recommended.

Needs and Carer Assessments … through your LA ?

Getting a social care needs assessment - NHS

Carer's Assessment - Advice and help for Carers | Age UK

Housing ?

Any problems …or potential ones if renting … especially as social tenants ???

Help … in many forms … IS out there.

Trouble is , it won’t find you !

Mum was probably always eligible for Attendance Allowance, but you didn’t put enough information on the form and it was turned down. An appeal with help from the CAB or a benefit advice service would probably have been able to sort this out a long time ago.
Ring up the Attendance Allowance Unit and ask them to send a claim form - as long as it’s returned by the date they give, it will be backdated to the day you ring up.
Does mum manage her own benefits, or do you or your brother have Power of Attorney or act as her DWP Appointee?
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings (the point at which your mum would get help towards the cost of her care.

Next step is to ask Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for mum, and a Carers Assessment for you and your brother, to see what help they can offer you.

Emma, does mum own her home, or rent it from the council or a housing association or similar?
What attention seeking behaviours does she have?

Bit tricky as mum owns her own home. And she is apparently well off. I don’t know anything about her finances though. My eldest brother looks after all that side of stuff. It’s just that my brother who does the caring is also on autism spectrum (as am I) so we pretty bad at managing forms and conducting that kind of self management!

She has an exaggerated cough to get attention. And she moans and groans if having to walk anywhere. But if she thinks we are all asleep she nips about without any fuss! She has developed a form of selective amnesia and tries to make us think she has dementia. If my brother goes out of an evening she starts crying for him at about ten pm. The guy can’t even enjoy time away! So many trying behaviours!!

Hey Emma

Get in touch with your local Age UK. They helped us resubmit the Attendance Allowance form and we were successful. Someone came to the house. Could your eldest brother who helps with finance maybe look at this for you if forms are a struggle? if you and your brother are doing the day to day care it seems fair that he takes on the admin perhaps?

Attendance Allowance isn’t means tested, so doesn’t matter if Mum has savings or owns the house.

“Mum is apparently well off…”

My alarm bells are ringing. If you don’t really know anything about your mum’s finances, then it’s time you found out!! There have been too many problems in the past with one member of the family controlling all the money, letting other relatives do all the caring, whilst the other is being dishonest. Someone close to me was diddled badly by scheming relatives, that’s all I’m saying.

Does the brother have formal Power of Attorney? That doesn’t mean he can do what he likes with her money, but can only spend it in her best interest.

Thanks guys. I will look into it all. Money is always a family buster so I stay away from it. The only thing I asked is that the house gets left to brother who does the caring.

Don’t let brother get away with that one.
You must bite the bullet and have a row if necessary, so that you share information.