I’m new to Carers UK. I’ve only been caring for my 95 year old mother for 6 weeks and I’m struggling… can anyone offer me advice…
Debby, what help does mum need? Or is it easier to ask what she can do for herself now?
Does she have physical disabilities, or mental issues?
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Do you have power of Attorney?
Hi Debby,
welcome to the forum.
Perhaps you could tell us a little more about your Mum and your caring situation.
Melly1
Sorry it’s taken a while to reply. Being new to caring and learning to use a new site Is difficult for me.
In answer to questions, mum is recently receiving attendance allowance, my brother and I have p.o.a.
Advice required on my mother switching off when we are in need of a serious conversation. She is a lovely frail lady, with mobility problems is aware of everything. I feel very lonely as my 5 siblings are getting on with their lives and congratulating me for taken care of her. Which I hate. My 2 brothers would like to see her in a residential home, not my mothers wishes at all, 1 sister says she’s too poorly to care for her but would if she could, another sister says she has no room at the inn and my other sister has severe learning disabilities, so she’s fine. No one will visit her even now (Covid 19 restrictions sort of lifted) to sit in the garden with her. They do live 70 miles from me but I would visit them to see my mum. At the end of the day I was the most unfavourite child she had, yet I’m the one she now relies on and lives with. My husband has excepted her with open arms. I feel torn between the 2 and trying to share myself. Help I’m doing my best.
Sorry for the ramblings.
Debby
Hi Debby,
You CANNOT be forced to care. From what you say, mum is very frail, and you are doing everything for her?
It doesn’t have to be like this, but in order to get help you first need to think about taking a step back.
Think about what would help you most, what YOU want.
Here are a few ideas, a dishwasher and washing machine, guaranteed time off, a walk in shower, carers to help mum wash and dress in the morning, more help with cleaning.
If you could choose anything you liked, what 3 things would be at the top of your list?
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings? This is usually the cut off for Social Services help.
You say you have been caring for mum for six weeks now. Where was she living beforehand? Could she go back there if she had much more help? What happened 6 weeks ago???
Sorry about that. Not good with technology.
I’ve been caring for my mother since she came out of hospital at the beginning of January 2020 1st at her home for a month. She then moved to my home in February as I wanted to return to my family, mainly the Grand children and my dogs. I said a maximum 3 months, then covid 19. She decided I was caring for her a lot better then care agencies and wanted to stay with me. I’m happy if she is. The thing I would like is my siblings to visit her for a couple of hours now and again so I can go out for a long walk with my husband and dogs. A walk of 15 miles plus was not usual for us, we love walking.
Please understand I’m useless at technology so apologies for any errors.
Take care and keep safe.
Debby
Oh, just wondering, are home/family Carers allowed to go into supermarkets when the NHS employees use them. Do we need to take anything to prove we are caring for someone?
What was mum in hospital for?
How much care does she need?
Does she have over £23,000? (Yes/No)
Is she receiving Attendance Allowance?
There are various ways you can get help and support, but it really depends on your answers.
Mum was admitted to hospital at the beginning of November due to an unknown virus. She was discharged in January where I started caring for her. She has more than 23k and is getting attendance allowance. I assist with all personal care, meals, shopping, phone calls etc. I have spoken with several care advisers, who have been brilliant. My problem is me getting tired and worn out and I think needing a rant from time to time.
Sorry for wasting your time.
Off to clap for the Carers etc
Debby, on the forum we never feel carers, ex carers are wasting time! You can rant and let off steam as much as you want, without being judged. I have loads!
Debby
Caring is tough…its exhausting, and sometimes we just need a break.
You need to get a little bit of time for yourself each day…time for a solo walk, a read, meditate or listen to music.
You need to be able to do this to keep going.
I notice a difference in the way I feel depending on how overloaded I feel on a particular day.
The days that are the best are the ones I manage to work little breaks in.
Take some time for you.
YOU MATTER
You are IMPORTANT
Thank you for your kind words. I went to clap for The NHS last night, yes I was the only one haha. Didn’t know it had finished. My daughter and neighbour thought it was funny and yes I had a giggle. 
Thank you. I’m not good at this.
I clapped for the NHS alone last night, didn’t know it had finished. I was looking up and down the road, is it Thursday umm! What an idiot I felt but it made me giggle.
Debby,
From what you say, you want to look after mum in your home yourself but want a break from time to time. Is that correct?
If so, I would call a family meeting (phone, zoom, whatever) and tell your siblings exactly what you would like. They may well let you down or not agree but what is to lose? This forum is unfortunately littered with people who have unreliable / disinterested relatives.
Other than that, would mum agree to go to a club one day per week to give you a break? Or, dependent on finances, you can either contact Social Services for a care assessment which will involve a full financial assessment to see who pays for care, or hire carers yourself if mum’s savings are too great to qualify.
It is a complex subject but if you want carers, or support, a Social Services assessment would be the first call.
Good luck, oh and from what I can see, you are doing pretty well with technology!
Anne
If mum has over £23,000, then it is important that she helps you financially to arrange appropriate support.
IF you want her to stay with you, and you are certain you are OK with this (bearing in mind she is going to get more and more frail until she dies) then you need to decide what you want to help you help her. A complete day off a week would be a good idea, so that you can take the dogs for a walk and have some real quality time. Also consider regular respite care, so you can go on holiday.
So many people react in an emergency, and then regret it forever. Only you can decide whether it is better for YOU for mum to be in her own home, or move to some form of sheltered housing, or a care home. You must think of yourself as well as mum.
Thank you all for your kind words, I’ve taken everything onboard. Spoken with mum about the situation today and now she is feeling poorly. More guilt for me, hey ho. Will speak with her again when she’s feeling better. She is a lovely lady just likes her own way. Don’t we all.
Was she poorly before you discussed it, or afterwards???
There is a phrase I don’t like, “Elderly Toddler” but I’m afraid sometimes it applies, when people don’t get their own way. I understand that they are worried about how they will cope etc. but they lose the ability to see how others are struggling to cope with helping them. This is a recognised characteristic of the elderly I’m afraid.
Even when I was newly widowed at 54, she still moaned that dad died when he was “just” 78!
I was very severe when she said that, telling her NEVER to ever say that to me again!! But it’s the perfect example. I know mum loved me, but sometimes she had a funny way of showing it.
On another occasion, having had a “guts out” operation just a week earlier, I was summoned to her house (husband drove) to sort out her front door key, as the carers couldn’t get in. I went to see her in her bedroom, and said I needed to sit down. “What’s the matter dear?” she asked, when I’d just had major surgery!!!
She is always a little poorly due to her age, a grand age of 96. I can’t see me making that. Elderly toddler, yes I can see that. She a lot better now as the days progressed. Bed time at 20:00 then hubby and I can watch a film.
You sound like you have been through the wars a bit.
I’m always on the side of carers. I ended up with a life threatening illness, the consultant told me 25 years without a holiday hasn’t done you any favours" and soon after my husband died of a massive heart attack. It’s really important that we recognise when enough is enough.
I hadn’t realised mum was 96! No wonder she is frail. Realistically she is nearing the end of her life, so why not spend her money making sure she is getting all the support she needs as long as possible at your place? Consider hiring a nurse for some skilled personal care when it’s most convenient for you, and then use that time for time off? Just a suggestion. The more help you have the longer you can care for her, but don’t make promises you can’t keep. The time may come when she needs 24/7 care.
Sadly, in the end my mum was so frail she spent the last year of her life in nursing care. Not what either of us wanted, but what she needed. After getting sepsis, she couldn’t walk and had many other issues. It is very sad watching a once fit and well parent slowly losing their health and fitness, paying the price for a very long life. You ARE there for mum, she is lucky to have such a kind daughter.