New membeer (2)

Hi there,
I joined today. I am a techno-phobe so not sure if I can navigate around the site, but I will try.
I am on furlough from work but it has allowed me to spend more time with Mum and Dad and it has been an eye-opener. Mum is 95 and almost immobile, Dad is looking after her as best he can, but he has his own health problems and is trying to do much more than he can/should.
I have decided not to go back to work and care for them instead.
I have tried to get NHS care but theydon’t want ‘strangers’ in the house doing things they feel they should be doing themselves. My Dad says it is his job, but I can see him struggling.
Time for me to step in and help more.

It seems that for me to get a Carers Allowance they need to be in receipt of a benefit which they are not, so I am being sent application forms for Attendance Allowance.
Any suggestions/advice?

Welcome to the forum.
They should have had Attendance Allowance years ago! Get the forms completed and returned asap.
The more help they get, the longer they can stay in their own home, but do NOT make any promises about “never put you in a home”.

It would help to have a bit more information to give you best advice. Sorry, questions are the quickest way, don’t answer any you don’t want to, but there is a purpose behind each of them.

Mum is seriously disabled. Does she have a hospital bed to make caring for her easier?
Has an occupational therapist ever visited to talk about ways to make caring easier?

Do they own or rent their home?
How old are you?
Do you have a home of your own?
Do they have over £46,000 in savings? (the limit for Social Services care). Just Yes or No for an answer.
Do you have any brothers or sisters? Power of Attorney?
The line “I don’t want anyone else in the house” is so common, but they have to accept that they can only manage now with a lot of care.
All four of our parents lived through the 2nd WW, the “I can manage” principle was common, even when they clearly couldn’t!
It’s not up to them to tell you what to do, but you choose what you do, or don’t do. Then arrange for additional help as required. My own mum was adamant she didn’t want any strangers, but once she was left with no other option, when I was having cancer surgery, she finally accepted help.

Once she got used to the carers, she enjoyed hearing about their lives and their children, welcome female company.

It wouldn’t be unreasonable to use their AA to hire someone to do basic cleaning and meal preparation, you are their son, not their slave. If she came twice a week, initially working under your guidance, you could gradually pop out for longer and longer periods, knowing they are safe.

Do they both have Lifeline pendants to call for help?
An accessible bathroom?
Do they have an easy to maintain garden, and a gardener?

Finally, last but not least, has her doctor ever mentioned NHS Continuing Healthcare to you?

Wow! Lots of questions but I appreciate your interest.Thank you.
I am 58. Yes. today I have realised that they should have had AA years ago when Mum broke her hip.
They do not have big savings (they are Christians and give a lot of money to charities)
My brother and sister are not available to help.
I can. I live nearby.
I telephoned their GP a few months ago and they received a visit and Mum was angry with me. She told them they are fine and don’t need help!! Being on furlough I have seen it first-hand. They are NOT fine. They cannot even change the TV channel despite me showing them dozens of times. etc etc
It is dreadful to see them crying about simple things that they cannot do.
I can survive on a small allowance-money is not an issue.
My Dad was/is doing everything but he has now broken a vertebrae in his back and he is becoming increasingly forgetful.
Thanks again for your contact and your advice.

They have none of the things you mention, but again they are fiercely independent. Of course they welcome my help, although even then they are reluctant to ask me!

Dad can walk uncomfortably, and the doctor has said there is nothing they can do and it should heal itself in time.

As they have limited savings, they should have a Needs Assessment from Social Services.
As you don’t live with them, then SSD can pay you for the care you provide, through “Direct Payments”.
Do they not realise how much help they need, or not want to admit they need it?