I’m new on here, it’s the first time Iv ever been on & read some of the posts that I couldn’t believe how much resembled myself. I live with my mum and daughter. My. Mum is 86 with Alzheimer’s dementia and very bad tempered, slamming doors, head strong and refusing to admit she needs any kind of help when she is also blind in one eye and partially deaf to. I am 50. My daughter is 23 and training to be a teacher. I suffer with depression and anxiety and also get walked on a lot by my 2 older sisters: 1 lives across the road with her husband and son happily - popping in about 2-3 times a week (about one hourly visits) and sees only the best side of our mum. She doesn’t see her bad temper and abuse etc the other sister doesn’t bother with us at all and lives 5 mins away with her lovely family: her and her husband want this house when my mum passes. My mum owns it. The house will be left to us 3 sisters equally and I don’t care about the money etc but that this sister can’t seem to wait for our mum to pass over, which upsets my mum to. You know, she is expecting her first grandchild (my sister) and makes it obvious life moves on and there is no time for mum now. As if I didn’t have enough to do - the 2 sisters slag me off constantly telling people I’m not mums carer but that my mum is helping me instead my putting a roof over my head. They will not let people know the truth that I do everything for mum and they get on with their lives and say how expensive a care home would be… but don’t thank me - in fact they really give me a hard time and we don’t speak. I do not claim carers allowance and I get nothing from anyone. My daughter gets carers allowance because she just got a car and can sometimes take mum to the shops but she works and it is me at home all day 24/7 doing all the usual as well as putting up with the wierd ways they have when they have dementia (like hiding things and accusing you etc, wondering in the night). I feel very alone. I’m so worried about my daughters health because my mum is just so abusive and hard to live with. I resent that my sisters get a different mother to me - phone calls from the oldest sister (who lives 10 mins away but never visits cos “she works”) and my mum is nice to them both. She is all there - knows who we all are and our names. It’s like living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie, I don’t tell anyone at all either.
Hi English rose. My mum does not have tantrums but some of the behaviours ….if I don’t laugh I’ll go crazy lol. I am constantly playing the hunt the cat, purse, keys you name it I’m hunting for it. Mum love her heart trying to be helpful puts things away in some cases never to be seen again. For three days I have been looking for my dads underpants only her and god knows where she has put them. I’m an only child we have a large family but moved away from them as they caused more harm than good . My dad would get told he was lazy and if he tried he would be able to walk ( advanced Parkinsons) mum kept getting upset by the comments that she was crazy ( dementia) . So I know how bloody nasty family can be I’m so sorry you are going through this. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you it does help to know you are not alone.
Hi English Rose. Isn’t it time you took a holiday?
Then the rest of them could realise just what your life is like?!
Is she getting Attendance Allowance?
Welcome to the forum!
You’re not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. It must be very difficult for you especially with the lack of support and empathy from your siblings. Please know that the Carers UK forum is a safe place for you to talk to other carers and seek out advice.
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Hi Bowlingbun, I have not had a holiday in years and Iv never even been on a plane in my life! No she doesn’t get attendance allowance because she gets DLA. Thank you for replying.
Thank you Lucy, I have emailed you for help.
Thank you Joanna, yes I know what you mean completely! It feels like as the carer - only we understand them best and that “the helicopters” (family who visit on the odd occasion) do not know them like we do, can upset them and it can be stressful. And we carry this burden on our shoulders alone. I love my mum like you love yours and I would rather I look after her then her be in a care home which is something she is terrified of and would never consider. But I worry about when she goes worse… it’s mild Alzheimer’s dementia for now but nobody ever assessed her anyway and when we were in lockdown - talk about being cut off and forgotten! Nobody wants to help (gp and her dementia doctor - they tell me to ask the other for help when I call) I do everything: chase these people, fight for her medication (mild sleeping tablets for one - that my mum loves and takes one every other night and she finally can get some sleep though the gp said temporary only) my family have no idea of the half of what we do as carers.
Have you had a Social Services Carers Assessment in the last year?
You have a right to a life of your own, while you keep caring for mum no one else will, because they are incredibly selfish.
Decide when you are going away, and tell them, and Social Services, that it is “non negotiable”.
Either someone moves in with mum, or she moves into respite care.
Otherwise, your role is nothing more than slave. You deserve better.
The first time I went away, it was just 40 miles away, to an area I drove round but had never explored.
Peace, time to sleep, time to think. I’d survived major surgery, the death of my husband, and a head on smash that meant I couldn’t walk for, couldn’t even drive far, everyone wanted me to do things for them.
There was a play in the 70’s called “Stop the World I want to get off”. I know that feeling.
hen I go away now, only my eldest son knows how to contact me. The World has to manage without me!
Bowlingbun, you have suffered such a lot, I’m so sorry. When I mentioned to my mum about me maybe going on a little holiday her face lit up and she said she would come to. I was taken aback. So not had a social care assessment, I’m so scared of all that to be honest, and so is my mum. I’m ashamed to admit it but I’m also scared of my 2 older sisters - the ones who do nothing. Because they want a nice simple life with no burdens and for me to be quiet and get on with looking after mum. They kind of bully me.
What do they do to “bully” you?
Yes you need to take a break. Then everything will be fine for you and all problems you describe are common problems just you need to take a break.