New to Careing, finding it stressful - saying Hello as well

New to Carers Connect
1

Hello All
Just saying Hello to All.

Ok have become a carer, have been caring for my dad for the last 8 months as he broke his leg, but that has been reasonably easy to deal with.

My Mum has been ill and been to various hospitals since January.

Mum has been discharged back to house.

She refused to engage with discharge to asessement, this has made it pretty difficult for myself and to a degree my dad.

Mum is very frail as well and suffering from low blood pressure.

Mum is very strongly opinionated, private person and hates strangers in the house.

She does not drink enough (even though we encourage her to drink all day), she is relunctant to eat food and also relunctant to take her medication at the correct time.

I am also getting concerned about cleaning teeth and other ablutions, trying to discuss this ends up in a very stubborn refusal.

It does not help that I have a medical condition that flares up when stressed (nerve damage in abdomen), so the last 2 weeks have been a lot of pain on myself as well.

My sister has been great but she has her own family and job so cannot always come over.

I am getting worried for my mums health and my dads health which is causing a vicious cycle of stress for myself which is causing pain for myself

2

It sounds like mum wears the trousers in your family? Does dad never take control?
How old are you parents? You?
Do they own or rent the house?
Do you know exactly what is wrong with mum?
Are they claiming all the benefits which they are entitled to?
Do they have over £46,000 in savings?
Did you know mum was entitled to 6 weeks free care after discharge?
Or did she tell them you would do it all???

3

Tell us more

4

Hi Darren

You have got your hands full.

Have you had care needs assessments done for your parents and a carers needs assessment done for yourself? Even if your mother rejects having an assessment get them round for you and and your father and then see if you can get your mother done too. If they’ve had them, get in contact regarding the welfare/safeguarding of your mum due to her change since hospital, also her GP if not already.

I appreciate it will be more difficult with your mum being very private and not liking strangers.
But they are only strangers the first time or two and then they are visitors.

Your mothers issues for drinking and eating could be any of a number of issues, which she may or may not allow you and/or the doctor to know.

There could be all manner of reasons regarding eating and drinking - medical or neurological that are causing this or mechanical regarding the swallowing mechanism or rheumatism. However, if oral hygiene and personal ablutions are an issue it could be a neurological issue, I am not qualified to say and no experience of the latter either but I would say this is not your battle, this is for the professionals to diagnose and suggest solutions.

See if you can be creative and try different fluids and giving jelly, or a glass of milk, or some tinned mandarins to give more fluids, or soup for lunch. One of the GPs said that if I am giving my mother drinks and reminding her then I am doing all I can and it is her choice as she has full faculties to make those choices.

Not easy.

5

Ok I will answer as best as I can.

The House is my mums.
My Dad is great but also has health issues (have not put on here exactly what they are), he is more of a passive person but does help a lot with mum as well.

My Mum is in lateish 70’s, my Dad is past mid 80’s
Myself am 50

The GP has been around a couple of times as low blood pressure is an issue, also he did a medicine review.

We have a district nurse coming in once a week to check on obs, again the low blood pressure is a worry.

Did not know about the six weeks free care or anything about that, all we knew about was the discharge to access.

I am considering the carers assessment, just trying to find more information.

6

Two ageing parents is a lot to manage. At one point all four of ours were entitled to highest LDA, one too stubborn to claim. Grrr!

Try to avoid being Superman doing everything all the time.
You have to have time off, and that may be difficult for them to accept, but without you there would probably be no option but to sell the house and move into residential care! It’s in their interests for you to keep fit and well, both physically and mentally.
Are they both now claiming Attendance Allowance, and you, Carers Allowance?

7

I live in the house as well, have been for a while now.
I am classed as long term sick as well.
I stress out too much.

I do not know my parents financials.

8

Hi Darren,

welcome to the forum.

there is information about carer’s assessments here`; https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment

Melly1

9

Darren, if your parents need your help, they are very likely to be entitled to Attendance Allowance, which is NOT means tested. If either of them are entitled to this, you would qualify for Carers Allowance. If they have more under about £46,000 they would be entitled to subsidised care.
Do they give you anything for the support you give?
They are now very elderly, when one of them dies, there will be a funeral to arrange which will need to be paid for. At least check that all there financial papers are kept in one place, ideally sit down with dad and write everything down with him.
My mum buried her head in the sand. After dad died of cancer she knew absolutely nothing about their financial situation until her debit card stopped working. Then I discovered an awful mess. Don’t let this happen to you.

10

Thanks for the link.

11

Thanks.
None of my parents are classed as disabled or mentally disabled, so not sure about the attendence allowence.

My dad does help with paying for shopping etc when I go out and get it.

I think I will need to talk to my dad about the finances for when anything bad might happen.

I do know he is very good at keeping paperwork neat and tidy.

12

Darren,
another link for you - about Attendance Allowance https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/financial-support/help-with-benefits/attendance-allowance

Melly1

13

How are you defining “disabled”?
It does not just mean in a wheelchair, but people who need help to live a normal life. Dressing, cooking, washing, shopping. The 35 hours for Carers Allowance includes being available when needed.
If you think about what you are doing in a week, it should help work this out.

14

Hello and welcome.

15

Ok sorry for not replying earlier.
My mum has not been diagnosed as disabled by medical professionals.

16

Darren
I don’t think I have anything to add to what has already been said about the present situation regarding care other than do get the needs assessments done for you all.
My understanding is that you can only get carers allowance if your parent(s) get attendance allowance and it is tax deductible and you are only allowed to earn £x in wages to receive it.

You stated your father is good at the finances and paperwork.

If he is approachable for discussions about future proofing and you can have the conversations with him, it is important to talk about POA - Power of Attorney, especially for your mother.
I am concerned about your mother being difficult and not caring about her personal care, it might be just her nature but if it is signs of the onset of dementia, you need to have a serious talk with your father about POA and future proofing.

POA is in two formats per person and future proof the handling of their affairs if they lose their faculties and ability to make their own decisions. If they lose the capacity to act for themselves it is too lat and the authorities act for them, regardless of kin status eg husband, wife, son, the authorities take over and you have no say.

POA - finance -
can act on their behalf if unable to get to the bank etc or deal with utility companies on the phone.
Act in their best interests if they lose capacity to act for themselves.

POA - health and welfare-
Act in their best interests if they lose capacity to act for themselves.

It can be done direct on the Gov.uk website
There is a box to inform anyone of this happening, tick no because it isn’t necessary and makes it take longer.
Where it asks if acting jointly or separately, tick separately eg if it is you and your dad for your mum, if your dad dies then you will need to get a new one for finance because that one will be void.
there is a sliding scale for costs depending in income and the charge is per POA appointed so your parents could save costs having just you as POA and not you and dad for mum and you and mum for dad.
It might seem like an expense but if you have the finances to do it, it is a big peace of mind and saves a lot of distress and palava in the future. Pay for a copy of each one too.
Remember to get them registered when they come through.
It can take 4-6 months for them, post covid it might take longer.

I have future proofed with my mother and we both have peace of mind that all is sorted.
a letter to the GP giving me permission to discuss her health with them and act on her behalf.
POA forms
Prepaid funeral plan/service
Revised will
DNAR
Advance care plan (end of life) not needed yet but it’s done.

All done before they need to be done/too emotional or it is too late.