Struggling with emotional abuse

Hi all, new here but hoping for some support/ advice.

Ive been a carer for the last 16 years (I’m now 25) and I can’t deal anymore woth the emotional abuse. My gran constanlty talks about how pathetic and useless myself and my brother are. How we don’t care about her bevause we both have jobs and should quit them to stay at home. How i’m enagaged (my fiance lives 6 doors away and I live with my gran to care for her). She constantly blames me for everything, how shes feeling, if the shows she doesnt like are on, if she doesnt like the dinner I gave her that she asked for.

I could put up with it but its really badly affecting my brother and when I told her she needs to stop putting him down- she goes on about how it is my fault he’s miserable and I put all these ideas in his head to make him hate her.

Our family doesn’t help look after her and doesn’t believe when we say she is horrible to us.

She now threatens to call the police if we don’t come straight back after work or if my brother goes out with friends and even threatens to contact docial services to say we abuse her.

I don’t know anyone else who is a carer so I don’t know if this is the kind of behaviour other carers have to deal with but it is getting too much. She will not accept external help either.

Hi @CiHop welcome to the forum, you are not the only person who get abuse from a family member for trying to do your job as a carers. Big hug to you. Look, I would speak to your GP for a start and maybe your brother as well to get some help and something for your health. Is there a social worker for your gran? Is there any other family members able to help support you and your brother?
If not speak to safeguarding team and try to see if they can arrange something for you and your brother. If they tell you speak to social services then do but make sure you make it clear that your gran is emotionally blackmailing the both of you, you want something done as you don’t feel like you can care for her anymore as the environment is toxic and how it is effecting the pair of you.

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Welcome Cichip

I am Ula my partner and I care for our adult daughter with long term mental health issues.

You and your brother are having your own mental health put at risk by your grans behaviour.
It could be your gran is mentally unwell herself but you are your brother need help to stop the abuse.
I am worried for you both.
Please call for help as Michael suggests as a matter of urgency.
Check out whether you or your brother have depression and check out neither of you feel desperate or self critical feelings. You have been under pressure and abuse and this is wrong and terribly sad.

So glad you reached out to us here
Warmly Ula

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Oh sorry Cihop is your forum name, apologies my dyslexia.

Welcome from me too.

I cannot really add much to what Micheal and Ula have put. I think it is worth writing to her GP sending special delivery, and outlining what you have put in your post. I agree totally it is not acceptable. Does she have a form of dementia? But you do need to get the threats of her telling people that you and your brother are abusing her on record. You have every right to a job outside the home as does your brother. I think your grandmother is very controlling and please remember that you do not have to continue to care for her.

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Hello, CiHop. Welcome to the Forum. If you look round some of the other posts you will see many more examples of carees abusing those that look after them. It is not good, but you are not the only one.

I wonder how you got into the situation where you were caring for your gran since you were nine years old. It is simply not on that someone of this age should be given this responsibility. Where are your parents in relation to this - and your aunts and uncles?

There is no law that says that you must go home straight after work, or not go out with friends. If she threatens to call the police, call her bluff. It is more likely that the police will give her a talking to for wasting police time than scour the streets looking for you. In the unlikely event that she were to summon social services, this would be a good thing - you could get something better sorted out.

Where is the money coming from? Is she receiving attendance allowance?

Talk to her doctor and ascertain the nature of her disability. It sounds like she may have a form of dementia. Also find out if the medical practice has a caring liaison officer, with whom you could discuss possible caring packages to give you a bit of respite.

You should be looking forward to a fulfilling future life with your fiancé, in a home of your own. Don’t let her get in the way of your setting this up. Tell us a bit more about the situation and we may have further ideas.

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Welcome to the forum.
I’ve been away from home for a few days.
I suggest that you go and live with your fiance. You CANNOT be forced to care. You have a right to a relationship, a happy life, and children.
Sadly, many elderly people become so self focussed they lose the ability to see how much others are doing for them. My mum did this towards the end. I would never have believed it until I experienced it. Even when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, with a disabled child and 30 tons of lorry spares to sell to bring me an income, she was “saving” jobs for me!!!
Stand up for yourself, and leave.