Hi everyone, my mum (60) and I (32) are currently caring for my grandmother who is 90 with advanced vascular dementia. We have been caring for my grandma for 12 years as her health has declined, she would be in residential or nursing care if not being cared for at home. My grandma is on the palliative care pathway and was recently allocated a CPN by our community mental health team. I myself have autism.
Unfortunately we have recently been suffering harmful and negligent treatment by extended family which I am concerned has veered into domestic abuse. I have notified the police and CPN about this, but I thought I should reach out to see if anyone has any advice or similar experiences.
Our extended family who live half a mile away has recently had a lot of police and social services involvement regarding domestic abuse. This includes my uncle being arrested recently due to serious allegations being made by his wife. Due to a history of domestic abuse we think there may be some truth in her allegations.
Since becoming aware of his family’s turbulent situation, we have agreed to babysit three of my cousins aged 5-9, with my uncle making pre-arranged plans giving the impression this would be very important. This made a change as we have rarely seen the family over the years despite their close proximity, but our main concern has been the welfare of my cousins alongside my grandma.
My uncle also promised to visit himself with adult children. Child safeguarding agreed that we would be a “safe place” for the children amidst the difficulties at home which has been mentioned in council records. My mum said it would be emotionally positive for grandma who is housebound and requires 24/7 care at home. The NHS staff have suggested she is approaching end of life and encouraged us to tell the family to spend time with her while they still can.
On several occasions however, my uncle has simply not turned up to the prearranged visits, instead taking the children to other friends or families households, taking the adult children to other places, or attending to household chores, only telling us this after we had waited in for hours and bought things for the younger children like food and colouring books. This has caused my grandma significant emotional distress and confusion in her childlike mental state, but the arranging of visits and then no showing has become a noticeably repetitive pattern of behaviour. It has come to the point where we have had to firmly stop agreeing to visits due to the risk of repeated emotional harm by this being abandoned unannounced.
We do not think this can be put down to incompetence as he and other family members are able to arrange busy schedules, holidays, business trips and social activities. We have tolerated the lack of commitment for much longer than would be normal because of my grandma’s condition and the benefit the family visits would give to her. I have witnessed it seriously affect my mum’s well-being whilst she has to attend to my grandma’s personal care, medical needs etc.
In 2018 my uncle received a police caution for violent threats towards us, and the detective said he could face prosecution if there was any further such behaviour. While the protecting vulnerable people officers and safeguarding have been involved recently, we are unsure if they are aware of the historic intervention. When I was growing up my uncle was bullying towards my mum as a single parent, so she kept him at arms length for a long time. She has attempted to make a reconnection due to my grandma’s declining health but the same pattern of behaviour has arisen. The police say it is difficult to prove coercive control, but it seems like a manipulative and underhanded way of causing emotional harm.
It has left us feeling that we have been treated in a cruel and degrading way as a vulnerable household, which is upsetting for all of us. It has left us feeling depressed at times that the unpaid caring role has been manipulated, and devastated for my grandma as she was left feeling unwanted. With being autistic the the uncertainty makes me anxious and unsettled.
When another relative was in nursing care with dementia following a stroke the same family members visited them daily, so ignorance cannot explain the selfish and spiteful behaviour.