Abuse from sister

Carers' health and wellbeing
1

Hi again,

So I am having trouble once again with my sister who is saying and telling my mums friends that I am abusing my mum and depriving her off all her basic things and controlling who she speaks to. She’s also accusing me of beating her, and she doesn’t want my mum to talk to me anymore. Mums friends are concerned about her because of all the things I am apparently doing. I haven’t done anything she’s just very manipulative.

I am also trying to get mum to move based on her mental health and physical needs. I have been onto the social worker twice a week for the past few weeks, she says I am really good to mum, and sometimes too good. I really get on with mums social worker.

“We and you have done all you can for now. I hope my daughter fights for me like you do for your mum, if I become vulnerable.”

(These are actual works from the social worker)

However, my sister is telling my mum that I aren’t really doing anything, and its all lies to trap and abuse her. I have chains upon chains of emails, and records of phone calls with mums social worker. My sister doesn’t even know the social workers name.

This is how bad it is getting. I was having a conversation with my mum relating to a little homemade hunters chicken pie I had bought from a new pie shop near work. I really enjoyed it and I told my mum that I would get her one or one similar. She wasn’t sure what hunter’s chicken was so I told her, as I know she will like it. She was really keen to try it because she loves BBQ chicken. Mum must have mentioned that she was happy to try this pie, and next thing I know I am forcing my mum and controlling what she eats. Mum was crying saying that she never said such things and it was my sister doing it.

This started because my sister visited without my knowledge the other week. She told mum not to tell me she was coming. I normally pick mum up from the pub on a Saturday night as its only a few mins away this is just normal routine for me. I went to pick my mum up and saw that she was crying, she said she just wanted to go to bed. I told her to get in the car, and my sister kicked off because she wanted to stay out, but wanted my mum to give her the keys for the flat so she could come home with a guy later. I told her that shes either coming now, or she finds somewhere else to stay.

She got in the car, and was texting away. I got mum home and helped her into bed, I got her a glass of water. My sister on the other hand hid away but we could hear her laughing and joking on the phone, she comes out the room acting all nervous, and starts saying how she cant cope with it all. I was just sat with mum just telling her it was okay. My sister said I was being horrible, and that she was leaving. I just let her, she looked like a person who had plans. When she left mum was saying how horrible she was to her all night leading her to be upset.

A few days later I found out she did it again and said she was coming to see my mum and she told her not to tell me. Mum told me and she said my sister wanted to bring this guy she had just met to her flat. Mum told her no, and my sister is saying all these nasty things such as saying I am abusing her from speaking to anyone.

My sister has a history of meeting random people in bars and off the streets, or on apps. Her ‘dates’ have tried to steal from her before. My sister loves attention from anyone .

I just dont know how to deal with this.

2

Hi @Coolcar98, I would suggest that the social worker should step in and I know that they don’t like to get into domestic arguments but as it also involves your mum then she needs to protect her. I would also suggest that you tell your sister to stay clear or you will have a court order put on her and the same goes for anyone else who just wants to make trouble than help.

3

Hello, Coolcar98. A difficult situation, this, and I don’t envy you. I have also read your earlier post. Your sister’s behaviour is appalling. It sounds as though she rarely visits Mum, except to use her home as temporary overnight accommodation. I think that you would not want your sister to assist in caring because she would create mahem.

I think you need some counselling. Citizens’ Advice or the Carers UK helpline could help to point you in the right direction.

If you feel you need to resort to legal action, then speak to a good lawyer next. But don’t expect this to be easy. You will effectively be trying to keep your sister from her own mother.

4

I’m wondering if your sister’s behaviour is going to threaten mum’s tenancy?

5

@bowlingbun yep, basically mum has to respect other residents in the place. Some of the residents in the place are quick to telltale all the time too, and like to report each other. This is one of the reasons why we are trying to move mum amongst other things as rumour is really hurting mum.

Its also a controlled access flat, so mum would have to let my sister in when she rolls in. For someone with mums needs she shouldn’t be expected to stay up till early hours of the morning waiting for her when she has issues with mental health and she needs more sleep because of her physical condition. My sisters response is to give her the keys. No chance, and it would be in breach of the tenancy agreement if any of her druggie mates did anything which we know is a possibility.

My sister has been told that shes allowed to come to the flat just as long as if she does go out she is back at a reasonable time, and she does not have her friends near the complex. Reasonable things if you ask me, but not according to my sister this is abuse, and its my way of controlling who mum speaks to.

I am concerned that my sister will bring her mates, and then someone does something that gets mum in serious bother and evicted as mum is responsible for guests in her flat. As I say she has brought dubious people to her previous house before who was demanding to know where she kept her keys, and offered to take and repair her mobility scooter. My sister met him as he was begging on the street, he told her she looked pretty so she laps it up. Even when she was told about him, she said that he wouldn’t do that. I was there when he said it, and was told to leave.

She says this another way I control mum by not letting her speak to anyone. Mum has lots of nice friends and she makes friends so easily. Mum has her best friend from childhood stay for a day every couple of weeks, they go out for coffee and mum cooks them a meal. Sister thinks this person is no good for mum too.

Mum is not deprived of anything, sometimes its a struggle but she always has food in the fridge and the heating is provided in the flat. She has a bus pass to travel anywhere around the region. Shes not rich, and certain things could do with being replaced within the 6 months, but shes not deprived whatsoever. I literally got her a new TV the other week after hers suffered from backlight damage, alright it was second hand. Maybe if my sister took some responsibility for her own life, shed know that bills are hard and not everyone has money from the Government to just burn.

My sister was also giving my mum, myself and my other sister abuse. She wont stop ringing, and I mean wont stop. She’s also been sending my mum messages how “she is an unfit mother for letting me control her.” Shes saying how much she hates her, and my mum was literally sobbing.

Yes, I have told my mum to block her just for a few days as my sister needs to learn this behaviour is unacceptable. My sister says this is my doing and I’m stopping mum speak to her. Instead, she has messaged my other sister saying I called the police on her, and they have gone round to arrest her. I never called the police, I have something called a job which keeps me busy, were not even in the same county so the police must have taken time out of their very busy schedules to attend to this. However, I do feel I had every reason to ring the police if I wanted to as there is so much evidence. She is also now apparently in hospital having tried to top herself. No one believes it. She is unstable.

Were meant to believe that my sister just wanted to see my mum, and take her out for a meal and just to get some christmas presents. If this is the case why is she kicking and screaming about not being allowed to have her mates at mums home, nor allowed to return home after 11pm.

All I am doing is protecting mum because my sister will get her into bother, and if my mum is evicted she will end up in a hostel or on the streets. My sister does not care, she said so. She claims she helped mum earlier in the year, but she didnt she doesnt even visit her. Shes twisted and it hurts everyone.

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6

Mum has to abide by the rules, and so does sister, like it or not !

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