Still no support

All about caring
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Hi again.

I’m at my wits end with my mum right now. I just don’t know what to do. Right now I’m battling alot on my own, and I can’t keep up with mums needs. Yet when I ask for help I feel like I aren’t being taken seriously.

I’m currently undergoing referral for autism which is probably why I’ve struggled for so many years. I’ve started to struggle with things, even more so now that I’m starting to realise the impact this will have on my life. My own mental health is shot.

However, mums needs are getting ever more demanding. She constantly wants me to improve things for her, but is making no effort to actually do anything about things and continues to act as if she’s invincible. She spends hours on the phone talking about the same stuff over and over and over and over again, and wants me to solve it, yet there’s nothing I can do. She’s the one that has to sort herself out. Shes getting behind on bills, but there’s no money to afford them because she’s spending it at the pub “to improve her mental health.” Then I’m getting drunken calls at 11pm each night with her crying. Shes not eating “because she doesn’t feel like cooking. Nor is she buying food.” I literally cannot go food shopping with her in my car because she steals my food and stuff without me knowing just so she can save money which is then spent in the pub and on her mates. Shes getting more and more unstable.

She’s constantly coming to me asking me to help her, but I physically can’t anymore. I’m fed up of the late night phone calls describing the same things over and over and over and over and over again. It’s really getting me down.

Following some incidents at work because of this I feel like I have to try and downplay my life at the moment. I’ve called the previous social worker and sent a couple of emails explaining things, and yet I get no response.

I’ve called the carers association and the person assigned to me doesn’t seem to have any practical advice whatsoever, nor seems to want to help.

Funnily enough my friend an older woman I know through work has just become a carer for her mum, her mental health was shot. I sat and had a coffee with her, and she spoke about all the things her coordinator has done to help her. Trouble is it’s a completely different council. They’ve given her training, helped her with funds, courses, all sorts. I’ve not had a thing despite asking.

It’s affecting my health, my job, and it feels like no one cares. I don’t know how to make this any clearer. Autistic people should not be carers. Disabled people should not be carers, and yet I’ve had no acknowledgment or help based on the fact that I’m both of these things.

Mums supposed to be recieving a care coordinator from the mental health team, but 18 months on there’s still nothing. When calls were made a few months back by the carers team it was suggested that the wait wouldn’t be much longer and it was imminent, but that’s a massive lie. They haven’t made any contact whatsoever.

I can’t bear another disaster, but it sure is heading that way. I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve been to my GP and I’ve been through counselling. I had counselling but I just stopped only last week because after yet another round and 8 sessions of therapy nothing was helping. Being autistic explains why neither of these things have worked. Mindfulness doesn’t help me when I’m having a meltdown and a panic, mindfulness doesn’t pay the bills, practicing what I enjoy doesn’t either. I don’t understand why this is.

I’ve always said like if someone was punching you repeatedly, we live in a world where the person who is being punched is told “stop being dramatic.” “It doesn’t hurt that much.” “Just think positively” “it’s your fault.” even though it absolutely hurts. No one focuses on the person doing the punching as that being the problem, it never crosses people’s thoughts. This is what it’s like I feel like I’m not being listened to, and when I struggle - it’s just think positively.

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Hi @Coolcar98 ,sorry to hear things are not improving for you. I know the mental health team are crap and will leave you to do the job they are suppose to do. I am there my self at the moment and I am waiting to hear off people to help me with the support that might be needed to help me to come about. The only thing I can suggest is go and speak to either the care team or the police as they are suppose to be part of the safe guarding team and tell them what is going on and say that you can’t do any more for her one because it affecting your metnal health but it also causing issues with your job. I would not say it a lie as it the truth, I think it time that you walk away from her and put 2 fingers up in the air to those that have a go at you on her behalf and if it does get to much then take a court order out on your mum.

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Sorry to hear you’re still struggling @Coolcar98
Now that your Mum is settled in her bungalow and has (albeit not great) support from MH services, perhaps you have to take the decision to step back as her carer and force services to step up.
If her constant demands are negatively affecting your wellbeing that much, especially if it’s also impacting on your work, then you need to prioritise you, and say ‘I’m not doing it anymore.’ But you have to say it, mean it and stick to it; otherwise services will just keep letting you do more and more, because they know you will.

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@Coolcar98 Have to agree with EEG. Very hard to disengage as you are a compassionate and caring lady. I personally would write to the Social Worker and state that for your own Mental Health, you are not prepared to provide any support to your mother, or be an emergency contact. I would also send special delivery and a copy to your employers and your GP just to show them that you really Do MEAN it. It sounds tough but I had to write to my late father’s GP as I was NOT going to be bullied into caring for two vicious old men who hated each other. My husband had just been discharged from hospital and I was his carer, and yet my fathers GP and the carers the Surgery put in place expected me to go over when he would not take his tablets/eye drops/eat/ engage with the Dementia Nurse. I also phrased it along the lines I might take legal action if they did not step up as they had a ‘legal duty of care’. I found this VERY hard as an only child but a couple of close friends could see how close I was to a breakdown. My father never forgave me and died in hospital a few weeks later but I am still standing 8 years later. Not proud of what I was driven to do but not ashamed either.

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Personally I think the best solution for you is to move away and make a fresh start. Otherwise mum and the rest of your family are never EVER going to leave you in peace. They are all totally self focussed, so maybe it’s time you did the same. If I remember rightly you are a qualified journalist with an MA? You are worth so much more than this virtual prison. Don’t let them carry on depriving you of all your chances, to live, love and be happy.

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@Coolcar98 so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I have also been at the beck and call of my narcissistic Mum for years and years. I finally just stopped and said “I can’t do this anymore” - I have arthritis and fibromyalgia and my mental health has taken a hammering too. Luckily Mum’s GP supported us and we got her into care in February, but the phone calls and abuse when I visit have continued. I am having counselling to help me disengage from Mum without guilt, but it’s soooooo hard.

As others say, you HAVE to put yourself first. When you just stop and say NO MORE, the NHS have to take over. I was lucky because Mum has enough funds to pay for her care for a few years. Disengaging is the only way forward and no one would judge you for it. You are important, please know that. :people_hugging:

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It’s so difficult. All my emails to social services have gone ignored and without an answer. I haven’t been horrible to them, or said anything nasty I have just asked for help and put the cards on the table with everything explaining what mum and I are struggling with. It’s like no one cares.

I just want help. I don’t understand why no one cares.

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@Coolcar98 sorry to hear this but I think they will continue to ignore you as you are stepping up. I agree with @EEG that you need to step back. My Dad was the same with dementia with late night, early morning, middle of the night calls that just repeated everything said before. You can set the phone to not take calls during certain times, from certain numbers.
Your Mum is being selfish and you must protect yourself. Step back and be kind to yourself

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I finally got an update.

I submitted a complaint to NHS services about getting no response despite being told I would.

Funnily enough the same day I sent the complaint, I got a phone call from the mental health team saying to take mum in for yet another review.

I took her for the appointment and they seemed more concerned about the complaint. They told me “they are extremely short staffed after many people have gone off sick.” I’m sorry but I do not buy this, they have a duty of care.

I did say that it was not good enough, and they should have least had the courtesy to reply to give me even just a little bit of information.

I’d called every two weeks since the last review in December and never ever got a response from anyone ever. This is why I submitted the complaint- I just wanted an answer of where she was in the system and if there was any updates.
I

Following the review it was decided that mum needed a wide range of support. I told them sternly but calmly that I’m not going to be left in a position where because of their lack of support that I’m going to be left to struggle as I have done.

They told me she needs long term support.
What’s long term support you may ask - THREE MONTHS!

My mum has been in and out of mental health services for over 20 years. I need support to support her, and well three months is not going to cut it.

I feel like they are guilt tripping me because I made a complaint, funnily enough this is what made them respond.

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@Coolcar98 Yes it it seems too coincidental about the call from MHT happening just when you made a complaint. But well done for standing your ground with them and refusing to be brow-beaten.

Repeating (like a broken record) that you refuse to continue to be responsible for your Mum’s care because of the negative effect it’s having on your mental health, and that services have a duty of care to step up, just needs constantly reinforcing at this point. I know it’s incredibly wearing, but if you refuse to back down, they will eventually get the message.

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@Coolcar98 you must feel so frustrated. I have taken my complaint to the Ombudsman. I am not sure what it will do but it made me feel a bit better just getting it down on paper.
They will guilt trip you into it, so well done for standing your ground, although you must feel very alone in doing so.
Sending hugs, keep strong

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they just don’t care. Support is still not in place despite being told things would change in weeks.

ive just been diagnosed properly as autistic and i feel so alone there is no support because im too high functioning. For years no one has listened to me. To have to struggle alone, have services not listen to me and then to be told I’m the problem it’s too much. All I want is to be heard. I don’t want to be a carer anymore and yet I’ve fought for years over this, it’s burnt me out. I just want my dad back.

Same with these people I’m at fault because I submitted a complaint and they are not happy. They are making me feel like a truly awful person.

I’m sick of my mums emotional outbursts and her kicking off when things don’t go her way. She’s always kicking off saying I don’t care about her and that I’m forcing her to go without. we were at an event recently and I gave her £10 of my own money so she could go on raffles and stuff. Yet she was kicking off making it known to everyone at the event that I was a bad daughter and did not help her and did not care about her. She didn’t spend that money on anything but later kicked off because I wouldn’t give her anymore to buy a handbag.

It’s killing me to be like this and I can’t cope anymore. Mental health services do not give a damn. I speak to the carers support service and they do act like my demands are too high and I should just accept it and give her what she wants.

my mums also acting like an entitled little brat lately. I found out she’s been talking to someone who used to really bully me, and this person led to me trying to take my own life after my dad died. Only days after my dad died this person told me I was a bully and I deserved to die, and that I should do everyone a favour. He was calling the police on me because he didnt think I deserved to get any inheritance despite the fact that I was my dads next of kin and this guy didn’t even know my dad, yet somehow had made it seem like he was the sole person who would benefit from his will. I told my mum how much it hurt me the fact that she’s talking to this person again and the pain and suffering he caused, but she said I was not as upset as her over the loss of my dad, and that I was stopping her having friends.

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@Coolcar98 your relationship sounds really toxic and you need to get away from it as soon as you can. I hope you are keeping diary of all this, it helps to get it down and to manage your thoughts and also you can use it as evidence of your treatment and why you need to step back.
I do feel sorry for you, sad but not all mums are lovely and it can be hard for some to understand unless they have had a bad mum too.
Step back and let social services take the strain, sending hugs

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I emailed social services again, no response at all. They keep labelling me as a nuisance.

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You have done all you can, now the hard bit and step back. You can’t mend your mum so try to stop her hurting you anymore. if the bully contacts you, block them
keep strong

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