Can’t deal with mums constant need for attention

All about caring
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Hi all,

I’m back.

Lately me and mum are arguing a lot, mainly because she’s relying on me as her sole source of entertainment, and is kicking off and swearing at me when I decide to do something else or see anyone else.

I just started a new job (long story) but it’s away from my usual stomping ground.

Last night a good friend of mine was calling bingo at a village hall. I said I would go and support him. It was after work. I went down and had a laugh with him. half way through I get messages demanding that I go and pick my mum up because she’s vulnerable and doesn’t want to get the bus home. I told her I was out and she kicked off.

Again it happened today.

Now she’s angry that I don’t want to do anything on bank holiday Monday. I told her that bank holiday Monday is just full of idiots and I can’t be doing with walking around busy places, listening to screaming children, dealing with crowds. I’d rather we just do something one sat or Sunday Instead. She kicked off big time.

She has barely any friends because she just doesn’t go out. She relies on me for entertainment, but I can’t keep up with her.

I’m autistic and I don’t like spending hours in shops, being in busy places, and listening to loud music and people screaming. I’m also tired of going through the motions week in week out. She only lives for exiting and I can’t give it to her 24/7.

She also keeps asking if she can go and see my friends with me because she is lonely.

I’ve tried to support her going to clubs and taking part in things but she’s not interested unless someone goes with her. I can’t.

social services offer no support and the carers support service are useless. There’s only so many times I’ve waited weeks for a phone appointment only to be told “have you tried bringing her to the carers coffee morning” these organisations only seem to offer that.

I’m in my 20s, I work full time. I don’t wanna go to a coffee morning. Other than this they have no real offer of support.

My sister is also currently pregnant. Her and her partner came up with some baby names and my sister made the mistake of picking one and telling my mum. After some thought my sister decided it might not be the best name and now my mum is kicking off about it. My sister also said because of her behaviour she doesn’t want her in the room. Now mum sees that as an attack

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You have a RIGHT to your own life. Turn off your phone, put it on answerphone, whatever it takes. Sister got herself pregnant, from now on it’s up to her and the father to sort themselves out. I’m really pleased to hear that you have a new job, a new start. I suggest you buy a book called Starting Again, by Sarah Litvinoff. Written initially for couples separating, but equally applicable to anyone entering a new chapter of their lives. Mum is clearly jealous of your new acquaintance, gone into toddler mode!

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Quite right, the mother sounds extremely and unfairly demanding and quite impossible to deal with and help. There is only so much that can be done, and before we know it, half of our own life has gone by. Just sometimes we have put ourselves first perhaps.

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Hi. I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult with your mum.

I am part-time carer for my mum. She also doesn’t want anyone else to entertain her apart from myself, my sister-in-law and my sister. Unfortunately, I am the only support she has locally. I was running myself ragged last year trying to meet her needs. I found all sorts of things that she could do without me, and her answer was always no. Having been on a course for carers, I realised that I needed to look after myself otherwise I would run myself into the ground. Now my mantra is “I am not responsible for my mother‘s mental health”. I still try to help her but not an expense of my health and have accepted that if she won’t accept the help of others then I just need to drop it.

My advice would be look after yourself first and foremost. Good luck.

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