Letter to social services. I am in a crisis. Please read

Carers' health and wellbeing
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Hi all, I sent a letter to social services following two difficult days. I am trying to write calm but I’m in absolute fits of tears writing this. I have spoken to the out-of-hours safeguarding team too, In floods of tears. I just cried down the phone at the guy. My mum is laying into me so strong that I am broken. I just cant do this anymore.

*Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to you to express that I am deeply annoyed by the complete incompetence displayed by social workers dealing with my mums case. Her social workers and carers have completely neglected her and showed any lack of concern for her welfare causing further complications. *

*At present mum is going through another mental health episode, and before anyone asks if I have called anyone, the police have been called, ambulances, crisis teams, and the safeguarding team yet no one seems to be able to do anything nor have any calls being returned. *

*I have been deeply concerned about her behaviour for some time, and you at social services have done very little to help. In fact, none at all. I have called and called asking for advice on when she will receive help, I have called the safeguarding teams and yet nothing gets done. *

*She has faced a lot of situations with people who abused her, and now she is in a state of deteriorating mental health with no help on what to do next. It is affecting the lives of all three children, I literally found a lump on my body which has not gone away and has been there a month instead of going to a doctor and dealing with it, I have not been able to because I am dealing with this. My youngest sibling, 21, is cutting herself and harming herself all the time. *

*Mum has been the victim of abuse of five people whilst under the care of social services, two of which entered her home and abused her from within. At no point did the carers or social workers show any concern that this was happening. *

*I have called and called about why it is taking so long to get her into an assisted living facility yet there is no answer whatsoever, as for the promise of call backs there is no call backs ever. I know there is a housing crisis, but it is not an excuse to do nothing. She needs constant help from one of these facilities, and frankly a year wait is just not good enough. Yet no one cares, she needs to be considered HIGH priority as there is more to her needs than any box ticking form can ever provide. Mental health is complex and not everyone has an official diagnosis, there is clearly more going on with mum. *

  • I have done all I can to help mum and put my own health on the line for her. I now have to take 21 tablets a day for various ailments including mental health, two years ago I was considered healthy. Now I can barely function without these medications, and yet I am still expected to perform as this ‘amazing selfless carer.’ I fear for myself sometimes because I am struggling so much, yet no one cares. The only advice offered is ‘speak to a GP.’ I have been through multiple rounds of therapy which doesn’t work, and I will be on medication for a very long time now, probably indefinitely. *

Mums’ needs are so much more than I can deal with, If I could swap places with my dead father then I would to help her then I would, but everyone knows that I cant. I will forever be a failure for not being able to do so. How can I be a great carer when I can’t provide the one thing mum so desperately needs, right. Why can’t I be the perfect carer and bring my dad back from the dead because that is what we do right, we do the impossible for the people we love the most.
*I have tried so hard to help my mum, but her mental health is so fragile. I am killing every ounce of myself to care for her when I can’t. *

*If mum doesn’t get her own way, she comes down on me so hard, and makes it 10 times harder. She believes I don’t care about her and will destroy my mental health in the process. I try to do all I can for her, but it isn’t good enough. I am not good enough. *

*I have taken her out for Christmas, birthday, random meals and all sorts, four since Christmas, yet she thinks I don’t take her out enough times. I bought her everything she wanted for her birthday and yet she thought it was not good enough and threw it all away. *

*On Sunday, I tried to do my normal Sunday routine, that is going out to get my pack up bits for work for the week with my sister. In traditional weekend fashion (note the number of times I have called the safeguarding team) she had yet another fake emergency. Mum has a habit of ringing and ringing and ringing until she gets an answer off me and expects me to stop driving to answer her calls. *

*She instantly started hating on me and my sister for being out together and accusing us of abusing her. I haven’t been anywhere for so long, the only place I did go was to London for work, which work paid for, but she doesn’t believe I didn’t go with my sister. She kicks off If I don’t drive her around in the car despite the fact, I can’t afford the petrol, but she believes I do it for my sister. *

*I don’t go anywhere anymore because my mental health is so bad that at times I can’t wake up or I spend the day so tired that I struggle at work. *

*Now because of what happened, mum is telling people that me and my sister are bullies and she’s in a domestic abuse facility in Scarborough. Its not true. But this is the reality, she has so many more mental health needs, yet we are ignored by yourselves. *

*She needs to be in the assisted facility. She needs to be put on high priority. *
*I want out to attend to my own mental health because this is killing me. *
*She needs so much more than you are offering. *

Please call me as soon as possible.

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Dearest Coolcar
I am thinking off you.
If you our mother or anyone else is not safe call 999.
This letter is amazing well done for getting everything down in writing.
I hope you have somewhere safe.
Much admiration
Ula

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I just know that it will all get ignored.

I now feel very ashamed of myself. Tonight I resorted to something I very much thought was in the long past. I self harmed, this was after I spoke to the guy.

I am fine, If not slightly shaken. Right now I’m in bed trying to comprehend everything.

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Coolcar, please make an appointment at the GP and tell them how caring is affecting you and request counselling in regard to your caring situation.

If you feel like self harming again tonight or need to talk to someone please contact the Samaritans on

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Thank you. I was cut off by a phone call for the last post, but I was going to say that I have an appointment booked for tomorrow for the lump mentioned above, unfortunately I will be unable to hide the scars now. I feel terrible for doing it but I had the overwhelming urge to do it.

As I write this mum has been taken to a mental health facility, so hopefully she can get some help. Apart from that letter which has been sent I will be contacting the social care ombudsman.

I am talking to the crisis mental health team now and the woman said they are failing a duty of care by not providing her with a suitable living facility.

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Hey coolcar98, well done for writing, making a stand. If they ignore it, send it to the papers. I know it wrong but now again everyone got to make a stand.

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Yeah, I work for a newspaper as a journo myself so I know 100 percent that saying this to someone is enough to call to action even tho a journalist literally cannot do anything.

Mum has now gone to a mental health facility, but I will be playing up hell with the social worker tomorrow. As if it’s not enough of a worry to get a lump inspected. There people act like they aren’t paid enough when they are often paid £25,000 more than an actual carer gets paid.

My sister will also play up hell. The crisis worker said the social workers have a duty of care and therefore we have to fight harder to get her into the assisted living facility as they keep fobbing us off. Incidents like this will happen more and more if they don’t do anything.

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Please do not feel ashamed of anything you have done. You have done NOTHING WRONG.

You have been going through more than most people could stand and have don’t amazingly, but there comes a time when each of us reaches our limit and HAS to protect ourselves. You’ve reached that point and your letter tells Social Services that they have failed and you cannot cope any longer - WELL DONE, you should be proud of yourself.

The DO have a Duty of Care and have clearly failed in that Duty.

You need to now look after yourself. It’s good to read Mum is now being cared for properly and you need to ensure they know YOU will not be responsible for her Care IF they discharge her and therefore she will be at risk unless THEY take the appropriate action to have full care in place or provide her with Secure Accommodation where she cannot be a risk to herself.

As @Melly1 advised, PLEASE speak to someone urgently. Samaritans will listen for as long as you need and can provide support for you. Next PLEASE call your doctor and explain what has happened so you can get the support YOU need right now. All Surgeries have an Out of Hours facility, so even if you call when they are closed they will give you a number to speak to a doctor or nurse. Failing that 111 can help. If you mention self-harming to them, you WILL get priority and they can get you urgent support.

Please don’t suffer alone - there is help out there for you. You’ve been amazing and have struggled for too long and now you have opened up to us about YOUR crisis, hopefully that will make it easier to ask for the help you need to recover and rebuild.

Please keep in touch with us as many here care about you and it’s bee difficult to read your posts and feel unable to give direct help.

You are not alone.

:people_hugging: :people_hugging: :pray:t2:

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Thank you it is so difficult. I got a call from social services this morning and they are trying to get my mum on high priority for the assisted living facilities. However my other sister who doesn’t live near the area is now saying it’s a bad idea to move her into that place because she’s a prisoner.

I told her that if she wants to move back in with mum and become her carer she can be my guest, but she will loose all her benefits and what she will get is expected to go on mum.

I feel like I’m being told how to act.

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Stay strong. You really cannot keep bailing your mother out and you need to ‘step back’ and let SS deal with your mother for the immediate future. It sounds as if she needs Supported Living and help from a Mental Health Team desperately. You are still so very young and have all of your life ahead of you.

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Yeah, I am so scared. My mum is calling the police on me and threatening to get me harmed.

I feel like I am the victim. She’s kicking off when my sister owed her a small amount of money but when her friends were demanding money to buy drugs, they didn’t bat an eye lid.

This is because she wants to believe I am guilty of being guilty hence why I bought her the birthday presents. I didn’t buy them because she’s my mother, “I bought them because I’m guilty of neglect.” It’s such a twisted narrative she is playing.

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She was also threatening to tell my employer that I’m abusing her to get me fired to teach me a lesson about why I can’t abuse her.

My boss has backed me and I broke down in tear today. She’s telling people a narrative that isn’t true, and I don’t know how to defend myself.

Then again this is the woman who rang the police on my dying father who couldn’t speak because of his cancer. She accused him of neglect and he couldn’t defend himself.

Probably going to be in prison soon anyway.

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I am really sorry that you are going through this. I feel very out of my depth and can offer little advice. But in your situation I would completely withdraw any contact with your mother at least for the immediate future. You are getting drawn in again and again. Are you having counselling? Sometimes for your own sanity and mental health, you have to back away. I realise that your mother is ill but she is inflicting a huge amount of damage on YOU. Hopefully others will be able to offer more constructive advice. I think by reacting to your mother and her threats, you are giving her the attention she is craving and in a way, playing into her hands. I realise it is very easy for me to say this and very very hard for you to do but you really must disengage. This has been going on for far far to long.

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Thank you. I just do not know what to think right now.

I’ve just had word from my sister that something has happened which makes a lot of sense. I’m trying desperately to get in touch with the social worker but lo and behold the lines are very busy.

Mum has had a visit from the police and she has go to for an interview tomorrow. I don’t know what has happened, no one will say.

Someone has either made a false claim, or someone has done this because she has done something. I think it’s the latter as it would make sense to how she’s acting, she knows she has done wrong.

I am spent I really am. If she goes down I aren’t even bothered anymore, I am done. Can’t help but think that if they put her in a safe facility faster then none of this would have happened. If something has happened, I intend to sue social services. I’m not even been agressive, they have failed and yet they hide behind low pay.

I still have to do my job if I get lowly paid or not otherwise I would be fired.

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I’ve literally just screamed at social services telling them if they do not do anything this week, then I intend to sue for negligence.

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Dear @Coolcar98 Stay Strong. You are doing all the right things. You have been pushed and backed into a corner and you cannot give up now - for your own sanity. Mum has been removed for her safety and YOU do not have to care for her and it is now someone else’s problem. She can shout and make all sorts of allegations, but the more she shouts the more people will see through her fantasies.

After my Dad and I had a major fall out he was, I found out much later, telling people I had starved him when he lived with us, physically threatened him and done all sorts of things I would never have dreamed of doing. Anyone in their right mind could see it was a tissues of fantasy lies, but still some asked me outright if I had physically attacked him. My reaction was one of incredulity that these people who had known me for over forty years would believe his dementia fuelled ramblings. It was never as bad as you are going through but I can quite understand how distraught it makes you.

You have put things in writing which is exactly what you should do. Unfortunately some of these people do not listen when you tell them things dispassionately, they need to see and here the emotion which you have unleashed at them before they realise they need to act.

You say your Boss is understanding so whatever she threatens there is covered and will make no difference, other than him seeing what pressure you are under and that will ensure he understands what you are going through.

Did you manage to speak to anyone else today? Your GP or Samaritans or any helpline? I do hope you are getting more local support, I am sure I speak for all on this Forum when I say we are here for you and will do what we can to keep you strong.

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Coolcar98 it is time to step back from your mum, as the situation is getting stupid. You need a break from her and what is going on, get someone to help you like a mental health lawyer or someone for advice,but also speak on your behalf as maybe they will listen to them than just a conflict of interest between you and your mum. I know it sounds silly but you have to think outside of the box but also think a few steps ahead of them. I have done that myself just to get help for mum but also to prove to them that I you can only take so much until you have to get the bat out and come out swinging and knock back the idiots.

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Things have died down, but my mental health is in tatters at the moment. I have a constant knot in my stomach that is making it hard to eat or sleep. I haven’t really done either in days.

Things have died down with mum and we are on good terms again, but it demonstrates just how vulnerable she is right now.

I have unleashed multiple desperate pleas for her to be rushed on the assisted accomodation list. I literally just cannot wait for her to be in a safe place, then I know I can step back not out of choice but pure necessity.

I believe they are hiding behind red tape. I don’t hear anything back about her priority today but it was due to a busy day at work. I initially said that I would contact the local MP months down the line but after the events of the past few days I have done it today instead.

I do not believe what they are doing is good enough. If I don’t hear back from the extra care team by the end of the week then I will be making an official complaint to the head of social services.

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hi coolcar, I was a carer for my late Husband, for over 30 years & before that for my late Father.!! But its not easy at all. I have set up a group on here for Former carers thanks to Michael Shann, & I have joined several groups on here . with Share & Learn. If you need a listening ear i would welcome a chat. I would email your local MP . I feel so sorry for your situation . Regards Amanda

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Thank you.

I have still not heard anything, and I keep getting crap about the person behind the assistive living being very busy. I have tried twice today.

I was told off by a social worker yesterday which lead to me having a really bad panic attack yesterday evening. The social worker essentially told me to go to another housing authority for my mum even though she said “they were just as busy.” I told her she is not going into a facility full of ex-convicts and asylum seekers but they told me I was being defeatist and refusing.

I cried about both my sister and I’s disabilities and including the fact that my sister will eventually be blind. I asked tis woman if she was expected to provide care whilst blind, she ignored me.

When I asked who will pay for my mum to constantly move especially when they take every little bit of money off her, they said it was my responsibility.

Today, I have called twice trying to speak to the person in charge. She was supposed to ring me back weeks ago but she never does.

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hi where abouts are you in the uk? It is so very sad that there are many people who are struggling . It is so unfair. Thinking of you