So you all may have seen a few of my posts about my mum.
I left due to domestic violence and my mum is doing everything she can to get me back and guilt trip me into going back home. She keeps saying she doesn’t know how to shop and the food in the cupboards is going moldy. She also cannot cope and is threatening to hurt herself all the time.
I have tried to ring social services on multiple occasions now and frankly they couldn’t be anymore useless. They keep saying my mum has capacity. SHE HAS COMPLEX MENTAL HEALTH NEEDS. Even if I quit my job and left my partner and went back I would be scared if she attacks me again. She also wants someone to stay up monitoring her every night and take her on day trips everyday. I am the only family member left, there is no one else. Yet I am expected not to ever sleep, apparently that is okay.
I have tried all I can to deal with the abuse and well people could not care less. Mum’s care coordinator is absent, and well social services wont help unless she agrees. I keep hearing the word CAPACITY being used to describe my mum. It is such an insult to hear it. She does not have capacity. CAPACITY means nothing anyway, its subjective.
Now I am afraid I will be forced back and have to take every punch and deal with the violence because she cant have her own way, because I didn’t cook her certain meals, because I fell asleep. It is disgusting, yet I have done all I can. I dont want to do it anymore, but no one will listen to me. They have suggested I talk to her, yet I am no longer at the home because I refuse to be near her and another violent family member. The violent family member is also known to social services for severely abusing a disabled relative. Yet apparently it is also okay.
I don’t know what to do I have tried all I can.
You can’t do any more. She needs outside help, you cannot give it to her, she has to ask for it, and until she does, nothing will change.
You have come so far now, don’t let it all fall apart.
Then the only person who you could blame would be yourself.
Sadly, it is time to block mum’s phone number so she has to ring someone else, and cannot guilt trip you any more.
Coolcar, you have done the right thing.
As long as services are aware she is home alone and requiring support then you have done all you need to do.
Please don’t go back or you will be trapped and in danger once more. Unfortunately, people in denial like your Mum often have to hit rock bottom to accept outside help. If you keep bailing her out and taking the responsibility for her then nothing will change.
I agree with BB, block her calls. If you want to keep in touch, ring her at a time convenient to you once a week, with the phone on loud speaker and whilst you have someone with you to support you.
Melly1
Coolcar98, I can’t put this any plainer: your Mum is not your responsibility.
If she does have capacity (and I’d like to know if that has been tested - I’ll come back to that), then Social Services are right that they can’t get involved. But there are questions I’ll come back to in a minute.
You should not go back because that puts you at risk. You’re entitled to be safe.
I can’t emphasise that strongly enough. You are entitled to be safe. Your Mum has no rights over you. And Social Services know this.
Your Mum is using all sorts of techniques, mainly guilt tripping. However, if she isn’t coping, and is self-neglecting to the point where she may be doing herself harm, for example mouldy foods - then it becomes a safeguarding situation and there are responsibilities there. It’s a complex area and often avoided. Strictly speaking, social workers have to assume capacity unless questions are raised and there is a suspicion that capacity has been lost. Under the circumstances, they should probably carry out a capacity assessment.
Here’s a link to information about self-neglect: this is a training resource used by social workers… Self-neglect: At a glance | SCIE - it may help.
Here’s a link to information about mental capacity: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/365631/making_decisions-opg601.pdf
Hope this helps
Hi again,
I guess social services have been involved for a few weeks now but it’s all gone wrong. If anything it’s the care coordinators fault she’s useless and has a way of misdirecting everything. She says mum has to ask for support, but when she had she usually just says: “you’re not ready for that yet.”
They put us through family therapy after dad died because I found it even harder to cope back then. I can’t help but think that was all just a plot to get me to comply, they never wanted to listen to my needs.
That therapy ended a few weeks ago. The care coordinator also said she was considering dropping mum from her care.
There was also a safeguarding meeting made a few weeks ago about my mum and the abusive relative.
I just don’t know what to do mum clearly can’t cope and they won’t listen to me
Ok…it often feels as if social services are working against you - a lot of us have felt that way - but to be honest it’s more to do with jumping to conclusions because they’re under pressure and taking short cuts.
However, the care coordinator agreed that your mum asked for help. And refused. There are no “you’re not ready” grounds. Only “you have - or don’t have - eligibility for help.” That’s it. As your mum was told she had to ask for help, she had every right to expect something to happen - because that was what she was told, and the fact that it didn’t would make her less likely to ask in the future. Something that social services forget is that they also can be accused of neglect under safeguarding regulations. Whether that applies here is not something I’m qualified to say.
Have you been in touch with the Helpline? 0808 808 7777 - 9-6pm weekdays (even over the Bank Holiday) or email at advice@carersuk.org