constantly ignored

All about caring Young adult carers
1

Hi, so I have been on here a few times looking for advice. It’s been such a difficult time really. I’m only 24 and this is too much for me.

I have spoke about the fact that I fled the family home due to a domestic violence incident. My mum was also getting drunk and becoming dependent on alcohol to drown her sorrows. (Mainly due to the death of my father) I also had problems with my aunt (a known abuser to social services) bullying me and financially abusing me. Mum had alot of needs I could no longer help with in fact she wanted me to not sleep at all to stay up all day and night and watch her whilst she sleeps. She also wouldn’t let me go out at all because she wont be alone. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, not even to the shop around the corner. If I did I would get screaming matches about how she would threaten to hurt herself. I lost all my friends, all the places I loved to go. I could not go anymore whatsoever. I became depressed and was put on anti-depressants. I was not even allowed to sit up stairs and play on my games, or listen to music or watch tv. No headphones whatsoever.

She has a care worker who proceeded to ignore us. We also had to go to family therapy after dad died, both couldn’t have been anymore useless. They just labelled me like there was something wrong with me and seemed to blame me for not understanding what mum is going through, or has been through. I don’t discredit her apart from my dad everything happened over 40 years ago. Again, I know things can still affect you for a long time, but Its not good enough. My life is hell because of it all.

My aunt was also causing bother for me, she was constantly having ago at me for things. If I was eating food I would get told I didn’t deserve it or I was fat. I was constantly bullied for my clothes, she kept saying I am not a proper woman. I am agender, but still mildly go by female. She doesn’t know this, I only ever wore jeans and shirts and converse really.

Mums needs were too much and I couldn’t do it anymore, when she hit me I just said “Right that’s it” and left. When I went back to go back and get my stuff and documents. (The police refused to help me get my stuff out despite the fact that I would be vulnerable) An incident kicked off again, luckily I voice recorded everything to back myself up. Mums care coordinator and the therapist knew. They wouldnt let me talk at all. Mum still has severe needs but claimed that she has to ask for help. Yeah, because that isnt like asking an unconcious person to ring their own ambulance.

I have even tried to get a carers assessment done. The person rang me once to do the assessment. They said it sounds like I would need help. They never got in touch again, this was a month ago. I have been calling pretty much everyday. The receptionist says I do have a case worker and she will get her to ring me later. I keep hearing this but no calls whatsoever.

I am scared and I do not want to go back but It feels like I am being conspired against and forced to go back because no one wants to help me. I don’t know what to do.

2

Do not go back under any circumstances!
Complain about the lack of action via the LA website.

3

Hi Coolcar,

our advice to you hasn’t changed. Do not go back, nor get involved.

You have passed on your concerns to the relevant bodies and its up to them and your Mum now.

Look at your previous threads and read the replies you have already been given.

If you feel talking it through would help, then ring the helpline

Our telephone helpline providing information is open from Monday to Friday between 9am and 6pm - 0808 808 7777

We are here to support you with your necessary decision to leave.

Melly1

4

Hi. Thank you for your responses. I am so confused by it all. I feel like I am making all the right steps but coming up stumps all the time. The care coordinator acts like I am being malicious, but I am not. I just want what it is right for everyone, but its not my job to provide it for anyone but myself. It just feels like she doesn’t want to do her job and wants to pass it all off. I am not this brutish person who wants to fight everyone, in fact I am quite the opposite.

I am fed up of hearing about consent and stuff, I get its importance, but I never consented to any of this, so its a stale mate. As I have said before consent is subjective, it also is as verbal as it is physical. Someone saying yes or no is not the issue, its making sure they have the correct information and can make that choice. How can mum ask for help if she doesn’t know what ‘help’ is available or how to go about it? I thought that was the job of the care coordinator anyway to make informed decisions and COMMUNICATE.

I am fed up of being labelled the bad one in all this really. I had to do what is right for me, to face financial, sexual, physical, gender phobic, emotional and psychological abuse is just too much. Admittedly. most of that was from the abusive relative, but it was enough when my mum accused me of causing trouble if I wanted to do anything about it. I had to leave, the fact that the help want me to go back to that is wrong, yet Its a battle I have to face.

In some ways, I blame myself for my dads death, but in other ways I know he was too proud for the help which has left a huge burden on my thoughts. He needed certain equipment which would help some of the side effects of his treatment, the NHS didn’t get it in time and it set in motion a chain of events which resulted in his death. If he asked me, I would have bought that equipment myself, and I would not have hesitated. But I know deep down he would have said no!. Ever since he died I tried to adopt some of his ways since I had to protect the household. No matter what I did it wasn’t good enough. In fact, I often realize some of the things he endured from my mum that I have never noticed before. I saw him as a family man who didn’t go out, he stopped working after a certain point, he only had us. Now I know why!

I have tried so hard, and personally I am just tired, but no one has really thought about me. What it is like to effectively be orphaned and with the responsibilities I have. I feel like these people are profiting of my pain. Then again, I am happy with my partner life is so different, yet so familiar. Since leaving, I have had my hair cut (something I haven’t had done since March 2020) and got a tattoo. I can eat a sandwich without abuse, I can do what I like, go where I like and its all fine. Back home, I wasn’t allowed any of that stuff. But I still feel a huge loss of everything.

5

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I’m now 70, so I want to reassure you that “care coordinators” and many others involved with arranging care are really only interested in identifying someone, anyone, who can solve an immediate problem. In hospital that’s getting someone out of a hospital bed asap. They do not care one bit about the impact on family members! Often they make promises of help that are not true! If you don’t stick up for yourself no one else will. Parents should be encouraging their children to live life to the full, be happy, not abusing them in various ways. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We have no right to demand others to do things for us. Please don’t blame yourself for dad’s death. He was responsible for his well being, not you. Mum will never change, if she genuinely needs help, then Social Services and the NHS can arrange it. I hope you can build a new happy life for yourself.

6

Call the helpline today

7

I know just what you’re going through because about 10 years ago I had to become my mother’s carer and i was only 20 years old. I hadn’t had much of a social life or a dating life by then and I knew that this was most likely going to prevent me from having one especially as my mum insisted that I do absolutely everything and never to leave her side. She wanted me with her ALL THE TIME. :dry: for if I left her side (as in the house) for longer than like 10 minutes or so, she reckoned she’d fall or have a heart attack or stroke or some other disaster would befall her.
Her fears did come true and she did have a heart attack one day when I went outside in the garden. she obviously survived by some miracle. she managed to call the doctors as she was having the heart attack. they wouldn’t have even found our house if it wasn’t for me being in the garden.
Then a few years later, after the heart attack, now a few years ago from today she went into the boiler room on her own even tho I said i would come and help her in there, and she got her foot caught on a slab of concrete that was sticking up and she lost her balance and fell on her hip and broke it. She had to go to hospital for about 3 weeks. After that I had no choice but to go out every week on my own to get the grocery shop because although we get online shops there are certain things they didn’t sell so I would have to go out to get those things, such as a certain dog food that was all our very picky dog would eat. Morrison’s own dog pates. Anyway, weirdly since she broke her hip, I now have more freedom than ever before because I’m going out on my own for the first time in my entire life! Before then only time I’d get to go out was with mum.
Like you, I get no help to care for her and I have to clean a whole mansion which is cluttered, all by myself!
She blames me for the house getting cluttered which is not true. I have tried to declutter it for years. It is her who keeps buying clothes, furniture and then grandad died so we had to take in his big stuff too. She also seems to collect boxes and packing. Because she wants me to declutter the house but also won’t let me get rid of stuff, I have just started getting rid of stuff behind her back (just boxes and junk). she also won’t let me get rid of the stuffed toys. I have gotten rid of most of my own clothes and toys. She also collects christmas decorations so now we have 3 full rooms of xmas stuff! including the boiler room which is why she went into that room. the garage was cleared out by cowbow roofers yet that was filled right back up again with guess what? more boxes and big garden equippment she kept buying that has never been used!
Anyway we have no friends or family to help me care for her or clean and tidy up the house and garden so I have to do it all by myself from 21 to 31 maybe even before that! I’ve had barely a social life and only dated 2 men. I fear I’m just going to end up a loner because all our neighbours hate us for no reason and our family has all abandoned us and I’ve never been able to make any new friends for some unknown reason. I used to think it was because i was a carer for my mum and just didn’t have to means to make friends but since being a little bit more independent I find i still can’t make friends.
To be honest, I am failing at doing all the things my mum expects of me and she expects me to do it all with no help. she won’t even get in a carer so I could just take a few days holiday! She doesn’t trust anybody else to care for her but me so I’m pretty stuck.
I’m seriously considering hiring someone to sneak in and do stuff to help me, under my supervision of course, whilst she has her day time nap which can last 2 to 3 hours.

She has gotten worse and worse since the heart attack and her attitude is very bad… she’s gotten more and more critical of me and gets angry very easily… there is nothing I can do right… she’s always criticising everything I do!
She has turned me against any friends I did manage to acquire online. Everyone I meet from online ghosts me after meeting for the first time. It’s as iff my mum’s bad aura has rubbed off on me…

My actual dream is to be an artist and create an animated series of my made up characters I’ve been writing about for the last 10 years. Another dream of mine was to become an actor as well.

I am transgender female to male and she doesn’t accept this at all, not because she is transphobe or LGBTphobe but because she just doesn’t believe I really am transgender. She thinks it’s just a phase but it can’t be because I’ve been this way for years and haven’t changed much except for just going back to being a girl again to please HER. I personally have been miserable because I just want to live as a male and get myself a wife and some nice adoptive and foster children. Worried I’m just going to end up being a bachelor forever.

8

Coolcat, you have your life for you now and you deserve happiness and all the good things it brings to you.
Do not go back to the bullying, coercive controlling toxic environment ever again unless it is collecting personal belongings.
The police unfortunately do not have powers or jurisdiction to help you other than telling them that you should be allowed to collect your things.
Live for today, look to the future.
Your father made his own decisions for his own reasons and this is hard to live with but it was not your fault you are not to blame for it, the authorities are at fault.
None of this is your fault, you were in the unfortunate position of being in an extreme toxic environment.
You have left to forge your own life, keep going forward.
There’s a saying - Don’t look back, that’s not the way you’re heading.
Be your own best friend and be kind to yourself.