I cared for my parents from my mid 20s until 2009 whe I lost them both and my husband had a heart attack in 2011 and a few years after he has chronic heart failure and I became his carer and still are. I feel my life has past me by and right now I couldn’t feel more down.
I’m not selfish but I just wish we could do something or have a nice holiday abroad maybe but that will never happen.
If it wasn’t for my 2 girls and grandson I’d have nothing to live for at the moment in time. I’ve spent almost my whole life as a carer and it’s hard holding everyone together when your falling apart. Life’s so unfair at times 
but I’ll just go on caring until the day comes I’m unable to.
Hi. Perhaps it is time for therapy.
Hello Col
Please keep checking back for replies, there are so many helpful members here with useful info and advice.
Don’t be alone - you are not alone here.
You are having a normal response, you are human and it is not wrong to feel this way but you need to get help as soon as to keep you from tipping over the edge.
If you have not had care assessments done for each of you then contact social services for this to be done, care and respite are means tested and if you are below the threshold you will qualify for respite too.
It sounds like it is time to find out what help there is and to get that help, get carers in.
This is no bad reflection on you, it is to assist you.
There are also charitable organisations who do a sitting service for 2-3 hours a week so you can have some respite for exercise or a relaxing walk or a coffee with a friend.
I wish I could give more concrete advice and help but others know far more than me.
Please keep checking back for help from others and have hope for better times when you have it all sorted out.
HI Col,
welcome to the forum.
I am not surprised you are feeling as you are.
It sounds like you need some fun; and regular time away from caring.
Are you able to leave your husband alone for short periods?
Does he receive any help from care workers?
Lastly, if there were no obstacles - would you like a holiday abroad and someone to care for your husband whilst you are away or would you prefer a holiday in the UK where you could go together but your husband’s care needs were met by someone other than you?
Melly1
I do feel for you as it seems you have spent so much of your life focused on the needs of others rather than your own? I agree with Thara - maybe worth looking for a good counsellor who could help you explore options?
Do you have a local Carers support group? Often they can offer a telephone befriender - usually they have experience of caring and can be a good sounding board. If your husband can be left, I would definitely encourage you to get out and focus on YOUR needs. Do you have any hobbies you have neglected? If you are a reader, a Book Club could be a good way to meet new people.
You deserve more so please let us know how things are going.
Hi Col,
You have done too much for too long without any holiday.
Sadly, although Social Services are supposed to arrange the support we need, at the moment this really isn’t happening. They just want to cut, cut, and cut again.
For your eyes only, make a list of everything you are doing at the moment, and put it in order of jobs you don’t want to do any more. If you let us know the top things on the list, we might just be able to help.
Is your husband mentally OK, or has the stroke affected him mentally?
Physically?
How much help does he need on a daily basis?
Hi col
I’m sorry to read of your situation.
Therapy is worth trying. It may work for you. I have had two sources of CBT, one by phone during covid times, the second was face to face. It took many months for a referral on the NHS. The phone thing didn’t work for me, but face to face was slightly better. I wouldn’t do it again.
I have an appointment in London in a couple of months regarding Autogenic training. Not too many people are familiar with this technique. It’s worth looking into, but has also taken nearly a year to get seen, with no guarantee they will treat me.
I think a lot of carers with burnout just want some peace of mind.
Meditation may be worth considering too.
Best wishes to you.
John
i know this is an old post, but i get depressed too, and its finding/making time to get to things.
i find things that help from a free 75 hard program by andy frisella. he is on instagram and internet.
he has a program which includes making a list of things to do (that seem difficult), having cold shower everyday, reading a positive book for 10 pages a day, and x2 45 min workouts (could just be a walk), and drinking a gallon of water a day, and eating healthy. taking a daily progress photo.
There is more to it and sometimes some of the things are maybe too difficult to handle, but it is something to aim for and it depends on your age too and your level of reading / fitness / diet, as to where you are and where you wanna be.
i struggle with reading, but i am working on it. i work on all aspects of the program in my own way, and it will be a personal program / journey.
I find it does help. Weather it does for you is for yourself to see / try (its totally up to you)
Hi there, I know this is an old post now but I have just discovered it due to clicking on a depression related post that showed all similar posts old and new. It actually told me this post was new. Quite misleading. But anyway as we never heard from you I’m just checking in to see if you are OK.
I know that I’ve had difficulty logging in for a while so maybe you having been on here in a while.
I’m sorry to hear that yoy have been a carer for all your life
I’ve only been doing it 12 years (all of my 20s,now I’m 33 and still doing it) and for a toxic mother.
She was a decent mother until she became disabled and then when she made me do everything she became nastier due to her high standards in house work. She’d yell at me if I didn’t do the chores the way she wanted them doing or if I didn’t do as much chores as she wanted me to do.
Nothing was ever good enough and I agreed with her so I tried harder but still just couldn’t force myself to do as much as she wanted (cleaning an entire big house) and part of me just refused to do it due to slight rebellion as well as mental issues because of the lack of experience in doing housework. I guess.
So I became depressed because I was not only just living to be stuck at home doing chores every day apart from one day a week but also we argued every day.
It was so negative and I found that every time I tried to do stuff I liked doing mum would yell at me and say “stop pissing about there’s work to be done”
So I associated doing stuff I liked with feeling guilty and worried I’d get yelled at so I sought help from this forum and reddit. Then eventually new people I met irl and online
They all informed me to seek help so I did and it helped alot and made me more confident to make changed.
Things aren’t perfect but I have a bit more freedom.
So basically I just want to know if your husband would be OK with you getting someone in to help you because my mum would never let that happen.
But if you could manage to get your husband to agree to it then it would be a big help.
To mum my breaks were my sleeping and going out once a week… With her