Since my husband came home from hospital about 3 weeks ago it has been full on. I have only been out twice, both times to do the weekly shop. He is depressed and I am too. He can’t get in a car yet so that’s out. We have had gorgeous weather all week but I have been stuck at home. He cries a lot about how he can no longer do all the things he enjoyed and how he can’t help me.
That probably sounds pathetic on my part but for the 3 months he was in hospital I didn’t go anywhere either. It was all driving, visiting, housework etc.
I have booked to go and have a pedicure one morning next week and that’s all I have planned. I go in the garden to hang washing out and sometimes have a coffee when he is asleep. He refuses to come out with me for a walk in the wheelchair as he doesn’t want people to see him like this. He says I should go out but I worry about him as he has had suicidal thoughts. He has told the Early Supported Discharge team and they are very kind but nobody can make him better and that is all he wants. Before his stroke if we saw very disabled people on TV (they were discussing right to die) he used to say if that happens to him, he would take matters into his own hands.
It’s a big worry and I feel trapped. I am 71, it’s really hard work and I just cannot imagine having the strength to do this for even more years.
@Penny
I’m glad you have a pedicure booked for yourself.
It must be very draining spending time with your husband and heart wrenching too.
Have you had an updated carer’s assessment - perhaps you could request a sitter for your husband so that you can go out a bit more?
A friend of ours had a stroke (on the operating table whilst having brain surgery) she was offered counselling post stroke. Has your husband been offered this? As you concerned re his suicidal thoughts he should be viewed as a priority.
@Penny
Sorry to read you are going through this.
Have you been in touch with the stroke association? They may advise on a befriender for your husband. Someone who will have an understanding of the situation
I had a carers assessment some years ago and although the SW spent ages here completing it and let me explain what would help me, it wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. No help whatsoever.
@Penny Part of me thinks the best thing is to be hard on him and show him that he can sit and mope and be miserable, or he can play the hand he’s got. I do understand that what he’s lost is a massive blow, but he needs to decide whether he’s going to enjoy what he has or not. As for people seeing him, did he worry about that when he was ok? Did he worry about that when out with your daughter?
He needs to know how hard he’s making it for you and to find things he can do to help - things that show he actually can do things and isn’t “useless” - which is what he’s feeling right now.
Penny, has your husband been out at all since he came home?
Is he a full time wheelchair user, or able to walk a few steps?
Is there a local Stroke Club? It might help him to meet others in the same boat.
Not been out since Nov when it happened.
Physios have been today and worked on getting him in and out of car. They say we will all have a session next week and then if all goes well My son and I can take him out for a drive.
He is in a wheelchair all of the time but praying like mad that this is not forever. We have details of local stroke club but can’t go until he can transfer safely.
Charles. We’ve been married 48 years and I have probably not portrayed him accurately.
In his job he had hundreds of customers and sometimes he would say he was fed up with some of them and all he wanted was a quiet life.
He isn’t moping and being miserable …… what happens is he suddenly starts crying which I understand can be a stroke side effect. Then he says he feels useless and hates feeling like that. He doesn’t go on about it all the time.
He does his exercises and with his one good hand, pushes himself around in the wheelchair and will lay the table at mealtimes, wipe down worktops, dust where he can reach etc.
Hi Penny. Sorry for the misunderstanding. The crying certainly was a side effect with Dad, although he had never been afraid to cry in front of us, unlike most men of his generation.
@Penny@Charlesh47
The same with my husband. He was never afraid to cry in front of us either, but it was somehow different.
Also sometimes laughing to excess.
We are hoping to be able to get out in the car in a few weeks. Physios have given him 2 sessions helping him get in and out but they want us to get more practice, my son and myself.
Then we plan to go to Stroke group about 10 miles away.