first time

This is the first time I have ever used a chat forum. I’m Chris and my husband is being cared for by me and a wonderful team of carers and nurses during his final days. Most of the time though it is just me sitting with him, watching his every breath and him slowly getting worse. He is so fragile and every touch hurts him. I’m finding it so hard but promised him he would be at home having spent so much time in hospital. I sit holding his hand and massaging his brow. I feel guilty that he is unable to eat/drink for fear of choking. It’s so hard and just needed to get everything off my chest.

Hi Chris, welcome to the forum.
Are you getting enough support, so you can rest? Do yo have everything you and?

Hi Chris, and welcome.

I hope you’re getting all the help you need right now. Are you getting emotional support, too?

HI Christine,

we are here to offer cyber support. Thinking of you and your hubby.


Welcome Christine. I do feel for you and your husband. All I can do is echo the other comments and just hope that you are getting emotional support as well as practical support?

Hi Christine

My mother lived in the chair next to my dads bed in the hospital and then hospice in his final days.
It was difficult persuading her to rest, she didn’t realise the emotional toll of those days as he was her sole focus.

So I can appreciate how hard this is for you.

I hope you are getting rest away from his bedside while the carers are there. Step outside and have some air, a short walk for your circulation even if to the end of the street and back and getting the daylight for your body clock. A little bit of regeneration for your system and strength - also some good nutrition for your strength, not that you will have any appetite, but it is important, even if you can only manage soup or yoghurts, try to have it when the carers are there, you might feel more like eating then.

The suggestions below might not be applicable/appropriate but just in case they will help I have shared what we did with my dad as it is a lot of long hours at the bedside.

Reminisce to him about the good times you’ve had and how you enjoyed them and happy times together if you can manage to say them. Tell him nice things and good things as much as you can and are able to if you can, anything like that to help the time pass with nice things or read to him.
I held my dads hand and reminisced to him, how much he meant to me and how much I was daddy’s girl and always would be, I thanked him for everything. It was so hard to do fighting back tears, but I was so grateful I did. I don’t know how aware he was because he was on palliative care for cancer and drugged up to the eyeballs on morphine.

Have you any photographs of events or places? describe the photo to him if he isn’t able to look at it and talk about the occasion and how great it was if it is not too emotional to do.

It’s easier said than done and it isn’t for everyone but if you can do it and it helps then try it.

My thoughts are with you and I hope things will be peaceful for him.

Don’t feel guilty Chris, it’s just how things are that he has the risk of choking, it isn’t your fault.

Be kind to yourself, it isn’t your fault, that is beyond your marriage and your care, it is a body function, if you can accept that it could help ease your mind somewhat. I couldn’t accept my dads cancer, I was very upset and angry but some months after he had gone, I had an epiphany and accepted it, that gave a great release.

So if you can accept his inability to eat and drink as part of the process, it could help ease your anxieties there.

Have the nurses or the doctor explained to you the final stages? sit down with one of the nurses in another room for that discussion if you haven’t done so. It’s not a conversation you want, it’s not what you want to happen and you can’t be fully prepared but you can be made aware and subconscious of it. I wish peace and dignity for him.

hello Chris,
God bless you and your husband. trap the cat