Just joined!

Hello everyone, I’m a full-time carer for my husband who had a stroke 5 years ago. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Although it often makes me feel isolated. Just to say hi really. Donna-Marie x :wink:

Hi Donna, welcome to the forum.

Loneliness is a common problem for carers. Have you had a Carers Assessment from Social Services? They might be able to arrange a sitter for your husband so you could escape for a few hours knowing he’s OK at home.

Has your husband reached the maximum ‘rehabilitation’ that he can, after his stroke? Treatment improves all the time, so don’t give up on him too early (or let him give up on himself!).

Can he still get ‘out and about’ or are you ‘stuck indoors’ all day?

When one partner in a marriage is infirm or disabled in any way, it can make them very ‘clingy’, which makes it much harder tor the ‘fit’ carer partner. They can also become ‘bitter and resentful’ of YOUR health, and become very ruthless in playing the ‘I’ts all right for you!’ card all the time.

But you were NOT responsible for his stroke, and you cannot be ‘punished’ by him for being fit and healthy, just because he is not.

I do hope that is NOT what is going on, of course, and that he wants you to have as full a life as possible, and not spend all your time looking after him. Marriage remains a partnership, even when illness and disability strikes…

Hopefully he’s very appreciative of all you do.

Hey there, thanks for your reply. No, unfortunately, social services have not been especially helpful. I did request online a “carers assessment” online and received an acknowledgement from them stating, that someone would contact me via telephone. About 3 wks ago. So far, nothing?! My husband suffers agoraphobia and clinical depression. So, at least when I go to get food or supply’s, it gets me out of the house. My son will stay with my husband on those occasions as my husband wouldn’t have anyone else to sit with him. So, just me! Not sure how social services could help anyway because of that. On a strict financial budget due to our circumstances. Thank you to everyone who replied. There is life out there, after all. Donna x :slight_smile: :frowning:

Donna, alas that bit about your husband not wanting ‘anyone else’ to sit with him is VERY common on these boards! And, sadly, it DOES have to be ‘nipped in the bud’ right from the off.

Like it or not, he HAS to put up with having ‘strangers’ look after him. You have given up SO much for him, this is something he ‘has’ to do for you, whether he likes it or not, whether he makes a fuss or not, and whether, even, he understands it or not.

The forum members always recommend a ‘gradual’ approach to introducing ‘strangers’ (ie, professional carers or whatever) (sometimes just volunteer ‘sitters’ from support groups).

The idea is to gradually acclimatise the caree to the ‘stranger’ so that eventually they aren’t a stranger at all.

  • So, first of all, are there throughout the visit, and you tell your husband they have come to help YOU, not him.
  • They spend time with YOU, ‘doing stuff’ (eg, helping in the kitchen) or whatever
  • Gradually they spend time with your husband AND YOU DO TOO (ie, you don’t leave them with him)
  • Gradually, you start to ‘pop out’, first of the room ‘Just going to make us a cuppa! Just gong to hoover the lounge’ etc etc
    -Build that up to ‘Just going to pop to the post’, ;just going to nip to the shops’ etc etc.
  • Eventually, you can get to the point where you leave the moment they arrive.

You DO have to be firm on this. And persistent. And, in the end, even if he still objects, youi STILL have to walk out the door with him complaining behind you. You CANNOT be a prisoner in your own home.

Do you thnk he listens to your son more? As in, your son can tell him ‘straight’ - eg, 'Dad, Mum MUST get out - she has a life too you know, and it’s just not on you ‘holding her prisoner’ here…do it for HER, Dad, and stop thinking about yourself all the time!)

What was your husband like to you BEFORE he had his stroke? If he was selfish and demanding and you put up with it, then that would explain his behaviour now. But presumably it only came on with the stroke???

Hey there, you are absolutely right! He has always been a very loving but private man. When my husband first had his stroke, it took the doctors 3 days to diagnose it, increasing the damage. His main symptoms were "being sick, dizziness, and numbness all down his left hand side. The first gp thought it was an ear infection, the second wasn’t sure, nor the 3rd!And so it went on. The the doctor took blood. When he became incoherent and was laying supine on the floor not able to get up, I called an ambulance. His blood pressure was through the roof. And his blood test results confirmed he had had a stroke. I suppose he didn’t have the classic symptoms, hence it not being diagnosed soon although he was taking blood pressure tablets. How was I supposed to know, I’m not a doctor!his mobility is severely impaired and physio has improved this. I suppose, my question is: is there any other way, apart from care can the council help me. Any advice would be appreciated, Donna x

Have you asked for the assessments from Social Services yet?
They are the best people to tell you what is available in your own area.
Would you be “self funding” ie you have savings over £46,000 between you? (Yes/No)

What sort of help would you like most of all? It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit or a little thing, it’s what you find most irritating, or what you would like to be able to do most of all, that you can’t, that matters.