Sending husband into Care

After 40 years of marriage, with it’s usual ups and downs, I have had to put my husband into a Care Home. I have known since Christmas that the sheer physical work involved was becoming too much for me as following his strokes and paralysis he needed lifting so many times a day, that and two hours sleep a night, incontinence and catheter blockages, was taking it’s toll on me. But I couldn’t admit defeat and it took the hospital and social workers to assess we were both at risk. I won’t deny that somewhere inside me I was relieved, and I do know this is the right decision for us both.

But what now? I am mid 60’s, one caring daughter living an hours drive away who I don’t want to be a burden to…yet! What do I do to restart my life as a “married single”, my friends have mostly - and understandably - drifted off over the past 6 years, I live in a fairly rural location, am not attracted to clubs and commitments…had more than enough of that! I like to think I am friendly and easy going. I had breast cancer -luckily successfully treated - 4 years ago and I really want to make something of the time I have left.

What have other people done? All advice welcome…

Hello Margaret ans welcome
Yes that place between being a full time carer and having no caring responsibilities at all is a strange one, and most of us will identify with the good and not so good feelings.

Firstly becoming a regular poster on here can occupy many hours a day ( or as many as you want :smiley: ) as you help other carers. You’ll be surprised at the knowledge and expertise you have to pass on. And it can be done when you want and from the comfort of your armchair. :slight_smile:
There are other volunteer opportunities around caring too

Then there’s volunteering in general, everything from transport driver to helping in a school or charity shop.

Lots of carers who have been stuck inside enjoy joining a walking group or getting a dog

Just a few ideas to begin with…but please don’t feel guilty if you spend a few weeks or months doing not a lot. Your body and your mind will have been more stressed than you realised and will need time for healing


Hello Margaret and welcome
3 years ago my husband had to go into into a nursing home.I was and still am devastated. He has vascular dementia, suffered strokes and many other complex issues. At the moment he is in hospital again. In and out like a yo yo.
The first year was especially difficult. Took me at least that to settle to do anything, and I assure you plenty was needing sorting and still tons to do. It takes its toll even visiting the nursing home, and I don’t go every day now. So don’t be surprised if you find the first few weeks or longer go by in a haze.Best laid plans just don’t happen. Take your time, because you no doubt will feel emotional and shattered.
In the meantime is there a church club you can find.I ask this because I have noticed one by me and it has in invitation on the board outside to coffee and chat mornings. Not to join the church but for social get togethers. I haven’t to be honest, because I have time with family and a couple of friends. Have been on day trips too.Something you could consider?

I just wanted to thank you for your responses. Husband is settled and happier than I have seen him for ages so I have peace of mind in that direction. Still feeling bad about having made the decision, but talking to his new GP I understand this is a common thing. I just have to keep looking forward. I am slowly picking up the threads of my life, contacting friends and going out a bit. I can’t praise the Care Home enough, their support is awesome…for us both. The effort they put in to activities is beyond belief…visiting llamas, lambs, ducklings, regular trips out to garden centres, theatre, and trip around the coast in a disabled friendly boat in the offing. Better social life than mine ha ha.
But seriously, thank you so much for support at a very black time for me when I was feeling really down. I am still struggling as I am sure we all are, but can see a small glimmer of light for the future. Xx

Margaret, that sounds very positive. Well done.