New to site

Hi I’ve just joined as I’m at the end of my rope and need some advice. I have been caring for my 70 yr old husband for 30 years as he was disabled after an accident at work. This was relatively easy compared to the last two years since he was diagnosed with vascular dementia. I’ve had the usual nastiness , accusations of thieving and hurtful comments . I’ve learned to ignore. Now though he had deteriorated rapidly in his mobility and I’m finding it hard to get him up and down even to the toilet . My body is aching and I don’t know how much longer I can carry on . I am practically a prisoner in my home only leaving once a week to shop and ten minutes a day to walk the dog . Our only son lives in NZ and feel bad asking friends to sit with him

Hi Sandra,

welcome to the forum.

Does your husband receive support from paid carers?

If he needs more than four visits a day, is it time for him to receive residential care? Then you can be his wife again and not his full time carer.


Hi Sandra welcome to the forum
My lovely husband had to go into a nursing home as his consultant made it clear it’s was for his own safety and for mine too. He suffered strokes and vascular dementia. Was certainly not what I wanted but his needs were priority. I learned to care manage at the home, and made sure that his needs were met as best as I could. I did then at least have a break at home. Not ideal, he was very much loved.
Would it be a consideration for you.?

I don’t have any carers coming in as I don’t know what they can offer to get honest

Sadly, your husband will just get more and more disabled. At some stage, possibly very soon, he will need full time care, either in a residential home or at home.
The only person who can decide when, is you, probably the hardest decision you will ever make.
Frankly, you sound utterly exhausted you have done too much for too long.
If you have under £46,000 Social Services will contribute to the cost. Above that you will pay the full cost of care unless he is entitled to NHS Continuing Healthcare.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Claim Council Tax Exemption?
Have you considered having counselling? I found it very helpful when my mum was very frail.

Thank you for your comments , I understand he is going to get more poorly he has deteriorated in the last few months. I do have less than £46,000 but own our home does that count . I also kind of know that I will have to make a decision about going into a nursing home but it scares me because I will feel like I failed him and I don’t want him to feel unloved :cry:
I don’t have power of attorney as yet but looking into it
There are days when he is alert and aware and this makes it even harder

I claimed council tax but we only get 25% reduction x I haven’t been down the route of counselling as I am a trained counsellor myself

If you are over 60, still living in the home, the value isn’t included.
If he now has dementia, it’s too late to get Power of Attorney.

Oh I’m glad you told me about power of attorney thank you

An alternative is Guardianship, Pet, one of our members had to go down this route.
My mum was disabled for many years. She spent her last year in a nursing home a mile away.
I became her proper daughter again, taking her flowers, chatting about old times, without endless jobs to do. It was lovely to know that whenever she needed any help, it was there any time of the day or night.
Don’t wait until a crisis before looking at homes because the best ones have waiting lists.
Some may have respite or assessment beds too. In mum’s home, they liked to get to know patients in this way. It would also hopefully reassure you. Start by asking Social Services for a Needs Assessment and Carers Assessment, and which homes in the area they will fund.

Thank you bowlingbun for your help

Hi new to site ,I’m Peter I’m a full-time unpaid carer,my wife suffers from epilepsy, vertigo,depression, deafness with aids,musculoskeletal problems, I’m diabetic on insulin,depression, &due to problems with wrists,hands&fingers struggling to chop or peal or cut anything, we tend to live on microwave meals,being a great chef in past finding it difficult, mobility is worsen but have to plod on ,because I look after my wife they stopped my pip&carers allowance for 3yrs & just recently told I don’t qualify for anything ,&I don’t understand, going to appeal again,we both where abused physically, sexually as children ,so I guess we help each other,but my condition is getting worse,ptsd severe &I’m asking for help to talk to a coucillor/mental health for help but it seems it never comes,I’m trying hopefully soon adult learning activities, gardening to what I can do ,keep blanking out and fall down stairs hitting wall or stairlift,it really hurts back &legs&mobility,trying to get wife to art painting to take her mind off things ,I will help anyone as I’m a wizard of hoovering&dusting &cleaning up ,I love all animals &since civid we have been in our little prison called home ,trying to get out ,I’d love help but scared to let people in,parents are decieced&children don’t want to know as got no money &can’t do the things I could do anymore ,sorry its long but it’s our life ,I’m peter&my wife’s katrina, we live in blackburn, thankyou for listening

Welcome and good luck in 2022.