Old man

Not entirely new on here but viewed things for a while.

Having an issue at the moment with an elderly parent.
I’m kind of stressed at the moment with all that’s going on.

To explain I’m a long term carer for my father.
I share the home with him as well.

He’s had strokes, tia’s, cerebral haemmorages in the past.
In the last year or so his kidney function has dropped to the point where a fistula needs to be fitted for dialysis. He’s now extremely frail due to it. He’s 6ft 3 and 17 Stone. He’s lost 35 lbs over the last three months. Some of that muscle wastage and less fluid retained.

He fell out his bed four weeks or so ago. Spent 10 days in hospital and was discharged. He was asked about care but refused. I work part time and have been on holiday but due to return to work in around a fortnight. I’ve noticed a few things since he came out such as he needs direction on how to stand, can’t manage get out of his chair without assistance. His balance is poor and walking means a zimmer is required but he’s struggling to walk safely even with that. He has a drop foot from an old stroke but his old previous good foot he’s now shuffling when he walks. I feel the doctor’s in the hospital should have picked up on some of these things. Due to Covid was only able to visit for an hour as his designated visitor meaning you don’t see or spot things in that timescale which are out of the norm.

I have to help him dress, go to the toilet, go to bed as well as everything else.
I can’t go out now for any longer than 20-30 minutes with what’s going on.
I’m extremely tired and worn out.

The house has upstairs and the conclusion is kind of dawning that he’s really not suitable to stay safely their for much longer with his level of health.
Feel a smaller house on one level is required.

My sister helps a little but that’s just a couple of hours a week. I’ve not had holiday or break in years.

Any thoughts on the best course of action.

I feel additional carers are required and social work need involved.

Just a few quick questions for now. Are you an only child?
Does dad own or rent his house?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does dad have over £23,000 in savings?
How old are you?

Not an only child.
Rented House.
No Power Of Attorney
Less Than £23,000 in Savings
Late 40’s.

My original message should have described the situation a bit clearer.

Hi Gordon,

I really am sorry to hear about the troubles youre going through caring for your father. I just wanted to provide you with Carers UK’s helpline should you need advice or support - The Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm and the email is (advice@carersuk.org),

And if you want some support from your fellow carers, Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find others in a similar position to yourself.

Online meetups | Carers UK - these are weekly online meetups that can provide a much needed break.

Take Care,

Dad was entitled to six weeks free Reablement Care after discharge.
Did the hospital or Social Services talk to you on the phone about your caring role before discharge?They should also have visited the home to check he had all the aids and adaptations he needed for discharge. Something tells me this didn’t happen either?!
Is dad claiming Attendance Allowance?
As he doesn’t have a lot of savings he should be entitled to a lot of support from Social Services. I expect he told the hospital he could do things he couldn’t and for things he couldn’t do “my son will do it”!
My mum kept doing this too.
You have got to be tough about getting some help in, so you can go out.

I know this may come as a shock, but If it is council or housing authority property, are you aware that unless you are named on the tenancy, you may be asked to leave 4 weeks after dad dies or moves into residential care? A few councils make exceptions, you need to check asap!
From now on, dad has to realise that he has no right to expect you to give up your life so he can stay at home, because obviously he can’t cope without you. The only power he has over you is the power you let him have.
You need to decide how much care you want to give and get some care in.
As dad is so recently discharged, ring Social Services Reablement Team. Also ask for a Carers Assessment.

The hospital suggested to him about carers but he refused the suggestion. No discussion about my role. Occupational Therapy have provided a perch tool, bed grab rail and bannisters at the top of the stairs. Work is to be done outside the house as their are steps outside and railings need adjusted to be suitable. The steps also need work. It’s been passed to the relevant council department for the work to be done. He’s on PiP on a reviewed continuing basis as he’s over 65 and received it before pension age.

I expect he told the hospital he could do things he couldn’t and for things he couldn’t do “my son will do it”!
That’s a very true that statement.

I’m aware of the tenancy caveat.

You need to have a difficult conversation with him, that if he wants to stay home from now on, he MUST accept some care. Even if it’s just someone to come in once a day. Then you can go out for a walk etc.

Given his financial situation, Social Services will subsidise the carers, but the first six weeks are FREE. Did they tell him that?

Does he have a Lifeline pendant so he can call for help if you are not there? My mum had one, really useful.

Yeah he has a community alarm pendant.

It’s the usual with a lot of the older generation as soon as you mention social work it’s a no.
In a lot of cases they are trying to bring all the bodies together to bring a unified service.
Cooperation between OT, Physio, Social Work and Housing.
But it’s difficult for older people not to panic at Social Work getting involved.

He’s having his op to fit the fistula this coming Wednesday with Dialysis to follow in six weeks or so.
But dialysis timescale can be brought forward with further kidney function loss and require immediate intervention.

Sometimes I have concerns with his understanding of situations.
I feel he’s in a world of his own at times.

How old is dad?
I wonder if they had any concerns about his understanding when he was in hospital?
When I was ill, my mum was given the stark choice of carers coming into the home, or nursing home. She chose carers coming in, although for 30 years she insisted she could “manage”. How I hate that word, it usually meant something that I’d soon be left to sort out.

I understand your thoughts and concerns. You really need to be a little tougher, as the previous commenters said.

Sorry for the late reply.
He’s 70 years old in a couple of months.
He needs prompting and direction which he did not require before.
I don’t know whether it’s memory loss or confidence lost due to his health.

I also get the notion that I need to take care of myself as well.

Thanks to all for the advice offered.

Yes, remember that you need to keep well, for both of you. Elderly I’ll people lose the ability to see how much others are doing for them. They also forget that their children are growing older too, as adults they cannot be ordered around as they might have been as a child!

Operation cancelled today supposedly somebody more in need.

Battling his GP to get his situation taken seriously.
I’ve had enough going to change doctor’s after this.
The last time a Doctor treated things as frivously was in 1987 suggesting it’s a migraine to my father and take a couple of paracetamols. Massive Cerebral Hemorrhage. It’s easy when it’s not your own family or friends.
An assessment team coming out later to decide whether respite in care home, hospital or stay at home for dad.
I hold my breath.

Be sure to have time to discuss how you feel either as they arrive, or as they leave, outside where you can be open and honest and speak without dad hearing.

I’ve been waiting all day and nothing has materialised.
I called Doctor’s asking when are the assessment team coming ?
They don’t know as their not privy to that information !!!
I said do you know their working hours as you can establish if their going to come at all ?
His doctor’s are about as useful as an ice cream teapot.

I managed to get a number but it goes straight to answering machine.

Yeah NHS (No Health Service)

Suffice to say nothing.

I managed to catch up with some of the assessment team but the information provided to them by his GP was it’s no rush !!!
I left four messages eventually someone called back.

After speaking to someone they have suggested the more senior team will come out tomorrow as they have more scope to assess and place him. Unfortunately it was not until end of day before I got reply.

I can try and push things tonight with NHS 24 but likelihood is midnight before we see anyone and who knows when in the middle of night to be taken away. He’s sleeping at the moment and probably better to let him rest.

Sorry about the late catch up.

Managed to get my father admitted into hospital yesterday after the assessment team checked him over.
Initially they suggested a 2hr request for an ambulance. But on receipt of blood test results an ambulance was sent immediately. It’s transpired that no changes were made to the diuretics to take into account the fluid restriction therefore he’s been pushing water out of his system non-stop. The dehydration explains the confusion he’s been having but I’ve mentioned a lot more things to the Doctor’s in the hospital with what’s been going health wise with him.

Will have to see how things lie when his fluid balance is restored. Hopefully some things return to their more normal levels for him. But the mobility and other issues means seeking additional help. He’s certainly not leaving hospital until I feel it’s appropriate. Will have physio, occupational therapy, social work etc properly assess things with a view to further alterations or moving house if necessary.

Will also look into getting additional carers and proper breaks for myself.

I have to look after my own health as well.


It’s transpired that no changes were made to the diuretics to take into account the fluid restriction

That’s terrible. He has been seriously let down.

Glad he is in hospital now, trying and take a break now.

This info might be useful Coming out of hospital | Carers UK


Thanks for the link “Melly1”.

I’m definitely going to seek help as I’ve been left with support for years. I’ve not had a proper break and need a time out from time to time.

Have you ever had a Social Services Carers Assessment?
Has dad ever had a Needs Assessment?
Has he ever had an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment?