Hi all, I’m a 62 year old looking after my 92 year old Dad. I’ll try to keep this short. My Mum died about 10 years ago and, after mainly looking after himself for a couple of years, my Dad had a TIA. This was followed by an aortic aneurysm and a couple of other operations, one where the NHS kept him on a catheter for 6 months which was a nightmare.
As time has gone on, I’ve had to spend more and more time looking after him. At one point I would come up for a long weekend, (I live 100 miles away), and leave him on his own for 10 days, then weekends only, a week on and a week off but a few weeks back he started to fall quite a lot and was taken into hospital for a week where he caught Covid so went back in for another week during the heatwave a couple of weeks back. They discovered his blood pressure was dropping dramatically when he stood up and took him off Losartan. He still takes, Simvastatins, Clopidogrel, and amliopodine.
He’s back home now and I am trying to sort him out a care package. I can still spend one week out of two with him so I’m hoping to get care for the other week.
I have my own health issues, several years back I was in a bad accident where I received severe burns to my head and face. 6 months after leaving hospital I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been struggling and trying to live with it ever since. At the moment, I’m finding the whole “care package” thing very difficult and I am hoping I might be able to find advice on here.
Many thanks, Drew.
Hello Drew
Sorry to hear about your circumstances.
Considering his conditions and your own situation, this is too much for you to be doing on your own and even with carers. Would your father consider being in a residential home? It sounds like he qualifies for that or a nursing home and would be much safer there, as it isn’t going to get any easier for either of you. You might be able to get him into one near to you.
I have no business suggesting this considering I’ve moved in with mother to care for her but it is currently going well, we are managing despite her conditions.
The big push is to keep them at home to ease the burden on finding residential places and cut costs, but if your father is struggling and then in turn you are having difficulties, it is not safe.
Right back to just after my Mum died, I wanted him to move nearer us, (he has 4 Grandchildren nearby too), in an assisted living flat, but couldn’t get him to move. (It has to be said, he’s not the easiest person to deal with). The annoying thing is, I’m pretty sure that he would love it in a care home as he hardly gets to see anyone but me at the moment and he loves to chat with others.
I’d ring the hospital and ask to speak to the CEO’s office and ask why they sent him home in this state, without any free Reablement Care? He’s not fit to be there alone.
You need to stop filling in the care gaps. Realistically, he will have to end up in a care home as he’s unlikely to get better, only worse.
You can’t stop his decline, you have to admit to yourself, and tell everyone else, that you cannot do it any more.
Stop trying to be Superman and start yelling Help. If you don’t, you are going to get ill anyhow, so surely residential is what he NEEDS now, even if it’s not what he wants??
Find out about reablement care. Good luck.
Drew
If it is a long time since you mentioned moving to your father, it could be worth asking again.
If it has been recent be honest to him and say you can’t carry on with it.
Take the approach to him that you are both struggling now, it is an effort for you and before it becomes a struggle and impossible for you, how about coming to a residential place near us and seeing your grandchildren more and having some friends at the home, a social life there.
Be honest that you are struggling and don’t know how much longer you can do this, because it is about you as well.
Thankyou everyone for your comments, it’s great just to have somewhere to air things, I’ve tried to get his grandchildren involved but to be fair, they know about as little as me about the subject. Looking into reablement care, thanks for that. Over the last couple of months I can’t help thinking to myself that my Dad could afford to pay for his care but unsure where to look. I’ll try post on my/his progress over the next week, he’s been assigned a social worker and OT should be coming round to see how the bungalow can be adapted and he’s got his financial assessment coming up.
Use this as an opportunity to bring together all his financial details, wiils, deeds etc. One less job later.
Also think about Power of Attorney IF he regains capacity?
Colour code everything.
I was thinking the lure of being near to family and seeing you and grandchildren locally could entice your father to move. The double advantage, family close by and friends at a residential residence.
Yes, you would think so but my Dad is quite unusual is some regards. He had little to no input with me and my brother as we were growing up and he’s never really cared for anything or anyone before. He left his Moms to live with my Mom and she treated him as a king all her life. I don’t think this was that unusual at the time, my Dad feels that being the main earner means he has fulfilled his marital obligations, even though my Mom worked too as well as doing all the housework, bringing us kids up, doing all the decorating and DIY, (even losing several finger on a circular saw!), she was the only one that drove until much later and generally kept things together. I left home quite young, moved away and had nothing much to do with my parents for around 30 years. You’re probably wondering by now why I want to look out for him anyway 
When my Mom died, me, my Dad and my brother were pretty useless. We let her down and she died alone in hospital. The last thing she said to me was “look after your Dad” and I promised I would. (we lost my brother a couple of years after my Mom).
I’m at home in Cambridge today, firt time in many weeks. it’s the first time I’ve left him with the carers so I’m pretty concerned. I’m going to post some basic questions elsewhere on here to try and get some more info before I go back to my dads tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks, I think this weekend without me and maybe a couple of weeks away will make him see sense.
Here’s hoping he will, if not, give it time and hopefully not before long he will.
Good luck.
Deathbed promises always seem desperately unfair.
In your case particularly unfair because your dad didn’t take much interest in you!