Hello everyone! Would welcome some advice on my dad. He has recently spent a few weeks in hospital and now been transferred to a temporary care home where they are assessing his needs and improving his mobility.
My dad wants to go home -he lives alone- but I feel his needs are so huge now that he needs to be in care full time.
I have found him twice now collapsed on the floor at home and this has had a massive impact on me . I feel so guilty although I have always tried to do my best for him .Prior to his last collapse I think he was struggling to cope but wouldnt admit it. He has been judged to be mentally sound-he does not have dementia- so if he insists he wants to go home, will he have his own way? He has constant diarrhoea, is catheterised (prostate and kidney problems)and blood clotting issues as well as poor mobility. He has fallen a few times in the last few months. He is registered with a very poor GP practice who dont seem to see any patients face to face but he is adamant he doesnt want to change GP. I am worried about the future. He isnt the easiest person in the world.
He has been assessed by the council and they said he could have carers coming in, Please can others advise if this can work when a person has complex medical needs?
Thanks for any advice.
You are going to have a battle on your hands, I’m afraid.
There should be a meeting of all concerned before any discharge is planned, make it very clear that you want to attend.
Make a list of how many times dad has fallen at home - they may not know anything about this. List everything that happened in the last 6 months, then ask them how they think it’s OK for him to go home. Carers are OK for dressing, undressing, feeding, but usually only arranged for 2-3 hours a day. How will he manage for the other 22?
Sorry to hear about your father.
The main push is to care for them at home - it’s better for them to be at home.
The shortage and expense of care homes is probably the root cause of that initiative.
Of course your dad wants to go home to his comfort, familiarity and independence.
Carers will only be visiting a few times a day, then your dad will be alone in between their calls and through the night. Unless he has an emergency button system to call someone out if he falls.
It doesn’t sound safe for him to live alone.
They will talk about assessments, aids and home and a wet room shower in the bathroom etc
But that does not take away the fact that he will be alone for most of the day and through the night.
I hope for you that he will start to get comfortable there and decide he’s better there than alone.
Thank you both for your replies. My dad has recently had an emergency carecall wristband but last time he collapsed he didn`t use it, although he was on the floor for about 7 hours.
I feel less alone now. Thank you so much.
Dad may have “capacity” but that does NOT mean that if he comes home, you have to do anything at all for him.
Remember this, and keep repeating it as often as you have to.
Say “I CANNOT LOOK AFTER DAD ANY MORE”. Tell everyone who tries to blackmail you into doing “just a bit” for dad.
I know from bitter experience the way hospitals try to tug at carers heart strings, but you must stick up for yourself now.
Dad is paying the price of living a long life. He can choose whatever he wants, if he has capacity, but so can you.
This was the worst period of my own life, although I’d just had major life saving surgery, and couldn’t even do my own shopping, the hospital kept asking me to do various things for mum prior to discharge. It was truly awful.
Dad will have paid his taxes, and is absolutely entitled to the support he needs in his old age.
You are not alone here.
That is a worry that he wouldn’t use the wristband, it doesn’t bear thinking about if it was winter and snowing. Is that not proof enough of where he needs to be?
Keep reading Bowlingbuns reply.
You can look at it as love for your father and for yourself.
If the best place is in a home, is it not an act of love to support that happening for his best interests, no matter how hard and upsetting it is at the time - easy for me to say and hypocritical of me because I am looking after my mother. Also love for yourself, not putting yourself through ever increasing care and concern - be your own best friend in letting that happen and be kind to yourself about it through the difficult transition phase.
It’s alright for me sit and type this at my keyboard, I am not living your life, but I hope it is something for consideration.
Just bringing the topic up the list
Don’t feel bad