Newbie here

Hello to all you wonderful carers who do a brilliant.
I’ll try not to waffle on too much. so a little about me…im 54 lived in france 13 years after a marriage breakdown i returned to the family home both parents had strokes mum was a double amputee so both housebound thou dad could get around alittle which he did in his early years of his stroke, both had home care x2 a day then i rolled back to the nest and became a unpaid carer but i also work as a home help for elderly sometimes i felt that was respite and quite a few times i would just sit in my car outside bracing myself thinking what has mum done today.

. right deep breath lets go in , normally she had done something either got stuck in her electric wheelchair(such a bad driver, nickname 'demolition Doreen)
Or a phone scam and shes bought something from them …again!!
A demanding lady at the best of times
But sadly shes no longer with us so its just dad now who’s 86 he had 2 carers x4 a day at the moment hes in hospital his dementia seems to have got worse even more so since hes been in there
I did say i wouldn’t waffle on …i do believe i have …sorry!
Sandy :blush:

HI Sandy and welcome,
lots of carers on here, with experience of supporting the elderly and also those with dementia.
I’m sure they will be along of the next few days.


Hi Sandy, welcome to the forum. You are a daughter in a million, moving back to the UK to care for mum and dad.
Dementia is a cruel disease, and can creep slowly, or cause a rapid decline.

Have the hospital started talking about future care with you?
Would you like dad to move back in with you, or has the time now come for full time residential care?

Do mum and dad own, or rent, their home?
Did you know that since the day dad was diagnosed with dementia, he was exempt from Council Tax? If not, then contact the council.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Do you have any brothers and sisters?

I know these questions look a bit random, but the answers are really important as far as dad’s future care, and your own future, are concerned.

Thank you Melly and bowling bun
Since dad has been in hospital the care agency that looked after dad pulled out, they didnt have the courtesy to let us know find that out from the social worker gobsmacked to say the least, he did become aggressive and lash out he dìdnt ever recall this alot times i had to restrain him while the carers changed the bed sheets due to being wet, we knew dad had vascular dementia doctor said that was because of his stroke years ago but its never been diagnosed with dementia until now since hes been hospital we did start( that should be i i do feel ive done most of the work) the ball rolling before he went into hospital
Yes i have 2 brothers ones helpful the other is about as useless as a chocolate teapot, sometimes it feels very lonely making decisions about someone else.
Dad owns his own house, i would hate to say how much theyve paid for care between the two of them …sometimes it doesnt pay to have savings does it.
Ive had a meeting with the social worker a couple of weeks ago…brothers couldnt make it, social worker wants to put him in a home for dementia, i felt i didnt have the right to make that decision on my own…we really wanted him home, i did feel like i was pushed into a corner.
We have a 2nd meeting tomorrow at least one of my brothers will be there

When i told dad after the 1st meeting that he would have to go into a home it broke both our hearts he said he wants to go home with me
Yes we do have power of attorney
Life sucks sometimes

Hi Sandy
Sadly most dementia deteriorates to the stage where it requires a team of people to care 24/7, and even 4x2 carers a day is not enough. Its unlikely Dad would be safe at home. It’s sad, but there nothing can be done to stop the decline. Every change brings a big step down, every move, every hospitalization, every change in carer, every infection.
If social services are suggesting residential care then it must be serious, they don’t say this lightly and are more often criticised for sending people home too readily.
My Mum is in a residential Home and is deteriorating. We are now just hoping she doesn’t get worse and have to be moved to another Home. We are comforted to know she is fed, warm, safe and that we can visit regularly without having the stress and worry of caring physically 24/7. Some days she recognises us, sometimes she doesn’t.
Sadly your Dad seems to have got to the stage where his NEEDs must overcome his WANTs and you need to become the overseeing Parent and stop being the dutiful obedient Child. He needs a parent to look after his best interests. It’s hard to get used to the change in roles, but you will have to to keep him as safe as possible.


Thank you Mrs A for your message , i guess it wasnt what we wanted for dad but as you said its what he needs thats important and it wont get any better, after the meeting yesterday we have no choice but to find him a home that caters for his needs and variable mood swings, my brothers did want me to give up my job and look after him 24/7 but i dont know what dad’s capable of now being so long in hospital spending all of it in bed, what his mobility is …i just couldnt do it and the social worker didnt want to entertain that idea.
I soon realised when i moved back to the family home how our roles reverse from being their child to then becoming a adult for them it is a strange feeling.

Mrs A did you look for homes for your mum how many did you look at,
Before you decided on the residential home that your mums in now
Monday we are checking 2 homes out maybe 3 not sure what we should be looking for maybe i should make that one a separate post


Hi Sandy.

In case you need it , one of the bibles out there on care homes … almost an A - Z , including the kitchen sink :

Care homes | Information and Advice | Age UK

I will assume CHC / NHS Nursing Care is NOT an option ?

Thank you chris i will check that out tonight … no the social worker at the hospital was adimment that dad would have to go into a nursing home the care agency that was looking after dad at home pulled out due variable moods obviously didnt feel the need to let the family know

… which just leaves the consideration of CHC / NHS Nursing Care.

Offered / declined … even considered ?

We were lucky. One day, out of the blue Mum said “I’ve had enough of struggling, find me a Home near M” (my big brother). There were only 3 in the area, one outside the town but she wanted to be to walk to church and shops, so that left 2 . One was small only 9 residents and she wanted company. So the third which was large and near town centre it was. Luckily they had a room come available the very next week. She was in and moved within the month. She is self funding so I think they wanted her too.
Go for the one with the kindest staff. Facilities dont matter so much, few of the residents use them