New to the group

Hi I am a new member to the group. My Aunt has dementia and is 82 she has no children and my sister and I are trying our best to take care or her we are finding the mood swings and the arguements hard to cope with. We also visit our mum on a regular basis who is in a nursing home with slight brain damage and mobility issues.

We are trying to put help in place for my aunt such as Carers at tea time as we are worried about her eating, however we are finding the balance between trying to help her and keep her independent. Any advice would be much appreciated



Hi Tracy, welcome to the forum.

it would help if you could tell us a bit more about your aunt, to help us give best advice.

Does she live in her own home, or rent it?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
Does anyone have Power of Attorney?
Does she claim Attendance Allowance?
Does she claim exemption from Council Tax on the grounds of Severe Mental Impairment?

Tracy, as well as what BB has posted, I would say the following - as you will probably already be aware, dementia is a ‘progressive’ illness (a bitterly ironic term - it is actually ‘regressive’ in its impact on the patient), and it will worsen inexorably. Eventually, unless ‘something else’ kills your aunt (eg, stroke, heart attack etc), the dementia WILL kill her.

By the time it does she will be in a dreadful state. She will be bedbound, unable to talk, doubly incontiendent and barely aware of her surroundings. This has just happened before Xmas to my poor MIL. It took less than five years to turn her from someone at 89 completely capable of living an independent life in her own home (400 miles away) to someone who could not even feed herself, etc etc.

I say this to point out to you that laudable as it is to want, very naturally, your aunt to remain as independent as she can for as long as she can, you are ‘fighting time’ …as in, whatever your efforts to slow down the dementia (and it can sometimes be ‘muted’ or ‘moderated’ perhaps) at some point, the above will happen.

so you do need, sadly, to ‘think ahead’ for when the grim time comes when she will need 24x7 care, and most likely this can only be provided in a nursing home (sadly, you know this already for your poor mum).

so whatever plans you make, they are only and can only be temporary, and long term planning is going to be needed from the off.

Any chance, by the way, whether your aunt could (when the time comes) be in the same nursing home as your mum? Would that work at all do you think? it would be nice if it could!

Hi thanks for responding

She lives in a ground floor flat that she owns,
No she doesn’t
Yes I have POA And also registered as her career
Yes she gets the full amount
Yes full exemption

I know the journey is going to get harder just looking for tips and information, for example we have just introduced the first set of Carers and she is very resistant to this has anyone found a good way to introduce them

Thanks Jenny I know she will deteriorate my dad passed away from vascular dementia in 2016. I was wondering if you have any strong opinion about the memory tablets they take I am not sure if they help and they seem to make her feel sick all the time



Good to hear that she is getting all the financial help she is entitled to.
As she has under £23,000 in savings, then Social Services will fund part or all of her care needs, subject to a financial Assessment.
She should then be told that either Social Services provide the care she needs OR she is given the option of Direct Payments, which you could be in charge of. If she would prefer “help with cleaning” once a week, then that could be arranged.

Think about what you are currently doing for her, what you would like someone else to do instead, and then think the best way of someone else doing it instead. Maybe a holiday for you, or a pretend bad arm so you introduce someone else to carry the shopping. Having the carer there when you are there, just for the first visits, might help, with you disappearing for longer periods and leaving the carer on her own?

The more help she accepts, the longer she can stay in her home. Then if she went into residential care, her home would have to be sold to pay for her care. Would she be able to understand this?

Would she be happier with


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