When I was in hospital the little old lady opposite me. She was in a residential home .it was £6,000 a month. Appartently it was a pub that was converted into a home. Her son told me it was more like a hotel .he said she had her own room with her own furniture in . It had her own bathroom. Every evening they had events on ,and in the summer in the gardens they had garden parties. Some of the people said laughing could you book me in. lol.
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@Teddybear , it’s nice to see this is one of a handful of homes looking after people. But £6000 pm…
Yes I know. I think it’s somewhere in Stockport. I think it was a big pub and it was converted into a care home.they should not be that amount of money. This world has just got more and more money oriented and it is so sad.
@RootyTooty BIG hugs. As someone who’s been told that I was blocking visits and making things difficult for people to help, I can imagine a little of what you’re going through. I don’t have siblings - pros and cons to that!
There’s lots of great advice that everyone’s shared.
I just wanted to chip in and say I hear you. You and Evelyn have done your best to recruit family help, to meet your Mum’s needs, when your Mum herself isn’t appreciating things. I know many friends on the forum understand how frustrating that is!
I’ll just say, for your own health and Evelyn’s if a ball gets dropped or a spinning plate smashes it is NOT your fault. There’s only so much you, as a perfectly imperfect human, can do!
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Hi, thank you for all oof your lovely replies, its really appreciated.
Mum did not break her hip, she has severe osteoarthritis , and had been waiting for this op for quite a long time (despite being eventually referred as urgent).
Anyway, my daughter spent 1.5 hours on the phone to social care yesterday, trying to sort something out . But then the nice lady rang back and said my mum had declined care when she rung her, Mum saying “my family support me”. And as she has mental capacity, they cannot take it any further and closed down the referral.
We went over to my mums and tried to explain that we were burnt out and we wanted to support her, but need more help, but she ended up getting all upset and decided we were saying we didnt want to help her anymore and that she has been a burden. She just didnt listen and even told us that she had been suicidal (I understand that life has been difficult for her in so much pain and so incapacitated) and that only the thought of her family has kept her going.
Now we feel like the bad guys, my daughter is soo upset. She spent 7 hours on Thursday doing stuff for her grandma, and she got shouted at several times. Also, she is moving away at the end of the month, so it will just be me.
Mum also said that younger daughter had offered to come up this weekend, but she said for her not to, as she has enough problems of her own.
I’ve decided that I am just letting my mum do whatever she decides, because she will anyway. Like if she leaves her door unlocked, there is nothing I can do. Whes not doing her physion (I’ll do it when I feel stronger), then once IVe said, you should do it, its up to her. Im just too worn down with it all.
My nephew went yesterday and said that his Grandma had sung out praises about how good we have been. Well, that’s all nice, its like the banging of pots for the NHS, it doesn’t change anything.
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Many of us know what it feels like to be disappointed by other members of your family and their response to the situation you find yourself in. I have been really surprised how some relatives distance themselves from their ‘loved ones’ . You are not moaning, you are venting, we support you.
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Hello Rooty Tooty.
Sorry your having such a hard time.had an idea don’t know if they will work. Councils have booklets on care could you not get them to send her some so she could look through them. Another thing that might help is with your daughter moving away. Couldn’t say to her your daughter is moving away.and so it is going to be to much for you on your own.that she needs some others to help with you because now there is only one person and just say it’s to much I’ve got to do all at my house to.so you would be really helping me mom if we could get some other help to. Perhaps if she sees some leaflets to read. And with your daughter moving away.thats one less to help. Would wording it like that help. I’ve got abit lost did she have her hip done and they found she had osteoarthritis. Or has she not had her hip done.and has osteoarthritis.i hope the information I left was some help about shopping etc.you want to be careful. Your daughter is moving away. Your young sister was going to come up.she told her not to as she has enough on ,and singing your praises to him. Well don’t you have enough to do to. Somehow you have to get mom to see that you have things to do. Or the next thing is your going to be I’ll. you already said your burnt out.tell her your feeling ill all a lot for one and your feel ill. Tell her when family want to go let them come don’t tell them not to. Then you can have a rest. You need a happy medium ,so family come to see her so you have a break rest. And someone to come to from social services to help her ,so you can have a break. Say your not a burnen at all , but that if you carry on like this you will get ill. She might understand then. The council have lots of booklets you could ring and ask them to send some. Or I think if you went on your councils website there will be a section where you can get booklets and you fill a form in and tick which ones you want. I hope your mum is ok. I have things like her and I am in a lot of pain. Take care.
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£6000 a month is the average these days. It’s about £1400 a week.
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@Charlesh47, it proves the point that nothing is cheap these days.
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@Ned, @RootyTooty , I agree. Until recently, I was a lone carer. I’ve had days where I want to tear my hair out. My relatives are like that. They only come round when they want something. And that is on both sides of the Irish sea. Don’t be afraid to vent.
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Hi @RootyTooty welcome to the forum and the difficult mothers club. We have several members, @Knitfi @JayneyT @Alison_1970 and I have found it really helpful chatting with them. I have realised that I am not alone!
My Mum is 99, severely sight impaired with cognitive decline, arthritis, and she’s getting more deaf by the day (no I’m not!). She lives on her own in a warden patrolled flat and is really stubborn! I visit twice a week.
This time last year I was at my wits end with her. She was really struggling and had agreed to go to a care home. On the day she needed to commit to the home, she had a full on tantrum meltdown. She couldn’t make the decision and in the end I had to turn down the place at the home. I’d been told she never wanted to see me again and that I never did anything for her.
I wanted to share with you how I am now in a much better position to deal with Mum. I went on a course “caring for dementia carers” run by a company called Promas. They are based in Cornwall, I hope there is something similar near you. They taught me how to better cope with Mum, that by trying to fix everything for Mum and strongly encouraging Mum to do things I was taking away her independence. Now I suggest a possible fix and then leave it, going back to it at a later date. I’ve suggested she get her hearing checked but I’m getting a definite no. Basically, I pick my battles. As the doctor says just because Mum has mental capacity to make decisions, it doesn’t mean they are sensible decisions! They also taught me that I need to look after myself, doing things I enjoy and to not feel guilty when I just don’t have the energy to help Mum.
Secondly, I went on a sleep awareness course run by the NHS. Brilliant! I sleep so much better!
I do a worry diary, in the morning write down what I’m worried about. In the evening write down how the day has been. Made me realise that so much I worry about doesn’t happen or is not as bad as I thought.
I am the only support network that lives locally, but since last year we’ve set up a WhatsApp group with family members and just having that support has helped. Also telling my husband how bad things had got has really helped. They both have their own issues and do what they can. So yes, I get that feeling of being the only one that gets things done.
I still find things difficult with Mum. We spend a lot of time chatting rather than getting on with things, which I still find difficult as I’m a proactive type! However, even during a really bad day last Friday I kept calm and Mum only had a minor tantrum. Mum knows the risk of staying where she is and not going to a care home, but it’s her decision to accept the risks involved. She’s one strong lady.
I wish you all the best with your Mum. Feel feel to vent any time and if you have any questions just ask. There’s a wealth of knowledge and empathy on here. Well done for getting so much done for your Mum. Time to look after yourself too!!
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Welcome @RootyTooty you have found a safe and understanding place. Vent as you need and ask for advice as you need. So much experience here. I am only child of mum 92 years old. I had burn out last June after 10 years post my father’s death of ever more suffocating need for me to do everything. The shopping the finances the medication etc like yourself. She went into a residential home for 3 weeks and possibly permanent but she just sat miserable in her room. So complete waste of funds. She is miserable and lonely wherever she is. Years of trying to get her to go and meet people for friendship - which she says she wants - get all the excuses why she can’t. My son’s thought it was bad she was in the home. Needed to be in her lovely bungalow. It is by the way and has all the bits that help her be I dependant. Of course when she got home the visits stopped and it was me. However I now know she is a covert narcassist. I used to joke she was suffocating me. Been since 3 told to do whatever she wanted to make her happy! Nothing we do is right or good enough. Never told I look nice any comments are the opposite. So I set about informing myself about this condition. How it won’t change how she is incapable of empathy will ignore boundaries etc etc. One of the things she does is say “ oh my daughter will do this”. She plays the martyr or victim little old lady all the time. If I try to pull away to low contact which I have now she starts using other people to shame me to do as she wants me to. I’ve been standing strong. There is a bit of you story that rings bells that your mum may be on the spectrum. They also have one child that gets the roughest time.
So fast forward to now she has had numerous falls since August. She has carers x 4. She has Telecare Alarm which is linked to council and team go out to assess. Also means her care agency are informed. However when it got installed we know she had at least 4 so called falls but it was for attention only. However she did cut her head open and on blood thinners made such a mess of herself the house and was taken in for scans. 4 weeks ago she fell badly and was taken in and a fracture of L5 found. Unsafe discharge a week later lasted day and half then in so much pain and a soaked bed linen and mattress she was back. Another week sent home at11:30am and by 6 another fall ended up son took her to hospital as ambulance went from 2 to 6 hours wait. Fracture of pelvis. So discharge now to rehab then permanent care home. As @bowlingbun has said to me often it’s what she needs now not what wants.
I’m 66 in July. We need to have a life my husband retired 3 years ago we have done nothing every holiday we had mum had a crisis and ruined it. No more it’s hard but please do not let your new husband and you or your daughter be restricted in your own lives
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One tip my counsellor gave me, was to never say to mum. “I can’t BECAUSE……” as that then gave mum the option of checking where she was in the pecking order. Just “I can’t” was all that was needed. As an adult it was MY life to control however I wanted.
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I took to saying to my mum “that’s not something I’m able to do”. No reason or explanation,just that.
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@JayneyT @bowlingbun liking your tips . Getting close to having to do that with Mum too.
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It was life changing for me. I was increasingly resentful about various things, especially brothers living their own lives and dumping everything on me. After learning all the strategies I could have withdrawn more, but then realised I wanted to help mum as I loved her, she didn’t ask to be so disabled, but it meant she just couldn’t do the things she loved. She was incredibly brave throughout some awful situations.
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@HorsyDeb, you can’t go wrong with that advice.