Just wanted to rant really. And see if anyone has any advice. 8 years ago, Mum and Dad asked if they could move in with me. Dad had health issues and wanted to retire early, Mum didn’t want to work anymore either, but they couldn’t afford their house if they couldn’t work. I had a 2 year old, and was pregnant but reluctantly agreed as they promised to help around the house etc and would buy a caravan to live in. Well…none of that ended up happening and living together proved to me a nightmare! Dad helped around the house but Mum refused to do anything, and refused to contribute to the house at all. Dad’s health deteriorated and ended up really stressfull as i needed to assist him in the night with nebulizer and regular ambulance trips. he ended up passing away at home which still upsets me now and my 2 children. After dad passed Mum became increasingly difficult, does not move form the sofa, makes a mess that i have to tidy up when i get home from work. she has mobility issues, but she was always told she needs to keep moving by doctors and physios etc. She has diabetes but continues to eat cakes and things she shouldn’t and doing weird things like eating my children’s sweets and food and denying it even though it could only be her. She doesn’t seem to care that not looking after her diabetes is going to cause big issues. It was at the point i was uncomfortable at home and just constantly annoyed. my marriage and my general mood was always being effected and still is.
2 months ago she fell at home and broke her hip. Normal people would be on their feet the next day the doctor said but my mum was in hospital 2 weeks pretty much not getting out of bed. hospital sent her home anyway and it was a nighrmare. she actually needed care, she couldn’t get up and down the stairs herself and was using a zimmer frame to drag herself to the toilet. couldn’t get herself dressed. I ended up calling social services who came round and put adaptions in place. all extensions on the toilets (which makes it hard for my little daughter to now get on the toilet) and said she needs carers, but mum refused because of course she wants me to look after her! I work full time, so was finding it exhausting going to work, picking kids up from school. taking kids to clubs after school, coming home and looking after Mum. One night i wanted to go to bed but mum didn’t want to and she would be ok going up herself, so i left her downstairs. When i was in bed i heard a racket and found mum fallen over again. I couldn’t get her up myself so got my husband up, who helped me get her up to bed. Mum said she wasn’t feeling great so said we would call doctors in the morning. Well, it ended up another 3am ambulance call as mum said she couldn’t breathe. she has been diagnosed with fibrosis, bronciatisis and copd. She is now going to be on oxygen when walking around all the time. She is still on hospital now, it’s coming on 5 weeks. she has had pneumonia while being in there, ecoli. water infections. I have told the hospital under no circumstances can they send her home if she needs care as i work full time and have children. i literally had a breakdown. haven’t been eating and sleeping. i have lost over a stone in weight! the hospital obviously think im a horrible daughter and keep tryin to push to send her home. they are now telling my mum that she is medically fit but its because they need to order care for her that is keeping her there because i wont look after her. they have also said carers might not come at all since i have a dog, and they also wont do weekends. so who looks after people of weekends if they didnt have family? because she lives with me its just expected that im going to look after her and i dont have a choice! it’s not fair. My sister has a choice, she can only come round when she wants to which is like 1 hour a week! I’m so full of anxiety, i don’t want her home at all if i’m honest! i really think our relationship would be so much better if we didn’t live with each other. I just want to concentrate on being a mum and a wife now as i haven’t been able to do that for 8 years. Having carers in throughout the day is going to be disruptive to my family and won’t have any privacy at all! my kids are also very nervous about having nanny back home. I really feel stuck and not sure what i can do. if you made it this far, thank you for listening
It is your home. Mum has NO RIGHT TO LIVE THERE!
That is the “bottom line”. They must accept this. I had real problems with mum’s last discharge. The hospital wanted to send her back to her house to live entirely alone when she was bed bound, not even able to roll over by herself. I told the hospital I would keep both her inner and outer front doors locked, and I was the only one with a key to the inner door. It was all horrible, but finally they realised they couldn’t bully me and mum moved into a care home.
Look after yourself, emotionally it was awful. If necessary write a letter to the CEO of the hospital and say that under no circumstances can mum live with you any more.
PS Arrange for all the aids to be returned asap!
Thank you for your reply. I spoke to the ward matron last week, and told them i can’t have Mum home anymore and explained my situation. and they went and told my mum ‘your daughter doesn’t want you anymore, she said she doesn’t want you at home ever again. So we are marking you as homeless and you could be placed anywhere in the country’. it caused my mum so much distress obviously. although i don’t want mum home i don’t want her placed in a hostel somewhere as they don’t think she is severe enough to need a home. And upset me that it was worded this way to her. I spoke to a charity that support carers to get advice. they advised me to get mum home with care package in place and get a care assessment done, i just feel they are going to keep pushing for her to be cared for at home as she is still semi mobile. I already did a complaint to pals at the hospital who advised that i spoke to the ward matron in the first place. But think a complaint may need to be done higher up your right. it’s so difficult because, my mental health is not ok, and It’s already effecting my job. if i lose my job ill loose my house anyway so we will all be homeless
@Mumof2…I’m so sorry to read everything you’ve been through and are going through. Stay strong and stand your ground and keep refusing to have mum home. Mum needs more help than you can give her and you also have a life to live. My mum and dad moved in with myself and husband a few years ago, luckily my parents though elderly aren’t too bad though dad is frail having had a stroke 12 years ago, they’re both 86. My husband though had severe mobility problems which got much worse 2 years ago. He spent 7 months in hospital/then a physio rehab. Initially the hospital were pushing to send him home bedbound with carers (I also work full time). I pushed for him to go to rehab which he did. Unfortunately when he came home he refused to work with the physio team to the point they withdrew their service after a week. He had carers doubled up 4 times a day and refused to do anything to help himself. The stress was horrendous, we ended up having a big argument and he called social services who moved him into a care home. He told me he didn’t want to be friends with me because I told him I couldn’t/wouldn’t live with him again and is now divorcing me. He’s just got himself moved into assisted living with carers 3 times a day. It’s either going to work or go badly wrong and he’ll end up back in a care home again. I think what I’m trying to say by explaining the above is that it’s too much for you to have mum home and you need to do what’s right for you otherwise you won’t be able to cope.
The nurse was totally out of order, I’d complain that she shared a private conversation and lied to your mum. The correct procedure would probably be to contact Social Services who would place mum locally, not anywhere!
If your parents didn’t contribute to the household, at a very modest £100 a week each, that’s roughly £10,000 a year, they owe you.
Ha
Oh gosh it sounds like you have had a stressful time! They just don’t realise the stress it puts on us carers and if we burn out…then everything falls apart! I’ll keep trying to stand my ground. My mum keeps asking to come home and I have told her if it’s too much we will have to find somewhere else for her. I know for a fact she won’t make the effort to get herself mobile again so she won’t cope with the stairs while carrying oxygen tank.
@Mumof2…..it wasn’t great. It’s not easy ti stand your ground I know but if she comes home and you can’t cope then it will be a lot harder to try to get anyone to help with regard to her moving out as they will think she’s in a safe environment as you’re there and there’s no rush to do anything different. Whilst she’s in hospital and bed blocking they will have to look at re housing her as a priority. Say strong!
Please don’t feel guilty. You have a responsibility to look after yourself and your young family. Stand your ground and refuse. Social Services need to step in at this point.
Can only echo the others…so hard to get alternative care/accomodation sorted if you allow her home. I know it is hard but you really have to stay strong for your own mental health and that of your family. If they think they can bully you into providing care even if it is at the detriment of your own mental health they will. Keep posting and we will support you here.
@Mumof2 You are well within your rights to say “I cannot do this” and to ask for others to take on the caring load. The ward matron was out of order to talk about you like that - although I would add the caveat that I’m assuming that this is what you heard and not what your mum has told you. If the latter, that could just be her interpretation with a little twist to increase the guilt.
Frankly, it sounds like youv’e done more than enough caring - especially with everything else you’re doing. Take good care of yourself - and stick to your guns!
Thank you. The guilt is awful! I’ll be giving social services a call tomorrow.
Thank you. The nurses at the hospital really made me feel awful so saying i can’t look after her. I’ll give social services a call tomorrow
Yes i explained to my sister i have been doing this alone for so long, and she never steps in to help. It was my mum that told me, so i think your absolutely right my mum has probably exaggerated it as that it what she is like. I’ll be giving social services a call tomorrow
@Mumof2…I know what you mean. When I was fighting to get my husband moved from the hospital to the physio rehab centre I was called into a meeting with me, a dr, a nurse and a physio and the dr was really horrible to me. She actually apologised at the end of the meeting. The guilt is awful and the feeling that it’s you against them.
What are you guilty of?
Did you make mum ill? Of course not!
If mum didn’t have you living nearby they would have to sort things out for her, somewhere.Mum has TWO daughters, tell them to talk to your sister!
Your children have a right to a happy mum with energy and time to take them on holidays, swimming, cycling etc.
They should not be expected by the hospital to miss out an all this because their grandmother is ill!
Somewhere on the CUK website you should find the official hospital discharge procedures.
All being ignored in your case!
Guilty that my home has been hers for 8 years i guess and im telling her i dont want her living there anymore. but i suppose she has just been lucky for those 8 years, i should look at it that way. exactly no one is giving my sister any stress!
IF mum and dad had done what they said they would, especially paying their way, my view might be slightly different, but they have abused your kindness for eight years.
It should be MUM feeling guilty, not you!
So I realised i forgot to update you all. I phoned social services who said they cannot do anything until Mum is home so they can do a care assessment. they were quite insistent with that. They logged everything and gave me a ref number and told me to call back and quote the ref when she is home and they will come round and do the assessment. I then called imago, charity i have been speaking to, and she confirmed that is correct. i got upset and said it feels like i am going to get Mum sent home and then get left to it again but the lady assures me i wont and that i will be supported 
@Mumof2 SS are so inundated right now that it could take time to get a Carers Assessment sorted and then implemented. If they offer a Care Package of say 2 hours care a day, YOU are forced to care for the other 22 hours day and night. I frankly would REFUSE to have her home. Make an appointment with your GP and say that it would affect YOUR mental health and you are just not willing or able to look after her.
Hopefully others’ will come along with better advice but it might be worth contacting the Carers Helpline and/or your local ‘Support for Carers’.
If the house is in YOUR name then surely you cannot be made to care and have NO legal obligation to accept her back? Might be worth contacting a solicitor. Please do not be bullied into having her home.
The imago people are my local carers support people. they are the ones saying that social services are correct in what they are saying that they need to do an assessment when she is home. They have offered a package of care for 3 times a day as i have said they need to assume she lives alone as i will not be doing any caring and they recon thats what they will be offering to her if she lived alone. I have put this in writing to the hospital aswell and to social services. i’ve also told Mum i won’t be doing any caring. I just don’t have the heart to say i’m not bringing her home at all as they have said they will place her in a hostel anywhere they find a place and that’s just horrible.