New and needing some advice

Hi I’m new here and hoping someone might have some advice that could help. Sorry for the long story just want to give a clear picture, it could be longer I’m just highlighting lol.
I’m a mum of 4 ages 13, 12, 9 and 3 my 12 year old has ASD, ADD and challenging behaviour. My 9 year old is also waiting assessment as we are experience extremely challenging behaviour also which I have been expressing concerns for the last 3 years to health professionals and my sons disability social worker. My 3 year old daughter has a list of allergies and eczema which caused big sleep problems which have resulted in a horrible sleep pattern.
I coped for years by myself with my three boys as a single mum. My parents and sister would help out babysitting to give me a break to go to karate or when I started dating again and social work had a carer in place for my son once a week for 3 hours and my oldest had a befriended who took him out for a couple hours once a fortnight. Once I met my new partner family support slowed down after j had my daughter and is now non existent which puts a major strain on my relationship with my partner not to mention my mental health.

I myself have suffered with depression on and off since I was 17. I’m now 34 so half of my life. I have also just very recently discovered that my anxiety that I noticed after I had my daughter 3 years ago is actually social anxiety I have actually had since I was a child and just not realised, thought it was normal to think like me, apparently it’s not.
My sons social worker arranged for babysitters once a month for 4 hours which my previous CPN said was not enough and that was when my parents were still taking the kids one night a month. I don’t even have that any more.
The boys don’t have contact with their biological dad or anybody from his side and have no wish too and my partners parents aren’t able to help either as he is their carer.
My depression this time is not shifting at all like the other times. I have body imaging issues is all I know how to describe it without going into it too much. After having my daughter. Issues I can’t fix myself and I think that’s what’s making it harder to get over this time and also why my anxiety is thro the roof. Especially when I am caring for my sons and all the appointments for them, myself and my parter.

Does anybody know if what I am getting would be described as being the appropriate amount of help. Cause I have absolutely no help anymore from family and no friends I could ask.

Thanks in advance for any help or advice anyone might have.

My seocn son, now 39,son has severe learning difficulties due to brain damage when he was born, undiagnosed for years. During that time I was called a “bad mother”!
You CANNOT deal with your son’s challenging behaviour, and everyone else, without a lot of support, or boarding education.
When did your children with special needs last have a Needs Assessment, and you, a Carers Assessment. You don’t need babysitters, you need regular time off from caring.

I can’t even begin to imagine the stress you are under having three out of four children with special needs…how intensely worrying for you. I’m not surprised in the least you are finding it hard to cope. I’m sorry to hear that the biological father of the eldest is such a waste of space, but I’m glad you have a partner currently, even if they are stressed as well…

As Bowling Bun says, it may be time to run through all the help (such as it is) that you ARE getting currently, to see whether any more is available. You won’t need us to tell you how pitiful the support is for parents with special needs children, let alone three of them.

I hope your daughter’s eczema starts to ease. My niece had it very badly when little, but it is loads better now. Diet is everything. But it can be very hit and miss working out which foods trigger flare ups etc. And when they are little it’s so hard to teach them not to keep scratching etc.

How is your eldest coping with it all? I think you didn’t mention he has any particular issues, but of course, with three younger sibligns with care needs, that in itself is stressful for him. I hope his school is supportive, and understands the difficulties on the home front. It’s so easy for the ‘healthy’ child to be ‘sidelined’ (very understandably, sigh) and he may have grown up thinking he was ‘less important’ than the others, which in itself can trigger problems in behaviour and his emotions. I do hope this is not so. How do the boys get on with their stepdad?? I hope that’s a good supportive relationship.

I most definitely take my hat off to you for coping AT ALL with this highly difficult and ongoing stressful situation…you are quite clearly a devoted mother…

Kindest wishes in a very difficult situation…Jenny

Hi Clair … curiosity … did you post on the SCOPE forum a few months back.

Very similar situation which attracted very few replies ?

In 14 years on the forums , your situation is one of the most difficult I have come across.

Your children are probably entitled to Legal Aid, as the authority is not doing what it should. My son has been granted legal aid, it CAN still be done, despite what a lot of people say!

Simply Google “legal aid” together with the nearest large town to where you live. It’s much easier letting a solicitor bully Social Services rather than trying to do it yourself.

The solicitor will need to see the last Needs Assessment for each child. I’m not sure of the current terminology for under 16’s still at school, I think it may the the Education and Health Support Plan or similar.

Just ring the solicitors you choose and ask them. Don’t be frightened or intimidated if you’ve never used one before. My own experience is that they are both kind and caring.

Thanks Bowlingbun I’m thinking it was possibly 2 years ago if that’s actually what it was if not it would have been when he was 5 which was 7 years ago!! Our social worker recently moved to a different department in July and we have been left with just the duty worker to help who doesn’t know us and straight away made a comment about it being a shame he wouldn’t be able to have the same relationship with us as our last social worker did. Infact the only reason we have had contact with him is because of my youngest son that has extremely challenging behaviour. I had been mentioning to my social worker for years I needed help with him not to mention health professionals that just put it all down to my mental health issues and not taking my concerns seriously. Then over the summer he started making up stories again like he has done for ages. He’s always saying his brothers are hitting him and just making stuff up. He also winds everyone up I’m sure just to see their reactions. And when it comes down to whoever is looking after him, me in particular well he will argue with you from the moment he gets up till he goes to bed. Well one day he made up the wrong story and told his children’s worker. The children’s worker Who I asked for him to have so he had someone to talk to. I thought it would help well I’d didnt and she went straight to social work. It was a nightmare although he did eventually tell the truth but they have told me I need to wait until February before we can talk and look into self direct payments to see if that is at all possible for us. Everything is just way to much atm and now I’m kinda scared to even approach social work.

Thanks jenny. Oh I know it took ages and almost a mental breakdown to get the little help I am getting.
My oldest is such a great help honestly don’t know what I would do without him. I have always tried my hardest to make sure he never felt less important. Managed to get him a befriended when he was 9 which lasted a few years. He loved that and always use to get his time away with grandparents when they helped out. He’s also just back from Italy with his school which I was determined he was going on cause he deserves some time away. His school he’s at we’ll I’m not exactly happy with them to say the least he has dyslexia and he done almost the whole of his first year (last year) without any help even tho I was assured everything was in place.

The boys relationship with their stepdad has always been really good altho we are going thro it atm with their bio dad. After almost 5 years since he stopped Contact he’s taking me to court next week for access. Which none of the kids want they have been let down way to much and remember what he was like when he was there.

Hi no that wasn’t me. Do you possibly have a link to it? Thanks

Sheer luck … within a minute … and given the traffic over there :

Im a mum of 4 amazing children - feeling totally alone — Scope | Disability forum

It MAY help ?

Lack of replies … no excuse for that … especially on SCOPE !

Thanks again I’ll go take a look