Newbie anxious for son

Hi I’m new on here. Just looking for anyone to chat to about my situation. My 28 year old son has mental health issues and refuses to get help. I’m exhausted and anxious. There’s no help unless there’s a crisis so it’s like waiting for one.
It’s over two years and I’m wearing down.

Hi & welcome

Many people will relate to how you are feeling. It’s not a nice place to be and I do feel for you!

Unfortunaly and sadly when people close to us refuse help. There is little we can do if a person will not engage with us. We have to arm ourselves with help for us. To be able to with stand the strain and pressure of the situation.

You are helping your son you are there for him. For when he lets you into his world. Are you aware of Mind UK

Are you attached to a carers group in your area.

Thank you for your reply. Yes I’ve contacted Mind and MHM. There isn’t a carers group I can go to near me I think it’s due to covid.
I’m feeling resentful sometimes, he won’t sign on so money is a worry too and I’m anxious to work full time as my confidence isn’t good.
I feel manipulated but so scared for him. He believes completely in his own world and some of the charities I’ve rang have said it’s best to tell him if he won’t get help them leave or I should let him know how it’s affecting me but I can’t.

What do you think by having a conversation with your son. Could be the worse possible outcome. He has a responsibility to take control of his life. How he chooses to life is his prerogative. As long as it doesn’t effective other people. However, if he lives at home he should at the very least contribute to the finances. This maybe hard to read but if you were no longer around. He would have to get benefits or employment.

Did the charities you spoke too talk about you are enabling your son.

Hello Anivad, I sympathise with you. My son is 27 years old and has mild Aspergers. He has never been able to hold down any job. He does claim ESA. He is taking anti depressants and anti anxiety pills.
Does your son have any friends or family?
My son has a few friends but hasn’t seen them for months due to the Covid restrictions.

Hi Anivad,

Welcome to the forum!

I’m sorry to hear that you are exhausted and anxious due to the difficult situation you are currently going through. Are you currently an unpaid carer for your son? If so Carers UK may be able to help give you some advice and support regarding things like:
Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions

If you would like some advice surrounding these topics you can contact Carers UK via:
Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (

Best Wishes,


Hi all, thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate them. SunnyD yes we’ve been through all that, the talking but he has a hard time with it as he believes in his own world and nothing else matters. When he feels a bit better he feels guilty. As he won’t get help yet I haven’t got a diagnosis but there seem to be elements of maybe schizophrenia or bipolar? Or both?
The other lady with son with Asperger’s ( I’ve come into ’ reply’ and can’t remember names sorry) thank you and I feel for you, it’s heart wrenching isn’t it? You want them to be like anyone else and get on in life but it’s Not that easy, we have to manage as best we can.
He hasn’t spoken to his friends since this started and he has an Aunty my sister and Grandma whose 80 and they both live 60 odd miles away and with covid, no visits. I think she’ll come soon but I don’t think he’ll talk to her but she’ll try.
It really is like a crisis has to happen before he can get professional help.
I’ve been trying to persuade him ( wait for a good time) but he won’t. He’s obviously scared and overwhelmed.
I need to keep myself ok otherwise I can’t stay strong that’s the thing.
Thanks for replies sorry it took a while to get back.
Thinking of you all.

Just wanted to say, yes it does feel like I’m enabling him. Which is the most terrible feeling in the world, that I’m letting it happen. I really can’t make him leave and never would and I’ve tried every other approach, if I say it’s affecting me he’ll be annoyed but then upset and sorry.
I’ve read a lot about these conditions that it could be and apparently this is common. There’s no harder I can get other than not getting food in, I’m never going to resort to those methods, he’s obviously ill and needs my support.
I am unpaid caring as there’s no diagnosis but thank you for the info, I might ring the number anyway.


So sorry to hear about your son. It must be so hard.

If you can’t get your son to accept help how about seeking help for yourself? I have just self-referred to NHS talking therapies to try and help me cope better with my caring role. Why not google if this is available in your area or ask you GP? It might help to have someone else to talk to in order for you to go on? It might give you confidence to take on more work and ease your financial worries. Doesn’t solve the problems with your son, but might help?

You can also contact Social Services for a carers assessment regardless of whether your son has a diagnosis or wants help himself. They might be able to put you on touch with carers support locally. Or enable you to get a break for yourself and pursue activities you would like to?

At the very least please keep logging on here as there will always be sympathetic ears to listen.

Hi Sally
Thanks so much. I contacted iapt last August but I had nowhere to be private on phone, I said I’d walk round the park and talk! But they wouldn’t do it. I will ring today. I should be able to see them I bet now. Thanks. Ok I’ll ring about carers assessment too.
I talked to him a bit yesterday, small, small steps at least I think I feel bit more logical.
Thanks all for your help and advice.

Just wanted to say, yes it does feel like I’m enabling him. Which is the most terrible feeling in the world, that I’m letting it happen

You should not feel terrible your are a mother and want to do your best and protect your son. The reason I raised the question was to see if you had recognised it maybe an issue. I would certainly not suggest or expect you to turn your son out of the family home. What I was trying to convey at some point in the future. Your son with have to make his own life decisions. To stop enabling can be a long process of retreating little by little. There is no immediate time line to disengaging.

Thanks Sunny D I Know what you are saying, I think it’s one of those things we know but isn’t easy. My mother had MH issues and my dad loved her and tried his best but sometimes when you’re worn down I guess you lose yourself and can’t keep strong to set boundaries etc.
I have an older son who hasn’t experienced MH illness and has successfully got on with his life and is making his way.
I think the age of onset is half of the trouble, it’s such a shock. A little boy with no problems from birth, through school, girlfriends, exams, college, very intelligent, loving, funny and then Bam!! About age 25/6 total change. It really is a shock, to them as well. Scary for them. I feel scared for him and his future and sorry I can’t persuade him to talk to a doctor.
Maybe time and me being stronger will help.

Good for you for feeling a bit more logical. It is hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes, isn’t it? Definitely give IAPT a go again. Even if you have to lie and say you have a private space. Best of luck, it isn’t easy. x