My Mother's situation

No matter how much I am involved in my Mother’s care, as she wants me to; those involved can’t handle my involvement. Adult Care services disapprove, the Care Agency disapprove tough, it’s not about them!

So I have written the following email…they need to go swivel instead of finding fault with me.

FOR THE ATTENTION OF - ‘named A-hole’

Hi there,

After all this time and me emailing my very valid concerns of how the ‘care agency’ conduct themselves towards me, I hoped you’d have the courtesy of respecting my involvement in my Mother’s care. Your all obvious disapproval of me stepping out of line (your interpretation) proves only on your insistence of invalidating my Mother’s right to her own family carer’s involvement. Whatever procedures you have place should not interfere, and actually need to work alongside my involvement in my Mother’s care – as my Mother wants me involved.

My Mother comes first, not your non-sense procedures – kindly respect that and if you can’t refrain from further harassment.

You need to learn to appreciate, and not condemn me at every point. Is that all you get paid for? We need to work together for my Mother’s sake, and not for you to lord it over.

I’d appreciate your consideration on the above, and not for you to find fault, just coz of your position – at the end of the day you are still a human being.

Would it really hurt you that badly for us to work together, like my Mother want…? No!


Ps I phoned ‘care agency’ to speak with ‘their owner’ to stress the importance that ‘care manager’ agreed with myself (during the meeting you all insist that I follow the exact same rule that were all agreed with her) for all Carers to be phoning me for me to then phone either the GP or District Nurse; as my Mother still wants me involved, no matter what you all insist – she still has that right. So there shouldn’t be one rule for one, and now they’ve changed – coz if they have then I have every right to phone ‘care agency’ when I need. You’re all making up nonsensical rules to prevent me caring for my own Mother – says a lot of knumbskulls!

Coz when the going gets tough… And I live on my stress…Only thing left is to push back…I’ve had enough of being bullied when I was a child, ain’t standing for that nonsense now!

What is it that you are doing that they don’t like??!!!

Usually, the council etc are only too eager for family to do as much as possible! Why not in your case?

As for ‘rights’…from what I read here, if your mum is still legally competent, then she has a right to choose her own companions and her own care etc etc…BUT, that might possibly be overridden on ‘safeguarding’ grounds, and ‘best interests’???

Others here know this tricky area better than me.

The council insist since my Mother has mental capacity, that they go off what she wants. They take advantage that my Mother has Dementia. They have procedures in place to suit themselves - expecting me to go along or else they tell me off like I’m a spoilt child.

Even with me family and having POA they constantly choose to over-ride, manipulate me to the extent of stressing me out and them blaming me coz they don’t like my involvement. I’m constantly fobbed off.

I have similar problems with my son with LD. Especially social workers who have only known my son a couple of months trying to tell me what he does or does not like!

I’m the one he would always choose to support him, sadly I can’t full time due to health issues, but I know that I’m the one person he can trust to do the best for him.

It’s so sad that it’s claimed family carers save xxxxx million, but yet we cannot get the respect we deserve when we don’t even get paid; is my gripe. How these ‘professional’ sleep at night is beyond me :angry: Wish there was a Carers Minister we could go to, but then they’d never have a life with us banging down there door with one thing or another.

As to Carers’ Assessments, which is what I get fobbed off with as the answer. They aren’t worth the effort :confused:

If she DOES have dementia, even if it is not severe enough right now for her to lose legal capacity, at some point it WILL be severe enough - and she won’t be allowed to make decisions for herself. Have you got PoA for Health and Welfare lined up so YOU can legally make those decisions? That would empower you and disempower the authorities (unless they claim something like Best Interests etc??)

Yes I have Power of Attorney for Health & Welfare. I’m keep hoping my Mother has the confidence to tell whoever that she wants me to act on her behalf. But all officials don’t bother asking her, and claim that she doesn’t want me involved, causing me more problems. Like they’re more interested in aggravating things :confused:

MUM has given you POA, she has therefore made it very clear that in the event of her frailty, then you are the most trusted person she has.
Under these circumstances, I’d remind the carers of this fact. It may be the dementia speaking now, mum may not feel able to speak up for herself, which is exactly why she gave you POA to speak up on her behalf.

What exactly are the issues that the LA’s carers are bullying you over? Are they refusing to work with you as a double up? Is it the hours they are keeping or not keeping which is upsetting you? Are they doing an inadequate job or accusing you of not caring correctly between their visits? What has upset you so much? Carers should certainly respect family and work with them and not against them. Remind us of some of the “issues” with the carers and we can help a bit more.

The local authority’s commissioning team and the care agency side together against me to keep me on a very tight leash coz the care agency’s care manager deem her ‘precious’ carers far more important to me. I’m having to go through the commissioning team for ‘non urgent’ issues on a regular basis, and can only approach the precious care agency about what they class as urgent.

There was a meeting a couple of years ago now, where the care agency had the social worker on side threatening to withdraw my Mother’s large care package, coz of what they accused me of my ‘behavior’; when it’s the carers that are sub-standard. I had to agree to their terms. One being, I was only go over to my Mother’s house when the carers weren’t there, there were episodes where the carers were given permission to literally lock me out - of my own Mother’s house. They knew full well I mind my own business putting the washing machine on, do the ironing etc. But I had to stay in my freezing car for the carers to leave. A dog doesn’t get treated the way have. Sick to the back teeth of how these morons take the liberty :confused:

Things could very well calm down, but even with so much time having passed and no follow up as I was assured. They expect me to go through the commissioning team what they insist are ‘non-urgent issues’. And still things end up where the commissioning team police my involvement how things go, as opposed to what needs to happen. I’m not a child; I turned 50 on Monday.

There was actually an issue some time back, where my Mother’s allocated social worker at the time manipulated things where he went over to my Mother’s house together with my Mother’s so-called advocate; and concocted a story of my Mother wanting to go into a care home. I rearranged the meeting. On that particular day my Mother was in bed unwell and didn’t want to see the social worker. He was very aggressive with me, literally demanding him and the advocate hear it from my Mother direct - even though my Mother shouted for them to go away.

My Mother doesn’t need all this. I have tried to find help to sort things, but no-one’s interested.

I’m also trying to sort out my Mother CHC issue. I have contacted my Mother’s MP, who’s asked for a review of my Mother’s situation.

I live for my Mother, as the way life is; it ain’t worth it.

It sounds as though things have a bit out of hand all round and relationships have broken down. If you have specific complaints about individual members of staff and you have complained via the management of the care company without anything being resolved you could always try reporting the issues to CQC.
What sort of issues have you raised which they are regarding as “none urgent” and should be raised via social services instead of the agency? It does sound absurd that you are having to wait outside in the car whilst carers are present (unless it is a small property not offering any privacy for personal care?) What reasons have they given for this?

What have they got to hide???

I tried speaking to the own - nothing. CQC don’t want to know. They value their precious carers above me, they don’t acknowledge or respect my involvement and get away with it coz my Mother hasn’t the confidence to speak out since she had the Strokes. Both of us are sick of being bullied by morons who get paid.

Once my Mother’s gone, that’ll give me every right to ends things. Had enough of this life that only benefits those who get paid.

That is a very sad and worrying statement to make! Have you emailed the QCQ? Or written and sent recorded delivery? (Sometimes a phone call just isn’t enough.)I would advice you do so if you haven’t already, and explain how absolutely desperate you are and the feelings you have described to us.
Next step could be your MP. Local newspaper maybe. Tell the QCQ that you will be taking those steps, not in a threatening manner, just that is it the only alternative if they haven’t the courtesy to listen and act on your concerns.
Others will be along I’m sure with more advice and support

I’ve looked up Power of Attorney for Health & Welfare, with regards to when it’s active. Found this:

‘Health and welfare attorneys
As a health and welfare attorney, you make (or help the donor make) decisions’

Which the local authority together with the care agency prevent me doing at all costs. What the blazes is going on? Somewhere along the line I was encouraged to contact the Office of The Public Guardian. Haven’t been able to with so much stress, worried sick they’d be against me as well. As a while ago I refused to pay my Mum’s care fees, as she should be qualifying for Continuing Health Care funding that’d cover all care fees expenses. Which Social Workers all along have caused problems with. Is it worth me phoning as an enquirer, and not give my details? Just this whole business of mental capacity seems to be the sticking point. As my Mum has Dementia/onset of Alzheimers’ but struggles massively. She wants my involvement, just hasn’t the confidence to voice it to them

It’s bad enough my Mum suffered Strokes leaving her with memory problems. But for all professionals concerned to take advantage is CRIMINAL

Hi Butterfly, I understand your urge to withold payment but unfortunately paying care bills and receiving CHC funding are really separate issues. It’s a bit like not paying the paperboy because milk hasn’t been delivered. It probably isn’t doing you any favours with the autrhorities. I’ve heard from BB on here that you can male a retrospective claim to CHC and this would be a better course of action.
I agree with Pet that you sound so distressed as to be worrying and please remember that you need to look after yourself in order to help anyone else. If you are finding things too much to bear please consider ringing the samaritans to talk things through, they can lend a sympathetic ear and help clear your thoughts a bit.

I have court of Protection for my husband. I phone them if I’m unsure of anything. They are the office of public guardian. They are helpful. Could you ask them for a meeting face to face with you? It’s your mother’s best interests they have at heart.

Not sure how you mean bowlingbun, besides their dodgy rules/systems/proceedures. Even with me having POA, they manipulate non-stop.

All I know is the Care Agency chose to deem me as a problem the other year. As there were issues with the Carers which got back to the Agency, so they decided the Carers had to be protected from me in claiming I was ‘abusive’ with their staff. My Mother’s care package was under threat, so the only way of keeping her at home was for them to come down on me, treating me as the scapegoat coz they can. Otherwise my Mother would have gone in a Care Home.

I am also regarded as being a nuisance by some people, but my son’s welfare is my only concern, as your mum’s welfare is to you.

I just don’t understand why the agency won’t work with you, but then I’m just changing my son’s provider again because they are choosing to ignore the care plan agreed long ago. Do not feel that you are the only carer having problems with staff coming into the home.

Personally, I think it’s time CQC grew some teeth, and start investigating individual concerns, like their predecessor, CSCI, did.