Carers are becoming too controlling and abusive

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been online lately. I have been giving a lot of my spare time to covering work events. We also mid move at work, so its been a hectic time.

So the latest news is that mum’s carers have changed and she has new carers whom she does not like. She loved her previous carer and they got on well, however the new one seems my ex-partner’s mother type. (She was a carer) The sort that uses the position to have power over people.

The new carer is just absolutely brutal and is accepting no boundaries. They are forcing my mum and I to throw away our possessions.

They have been told a million times that my room is out of bounds to any carers, but they won’t accept it and keep saying it is a fire risk. My stuff is just in boxes stacked up and they want to throw it away. I have slowly been collecting boxes and selling old items.

Mum has even bought new clothes and they have told her to throw them away.

They are also trying to force my mum to sign power of attorney to access her money. I have paid all her bills on her behalf since January 2021 and she has never had any issues with me doing it.

Is there anything I can do, they are touching my personal things? They have been told to leave it alone many times. I am sorting it, I have just been busy with a move at work which is stressful anyway. They shouldn’t have anyright to go through my things.

Mum also loved her previous carer, and she was encouraged by another support worker to take up charity shop work which she loved and thrived in. Since the carers have changed, she is unable to go.

As if things arent stressful now with work, I have to deal with this.

They have over step boundaries and they role. Ring the police and social services and complain about them. I know where you are coming from, I have been there my self and it is time to stand your ground. Speak to work for sometime off, explain the situation to them. If needs be change the locks on the doors. Don’t lose your rag as you will lose the battle. Ring 101 and explain the situation to the police, it will save you a trip to the police station. Have you got a social worker or someone who can help you? They should not have thrown anything out with your permission, doing that makes them accountable.
Keep us updated

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I just feel like they haven’t consulted me whatsoever and are deciding what to do with my possessions without me. They had my contact number previously especially when they were hounding me because mum wasn’t home and was at job centre for an appointment. They kept ringing me asking where she was and If I could go and get her. I was 25 miles away at work. So they have no excuse, they have my number and so does social services.

Yes I may not live there anymore but it is still my home and was for many years. Mums carer is also been very funny about what we have left of dads possessions too and is forcing her to get rid of them. Those possessions mean a lot to the family, it is his little airfix models. He literally made them. Yes his clothes still remain but it’s a big house, clothes aren’t a fire risk if they are stored neatly as they were. If clothes in wardrobes are a risk then we are all in danger.

I know I have to clear my room out abit, and there are a few things to go but I have been doing it slowly. As for the use of the word fire risk, they can get lost. I wonder if they have ever seen a house fire caused by hoarding, because I bloody well have. I also know people who have died in house fires, and I tell you a few pop vinyls stacked on top of each other was not the problem there. The first person involved literally stored cooking oil everywhere in his home, the other was a sad accident involving a tripped kettle. Last time I checked it was toys, DVDs and plushies in those stacked boxes, not the liquid equivalent of an oil tanker setting off for a delivery to an Asda Petrol station.

I’m now having to go to my mums on Saturday and sort some stuff out before they get their filthy mits on it. Mum had a great rapport with her previous carer and was doing brilliantly, now this one has messed it up again. It took mum real courage to allow carers into her home and now this has happened.

Mum also said she told them to leave my room alone, but they keep getting onto her about it. If they have such a problem they can contact me.

I just feel extremely judged and I feel ashamed because of it. It’s okay for them because they can leave at the end of the day, but I can’t. Ever since dad died, it has been tough. I’m a 26 year old, just trying to make sense of the world and support myself through these times because no one else is.

Maybe they should have abit more compassion and understanding rather than been the stereotypical bull in a China shop carer that thinks they know everything.

I am trying so hard in life to a point where I never stop. Even my boss at work is telling me to take sometime off because I haven’t in a year. I don’t want to because the second I do, I feel shame, that I am not good enough. When I stop, I’m not performing like people expect.

I also feel terrible about my health, and trying to battle my recent diagnosis and get answers over my future. So much stuff dominates my life so is there any wonder that I can’t be on the ball constantly.

I’m a young carer and therefore I will never get the look in that others do. I will always be the “wayward off the rails little daughter that doesn’t do much for her mum” Unfortunately my generation doesn’t know the value of hard work.

In mums care plan, the idea was that they just prompt her to do certain things, and by prompt I mean more assist her to give her confidence. They were supposed to help her cook and clean, due to her mobility issues and issues with her back and arm. They were also just there to provide social support too. However mum tells me that they are forcing her to get a shower. Yes she has difficultues with the shower thanks to her mobility but not so much getting in and out. She doesn’t need someone there.

You need to talk to the Care Quality Commission, this is entirely, totallly, and utterly out of order!

Like bowlingbun has said speak to someone. From read what is wrong with the situation, you are like many young carers who feels like the world is against them. It is not against you, you can only do what you can. Take the time off, have a break but also you need to sort this problem out before it brings you down even further. Your problem does need to be sorted out as by, the sound of it, this carer is trying to take control of your mum but also trying to steal from her, not just getting items out of the house, trying to give them power of attorney but also could be trying to take the house as well without anyone knowing. You need to go to someone like the police to help sort out the problem as there is a case of safeguarding and pova. Don’t be afraid to be a whistle blower as you will be protecting your mum than cause more problems. My parents had a Pa and she was the same as your mum carer as you described her, it took me to have it out with them to get rid of her as she was taking advantage of them.

Please speak to someone. This is very unacceptable. The care company is a disgrace.

I agree.I just cannot believe what these w’s have done. Most specifically one w. It took a lot of courage for mum to accept carers and now it has gone too far to a point where she has lost trust.

Today I went round to my mums after work and the devestation unfolded in the front garden. There were bags of my sisters clothes in the garden. She searched through those bags and found smashed expensive perfume boxes and her jewellery.

She even found a special bear that my dad had bought her just thrown out. I had to console her as she sobbed uncontrollably.

I never see my sister cry so this really hurt. How a piece of metal in a box can construe as a fire risk I don’t know. We went in the house and her bedroom was just a shell. It was like it was an advert for a house listing on right move, void of any personality and almost like no one lived there. It was heart breaking to see our old home reduced to a shell like that.

Mum told us that the carers are even forcing her to throw away her medication because she has a couple of spares which she keeps on hand in case there is a delay at the pharmacy. She explained this but they still want her to throw it away.

They also left her in a safety concern as they defrosted the freezer, but let the water run all over the floor and sometimes because of mums osteoarthritis she can’t always bend down to clean it. This is written in her care plan. As my sister said they were more bothered about throwing a teenagers clothes away which were neatly in a warddrove then they were an actual safety risk.

I will be contacting the care commission this is unacceptable. My sister is also partially sighted and it was horrible to see her desperately searching through those bags for her stuff whilst sobbing her heart out. I helped obviously.

As I have said they have made no contact with me or my sister to help sort it out. They also bullying mum as to why we haven’t sorted out yet despite the fact she has told them they work in the week, they just won’t listen. It’s disgusting.

I really hate paid carers. They just like to lord it over people and act like the saviours meanwhile they rob their victims (carees) out of their life savings and even their homes. When I worked in Asda doing the delivery pick ups in store, you could tell the care home orders from a mile off. They always bought a large number of the most cheapest (then white boxed things).

I’m now utterly stressed. I’m on meds where I’m not supposed to eat high fat or I face serious consequences. Unfortunately due to dealing with the situation tonight, I was unable to cook so had to get McDonald’s. I am really going to regret it tomorrow.

Call the police pronto. What a company.

I will be writing to the care commission tomorrow. I get stuff needs sorting but they are literally bullying a person with mental health problems. I’m now completely and utterly stressed.

Now I just feel utterly awful. My anxiety is now through the roof thanks to these idiots, and yet they were brought in and supposed to aleviate me of all that. My anxiety is just so bad that I’m having to take the day of work

They have no right of entry. Tell them via email to stop coming, and if they enter the property they will be guilty of trespass. Make a Safeguarding Complaint with Social Services today. I would take pictures of the bags put out as waste, where they are, then put them somewhere dry and safe so you can go through them, take pictures of the damaged items and demand replacements or compensation for all damaged goods. List them with prices. Copy to the LA and CQC!

What the others say. Do complain about this. Also about safeguarding issues, raise it with the police, they will be part of the investergation team but if you are not there with your mum, ask a neighbour to stay with her if they can for safety, as if they’re trying to stop her, taking her meds then there will be muck hitting the fan which you don’t need at this moment. Take care

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Record it all in a diary.

I have spent the last couple of days cleaning my room, and getting rid of things however there was only so much I can do in the intense heat.

As my sister said, it is like they are trying to turn the house into a shell and are getting rid of everything. It’s worrying. It all seems to come down to one particular carer who can’t seem to get her priorities straight. They have left mum in real situations which are a threat to her safety, such as defrosting the freezer and then not cleaning it up leaving a huge puddle on the floor for two days. I don’t see how that is less of a threat then a pile of clothes that hasn’t been put away for a couple of days.

As a result I will be complaining to social services to have her removed. In the meantime, I have attached a note to both my sister and I’s door. On the note I wrote for people to keep out and that the items in those rooms are the responsibility of me and my sister and will be cleaned and maintained by us. I have left my phone number, and it’s written in large red letters. I was not rude, but I said at the end of the note I just said failure to comply will result in action been taken. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but as I keep thinking what if I still lived there would they be invading my room whilst I was at work?

As my sister said we can’t do it all in a weekend, yet we should not be forced to give up everything, a shelf of DVDs, books and figurines are not harming anyone. She also said it’s like the classic, one cup, one bowl, one plate strategy that people in care homes have. It’s like she’s been reduced to almost nothing. It is just not right. People have clutter, show me a house that doesn’t have clutter.

I’m not even differing the issue either, the house needs TLC yes, but that is why she is on the waiting list for assisted accommodation because it’s too big to accommodate now. There have been issues in the past caused by a mental aunt but the house is pretty much immaculate now aside from a couple of areas, but there are reasons for that. There are cobwebs on the ceilings, but obviously she can’t climb up a ladder. I’m very short too and hate been on ladders, I can do it but only for a couple of minutes otherwise my legs turn to jelly. However I would hardly call this bad, nor neglectful. Unfortunately there are no tall, amble men in our lives.

Yes my mum is abit of a hoarder I will agree, but she’s hardly what some may call a dangerous hoarder. Most homes will probably have too many towels, or too many socks (that one is me, I love novelty socks too much), however these things are never going to put anyone’s life in danger. On these tv shows people collect all sorts of junk, boxes, newspapers, cooking supplies, food. Stuff that if caught on fire will be bad, but I can honestly say hand on heart that mums home nowhere even close to somewhat resembling that. The stuff she likes to hoard are blouses from Asda, all brand new whilst I will admit it’s alot for one person, it’s not that bad. It’s hardly taken over her life, they are just neatly piled on the table next to the washing machine. There’s maybe about 20 -30 of them. She loves them dearly, and likes to iron them all the time. So they are well looked after.

I will be ringing to complain, and demand compensation for the items that have been damaged. Today I found a lot of my dads stuff in the bin, yes you can argue that his clothes may need to go, but this was his models. He was a keen airfix modeller, and was brilliant at it. Whilst I was studying media at college he helped me build the sets for my animation modules, due to his help I got the highest grade you could get, 168 UCAS points and a scholarship to uni. Yet these models had been thrown away, it wasn’t even like it was a lot. It was basically a shoe box full of army men, and flags. I rescued them, and within that box I also found a model train. (Me and dad used to build train sets also). I just sobbed at the site of this little train in the bin. Those items are worth so much more than money can by. The worst part is they were put in a blue bin meaning they can’t even get the bins right. I have rescued the little men and the train, and taken pictures to send.

I hear where you are coming from. Despite the fact that you are doing your best, they still got no right to touch anything of yours unless they have made your mum say something that she should not be made to do. Something can be rescue or try to replace but it is not the same. If they are making a big thing of fire risk, the fire service offer to do a risk assessment and smoker alams and other things for free. Most houses are cluttered, the only ones that are not are show room houses on new estate. If you can turn up when they are due unannounced and have it out with them as by the sounds of it they are not listening to anyone. Also they should let you know if things were not right or they were going to do things as it might not be in the terms and conditions of the contract.

Find a new care company pronto. I recommend country cousins.

The home has smoke alarms and had adaptations put in recently by the landlord. The landlord literally only had a gas safety check done yesterday morning too, everything has been marked as fine. The smoke alarms work, everything.

The landlord or workers for them have recently done work to the home, i.e gas safety checks, they have done a couple of repairs, they build a new framework to hide the boiler pipes in my room to meet new regulations. Not long after dad died they did an inspection for insurance purposes and the house was a mess then, we just explained the situation and they were fine. At no point have they ever said anything. So these carers or should I say carers managers are getting on their high horses.

I’ve mentioned before that my sister is also partially sighted. She’s a very able person, but her life is very structured in a sense. She does live a very normal life , works, the company she works for makes adaptations for her. They’ve given her leeway on some of the targets, not that she needs it. She is well above. However, her eye sight is not something that can be corrected by glasses or contract lenses. Everything she reads needs to be in large print. Luckily we live on a prominent road for busses into the town centre, so she knows she can catch any bus going that way, but going elsewhere she relies on me or her friends. It’s not that she can’t see, it’s just that she can’t see clearly for more than a few metres. By the time she can see the bus number, chances are she will miss it. However in the case of her room, the carers have been through it and moved everything or thrown it away. By moving items, they have messed with her eye sight and it’s just not right. She was in tears the past couple of days because it really hurts her both emotionally and physically when people move her stuff.

I get what you are saying about their contract, but according to mum the carers manager is constantly asking where me and my sister are. When mum has replied they are at work and don’t get home until 6-7 pm they just said that we should really be doing our rooms. Every teens room, or young female adult will have probably a few more clothes, boxes of make up and jewellery. In my case I have a lot of books neatly on a book shelf, along with pop vinyls it’s completely normal, yet they are making a big thing of it. I’m not talking hundreds, I’m talking a couple of shelves on a perfectly steardy bookshelf. These people have clearly never read a book in their lives. Yes I will agree there is a little bit of clutter, at the moment there are board games under my bed which need to be dealt with, and an old set of drawers which needs to be taken down, but that is what we are doing just sorting though things. However I just don’t think our rooms should just have a bed and an empty shelf in them.

Yes it does seem like words have literally been put into mums hands. There also seems to be the fact that mum keeps saying they are mentioning gaining power of attorney, but I won’t let that happen. They cannot force anyone to gain financial control. I deal with mums bills just fine, and there has never been an issue apart from the TV licence which was sorted out the second I learnt of it.

Yea I believe she lack capacity in some areas, and struggles to make decisions sometimes, but gaining power of attorney to have control is not the answer. She struggles because she’s got limited understanding, I have mentioned this time and time again to everyone and it’s in her OT report. When a big decision is made, she needs someone to communicate in more depth and simple terms so she understands. She needs to know what is asked of her, what she needs to do, how to do it, and what will happen as a result.

An example of this would be, she recently broke her phone. The poor thing was on its way out when I had it, never mind when she’s been using it. She’s not someone who can easily buy a new phone, so I had to do it for her. I doubt she would even know what type of phone it is, other than it’s an iPhone.I bought the phone on her behalf and had to tell her what I was doing with her money, how much, and what I had to do to the phone. I also had to buy the exact same one, luckily it’s an older model so they are fairly cheap. I then had to tell her when she would get it. She just needs to understand what is coming. She now has the phone and she is happy it’s “pink.” I know this sounds like an example every younger person experiences with an older relative and technology, but it’s like that for everything.

In terms of financial matters, I believe the world is far too advanced and technological nowadays and for people like her it’s a world away from anything she could understand and because of that it is very dangerous. I’m half and half I understand the technical side of things but try to do things very traditional, it’s better for the economy and independent businesses that way. Having said that for mum to understand how to pay her bills, it just won’t happen. I also think it’s best that she doesn’t understand how to pay online for things because she is far too vulnerable. This is how fraud happens.

As far as I am concerned my mum doesn’t really have reason to be in our rooms (yes it’s her house), legally and contractually yes, she does. However it’s just common courtesy that most parents would leave their older children’s rooms alone unless they really had to do something. I’m sure there will be hundreds if not thousands of homes across the U.K. where the kids have moved out, but the bedroom is still the same. I just don’t understand what their problems are, expecially when they are clearly not doing their jobs properly in other areas.

The fact that they are telling mum to get rid of dads clothes is another thing. I don’t think any of us are ready yet. Loosing a parent is different at different ages, but people forget I was 2 days past 24 when my dad died. My youngest sister was 18 and the other was 20. I was dealing with call centres agents who were refusing to close his account without speaking to him, difficult forms and arranging his funeral only days after his death because I was next of kin. Life is still tough and a challenge without him, everyday is a learning curve. I’m not saying I live everyday like he has gone, I’m just saying I’m surrounded by people who still have their parents/ parent however they may be and I wish people had more understanding. I live life, I do normal things but I still feel like I’m still too young to let go, I’m still maturing and developing. I was always a late developer. His items are a reminder, he existed because some days it feels like he never did, it has been so long now. Seeing that little train in the bin really got me, he is now sat on my shelf, next to the larger model I have of him. I describe it as little, it was actually from a model train set me and dad worked on when I was around 10. It’s not particularly tiny, so it’s not like it could have easily been thrown out. Luckily he is okay.

The point stands that mum didn’t know it was there either so they are throwing things out without her permission. Important documents lie within folders in that house and it just seems like they are throwing away what they see. Their only excuse is “fire hazard.”

My point still stands have they ever seen a house fire caused by hoarding because I bet they haven’t. I had to cover one once for my job; it was horrible, but the sheer amount of paper and flammable objects I saw in the pile afterwards.

As for his clothes It’s not like he had loads though either, they are neatly packed In a suitcase. In a largish house, it is nothing.

I know it sounds like I am been defeatist in a way, yes stuff does need to go, however I do not believe in the one bowl, one cup, approach. I live alone and I don’t even do that. Items which have no meaning now are slowly been moved and taken wherever they need to go.

Okay this is what you need to do. Find a new better care company pronto. Report the care company to the police as well. Country Cousins are good and they are nationwide as well. The current care agency are obviously failing you, I wonder what their CQC rating is.

Coolcar, not sure if you can put a lock or lockable bolt on bedrooms as it’s rented?

Is the rest of the house now decluttered, clean and tidy? I remember you struggling with having to live with your Mum because of the state of the house.

What does the care plan say the carers should be helping your Mum with?

The paid carer can’t have POA as there would be conflict of interests as she is a support worker. Who is she proposing your Mum nominates? You already carry out that role for finances anyway.

Your Mum can request a different carer.

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Yes, to an extent, it’s fairly clean aside from issues such as cobwebs on the ceiling. The walls could do with a paint in the living room because the white paint has gone abit yellow thanks to the sun. Otherwise any cleaning jobs, are just everyday things, countertops, pots, shower, hoover and so on. Mum struggles sometimes because of her arthritis.

As for the the bedrooms I have attached a note to the door of both mine and my sisters rooms. It states that any concerns about the bedroom should be addressed to us. We have left a phone number. I wrote on it that failure to comply would result in action been taken. The room is now a whole lot emptier than it was only two days ago. Yes there is a bin bag that needs dealing with full of plush, but it will be sorted on another date. It is not harming anyone. It was the hottest day of the year yesterday and today I deserve a day off before I head back to work for the next five days only to do more next Saturday.

Yeah they were problems before, but that was relating to my aunt who was most definitely a hoarder, she was evicted from her property because it was that bad. After a major argument, mum stopped speaking to the aunt and the house looked better in a week. It could not be done around the aunt because she kept bringing more of her crap to put in it.

The care plan does involve helping her clean the main areas and promoting her to make meals and eat well and take her medicine. It is also to offer her social support.

If there was ever a need for POA it would be me, however I do not see a need for one at the present time. Yes she needs help with things, however she is still strong minded enough to know what she wants after communication has been met.

I have called safeguarding about the issue, just waiting for a reply from a duty worker now.

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