Mum may have got herself arrested

All about caring
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Hi, sorry it has been an extremely difficult few days, I have been doing my absolute best to distract myself.

Me and K broke up and I am distraught about it. As per other threads it was an eventful breakup and he is currently not talking to me. Its at this moment when I have to say that I have just had enough of dealing with all this. I don’t want to do it anymore. I am sick of feeling terrible about the whole situation and feeling incredibly numb and powerless. I am sick of fighting. I am missing K so much, but I currently don’t know when or if I will ever hear from him again.

I got so emotionally overwhelmed that I said I ‘didn’t want to do this anymore’ (as in my life) and I upset him. He told me he couldn’t deal with my stresses as well as his own. (He has alot going on to) I broke down even more when he didn’t know if he wanted to stay with me. I had to go to a mental health place that night. He told me he still loved me, but he was hurt. He then blocked me on social media and we haven’t spoken since. I miss him so much. He saved me from my mother, and now he has gone. I still love him, and I hope he will forgive me in time. I just wish that time was sooner. I hope he still loves me.

I am fed up of the trail of destruction caused by my mums needs which is making me ill. I am sick of battling because I wont enable her destructive behaviour. I am sick of loosing because of her damn needs. I am sick of waiting for these damn care packages to take hold. I am sick of being held responsible by everyone everytime she does something. I am fed up of it all. I just wanted to be happy, but that is not possible. I will always be alone because of her.

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You are NOT responsible for your mother.
Your partner has NOT “gone” at all. You frightened him, and he drew back because he too has more than he can handle dealing with his own mum right now. As I’ve said before, you need to sort yourself out so that you are no longer needy. Have you bought the book I recommended, Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff?
You can be free of mum, you can be happy, you can be with someone but first you need to stop feeling so negative about everything. If you can’t even be bothered to buy a self help book, you are never gong to break the cycle. Mum is clearly very “self focussed”, and at the risk of being unkind, you seem to think along the same lines as far as your relationship is concerned. However, maybe mum never taught you to be resilient, because she never was. You have excellent academic qualifications and a good job, the envy of many. As a journalist, you might actually find the writing style of the book interesting? You might hate it, but the only way you will find out is to turn your computer on and buy it!

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You seem to be going round and round in negative circles. Read back on all of your posts and decide which 1st step you are going to take towards a happier positive life. It’s possible to be happy without the person you love. I miss my husband very much,. I’m not unhappy however. I try to look at what I have achieved. I may have a down moment,I’m sure most do.They are only moments though You have achieved lots as bowlingbun states. Far more than many to your credit. Hopefully you can use your experiences good and bad to help others.

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Thanks. I have bought it. Just waiting for it to arrive.

I know I can be happy, and I want to be happy. I really do. I’m just so downtrodden because I have just put up with over two years of hell from her. I miss how things used to be. I used to be the idiot who would get a train to london on my own without a care in the world. Now I can’t go to the supermarket without worrying if I will get a call about what condition mum is in, whether she has been taken into police custardy. No I am not responsible for her. I have told social services that a million times. I have told family and friends that a million times. I gave up ages ago. I am fed up of feeling like everyone puts on me.

One of my favourite things in the world right now is just driving with my sister and having the stupidest of conversations. I also drive everyday to work through a rural area, and I have never ever got bored of it. People say to me, i am mad for travelling like i do. I always say the same, I love it. The drives started in lockdown, I only got my car a couple of months before it happened. When people could travel again, I would practice driving and soon after dad was diagnosed with cancer the drives became a method of just getting out the house. It gave me and my sister a chance to reflect.

That all went when dad died, because mum would not be left alone. I soon got the interview at the place I am at now, which I still say was meant to be. The first time I ever drove out of my home town was for this interview. I remember driving and looking at the road signs thinking ‘How the hell do you get to 60 on these roads?’ I am now a seasoned professional even if the speed limit has changed.

Recently, those drives started again. I have decided that this month, I don’t care if I don’t save any money because I just want to focus on getting my head straight, and coming out of a situation with good memories. On Friday, we travelled my route to work on an evening when it was mid evening, I kind of felt better after that. We had our usual stupid conversations. On Saturday we were limited due to the football game in the area, but on Sunday we decided to go charity shop hunting as we do. Before long we decided to go somewhere else on a whim.

The thing about me is, I am still very cautious about driving on motorways, I am okay with them and know how to do them, but have still feared them. I suppose it comes down to the fact, that no one else in my family drives, so I didn’t grow up around all of that. I haven’t done them that much though only maybe less than 10 times in the past few years. I have always been slightly nervous on approach to them, and for a short while on them. Yesterday, nothing whatsoever. To me, that feeling of just getting away was so much stronger than anything. Its that what makes me feel contempt with the world. I loved it.

The trip was planned on a whim really, although I wanted to go to a certain shop they had at this place. The original plan was that we would go this Sunday because there is a comic con in the area. In the heat of the moment, I just said ‘sod it’. Were going again this Sunday.

I really want to be better, and I know I can be. At the moment, I feel trapped in a lifestyle I have no control over. I would always say to K, how much I wanted to go on holidays with him and how much I wanted to be that idiot who travels again.

It sounds silly, but I want to see the sun reflecting on trees. I want to feel the air, and see all the fields.

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This last post sounds like it was mainly written by someone else. I know what you mean about driving, I have lived in the New Forest since I was born, I do the same drives over and over again, but something is always changing. I used to do loads of motorway driving towing a caravan, but following my husband in his lorry. Soon after he died, I had to drive up to the Midlands, I was running a show at Coalville. It was odd on my own, but then I decided to just follow any lorry up the motorway. They have 56 mph speed limiters, and as the cab is higher, they can see further ahead than in a car. If they start breaking, I ease off the accelerator, and I don’t get close either. It’s much more relaxing than weaving between lanes. With Spring in the air, it’s a wonderful time to be out and about, blow the cobwebs away. Lovely to see that you’ve found your first step to a new life.

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A post was merged into an existing topic: Roll Call February 2023

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Definitely some positive vibes coming through. Well done :relieved:

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Coolcar, am I right in thinking your sister has special needs? Who is going to look after her, and where, if mum moves??

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Not quite. My sister is partially sighted, but is still very capable living a normal life to an extent. She doesn’t live with mum and has her own place herself. I tend to just help her with forms. I also help her with shopping, she can do it herself, but she gets very anxious in shops. She is also lactose intolerant, so she has to read labels in shops and she has to take the time. I just do it for her. She like me has anxiety and she can’t cope with people rushing about, and crowds, she has to take her time with things. Other than that, she has a job and can live very normally.

I pick her up from work, but that is only a convenience thing because I drive past her workplace on the way home from mine. She leaves just as I get near there, so it works. She also lives on my route back.

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Your sister sounds great. You often mention anxiety about crowds and people rushing about, I quite understand. Although I can get a fast train to London if I wanted to, I only go every 4 years, and then only to important meetings. As soon as the meeting is over I get a taxi, straight back to Waterloo Station, and home again. I love living in the New Forest, a mile from the nearest shops. The boundary for the National Park is the white line in the middle of the road outside my home. Even in the middle of summer our immediate area doesn’t see many tourists. A pair of buzzards live in a farm nearby, and I often hear them calling to each other as they go for a trip round. The footpath nearby goes across fields where deer are often seen. There is an archery club nearby, the red deer here are semi tame, as they have learned that these humans won’t hurt them - I’ve taken a picture of them less than 6 feet away! A friend has trail camera in the woods behind her house, a white deer is a regular visitor. Maybe long term you might consider moving to a more rural environment?

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Thanks. I know drives help me, but they only have so much of an impact, and they don’t control the frequent panic attacks that I have. It’s like now is one of those times, and they are getting worse. The drives help me when I am feeling that way out in my head, but they often become very physical. I am suddenly experiencing cold sweats, and my feet feel nonexistent. My stomach feels empty, and my vision is becoming blurry. My head feels light. I have eaten today, but I don’t think that is it. My muscles are also very tight and weak. My breathing is hard, and uncontrollable. Yet, I still feel the need to continue, but I know I can’t.
I am sat at my work desk, but really feel like I don’t want to be in the office. I want to be tucked away in a safe space but that isn’t possible right now. I have taken my tablets, but nothing. I am finding it so difficult because I have a job to do, I feel enormous pressure to carry on.
I feel like this is affecting my job massively, and I can’t do it. I feel awful. I feel like I am letting people down.
I guess I worry if what I am doing is right. I am going to see my ex partners Nana, although she has agreed to keep in touch. I wonder if it is the right thing to do. I don’t want to be seen like I am stalking him and only doing this to get in touch with him.

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I am just so downtrodden right now. I am doing what I can to keep happy but the world just seems to want to hurt me all the time. I sometimes think it’s my fault for simply existing, it’s my fault for not ‘following the rules’ as in allowing myself to be kicked down and not following what is expected of me.

After my panic attack earlier, I have tried to have an uneventful evening and try to relax abit. I know what I am experiencing is getting much worse, and I’m waiting for my new course of medication to take effect. I am going to buy some Kalms medication in the morning and see if they work in the meantime.

I got a takeaway for tea and decided to settle down with some television. Even the takeaway was too much for me. I had the uneventful evening chatting to a friend, and settled down for bed.

I know it’s not me, and I could have cried earlier when I went to work. They know i have experienced a lot lately and they have really supported me through it. They have been very understanding when I’ve had moments of panic, or moments when I’ve had to remove myself from a conversation and keep quiet for abit. Today about half way into the morning, one of them said out loud , “we have all chipped in and have bought you a few things for your new place.” I really could have cried. In the bag was a few random household bits like a cup and a desk tray. They had also bought me haribos and a bag of Reece’s cups, which they know I love.

They have been incredibly supportive lately. When it was my birthday a few weeks ago they went above and beyond too. They wrapped all my presents in wrapping paper that they had designed based on a joke which goes around the office. We also had a nice lunch in a nearby pub. It’s people like them who have really kept me going. It’s people like them who have shown me that I am respected and thought of.

There have also been times when they have said tomorrow we will go and get a milkshake.

There has also been other people who have really helped me, and I am so thankful. I get texts of my ex’s Nana asking me if I am okay and always says she is here. I see my sister everyday too. They both have helped me get some normality moving into a new place.

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