This is my first ever post and I guess I just wanted to dip my toe in the water.
I am a 51 year old male who is caring for my Mother who is 94 and has various health issues.
I love my Mother dearly but recently have been finding things hard and we have started to argue.
On average I go to the Drs for various things with her about 4 times per month, do the shopping and stay in with her at weekends etc.
I myself developed a balance disorder in 2012 which put paid to my job as an electrician after 28 years.
I volunteered with the Citizens Advice and a few other organisations for nearly two years whilst I re-trained in more of an office role, but in 2017 my balance disorder kicked in again after a stressful time that saw my brother die of cancer.
I feel physically better now but will never be 100% and have had to try to learn to accept that.
I am finding myself feeling isolated even though I come from a large family.
I have lost touch with my old circle of friends who on reflection were not the best group to hang around with.
My Mother saves her Black moods for me and seems ‘happiness and light’ to my other siblings who really don’t know how limited my mother’s mobility has become ( or even ask) and I am feeling resentful.
At times I worry for my own future as we live in a council house and I have lost confidence in myself.
I am single and a full time carer, apart from worrying about my Mother I worry about ever having a career, stability or even a partner again.
I am single and do not not exactly feel the world’s greatest catch as financially things are obviously tough and I have made my Mother a priority above a social life etc.
Thinking like this and being frustrated with the situation in turn makes me feel very guilty as if in some way I’m being disloyal to my Mum, and do sometimes get angry with my life and situation.
Can anyone relate and offer tips?
Many thanks in advance.
Welcome to the forum. I’m concerned that you don’t mention anyone helping you with mum’s care.
Have you ever asked Social Services for Needs Assessment for her, and a Carers Assessment for you?
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance, so you can claim Carers Allowance?
I’m very concerned about your housing situation.
If dad lived with mum in the house, then that will mean that you may not have the “right of succession” to the property when mum dies or goes into care. Sometimes, but not often, the council will rehouse you somewhere smaller, but sadly, some carers who have come to the forum have been made homeless four weeks after the death of the last parent. Do you know what the policy is of the council where you live?
Has mum arranged for you to have Power of Attorney if needed?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No)
Don’t stay and listen to mum in a black mood, you are a wonderful son to care for a woman in her 90’s, but sadly she has probably lost the ability to see how much you are doing for her. This is a common trait of the “very elderly” so don’t take it personally.
I’ll add a couple of links if needed … NOT an issue to be ignored !!!
What you are doing for mums is admirable and a personal quality many others would find attractive. It does seem as though the balance between her needs and yours has over tipped somewhat. It’s important for you own well being that you get some regular breaks away, preferably something weekly or daily where you can maintain interests and social life, and then the occasional short break of a week or weekend away
I think you need to arrange for the other siblings to cover these times
that way you get the breaks you need, and they will start to realise the scale of the task for themselves. Don’t wait for them to ask or offer, you need to tell them how it is going to be. If they argue, tell them that if you don’t get breaks you will get ill and cannot carry on and they will have to do it all.
I understand that you have been through a lot but it’s good you’ve realised its not working well for you, that’s very positive and is the first step in taking control of your future
Thank you all so much for your replies it is really appreciated.
@ Bowlingbun Hi, yes we had a carer come in from the Community Access Team for an hour once a week, that has now stopped.
I am on Carers allowance as well as ESA myself, my Mother is getting Attendance allowance.
My mother has zero in savings and my father died back in the 80s. We have contacted the council who have said I am “entitled” to apply for succession of tenancy in the event of her death.
That doesn’t sound very comforting to me though, “being entitled” to apply for succession doesn’t fill one with confidence.
I have lived at the property for twenty years.
@ Chris from the gulag I’d be very grateful if you could put up a couple of links regarding succession as I have a bad feeling about all this, as I do not trust the council.
@ MrsAverage thank you (and all who have replied) for your kind words.
I am starting to get resentful of my other siblings who turn up once a week ( if that) and would rather talk about politics than ask how my mother is or how we are coping.
Many thanks to you all for your kind replies.
Who better than the acknowledged experts … SHELTER :
Can you inherit a council tenancy? - Shelter England
One classic thread on the forum … LAMPCHOP … wherein a forum member was made homeless … not just yet ?
Why did the one hour once a week stop?! That’s very miserly, not even time for a hair cut. It still leaves you caring for 167 hours a week.
Go back and say you just cannot cope, and that mum will have to go into residential care unless they do more. Since mum has no savings the full cost would have to be met by Social Services, so they should be falling over themselves to make sure you keep caring for her!!!
With regard to succession, did they confirm what they said in writing?? If not, write to them, and ask them to write back.
@ Chris from the Gulag
Many thanks for the link, much appreciated.
Yes I did get a reply from the housing they said I was ‘entitled’ to apply for succession in a letter if that is any kind of guarantee of anything.
The jokers from The Community action team only have one carer from the entire London Borough we we live in.
Best wishes to you all.
Don’t forget us … especially Lambchop ?