New here

Hi everyone. Just joined today and I am hoping it can help as I’m struggling. I help care for my mum and I feel like it’s affecting all areas of my life. I feel guilty as I don’t think I’m doing the best for her, I’m constantly worried and stressed, I feel guilty for resenting her sometimes and wish she would get professional help. She needs a level of help that I can’t give her but she’s really proud and doesn’t want to get anyone in to help. Feel a bit lost.

Hi Lesley

The forum needs more information to assist further…

Mums age and physical/mental capacity.

Does mum live in own property owned and rented.

What support at all are you and Mum currently in receipt of.

What benefits are in place.

THE most common problem on the forum!! Whilst you care for mum, she can be in complete denial. The answer is to go away on holiday for two weeks. You clearly need a break from her, and she needs a reality check!

Otherwise do what I did, run yourself down in the ground and end up having life saving surgery?!!!

Whilst you do the caring, mum can pretend.

Many of us here have come here in the same state as you. I was where you were 2 years ago. Things are better now, because I had great advice from this forum, which I am paying forward now…

Start feeling proud about what you do and have done, not guilty about what you can’t

Ditch the guilt - if your Mum is elderly and unwell this is not your fault. It is sad that she needs more help than you can give, but not something for you to feel guilty about.

Get some help - if you answer the above questions, we can try and help you with this. Mum may not like it, but by the sound of it is what you need to happen now.

Start looking after yourself - if you crumble you won’t be doing your Mum any good and I am sure this isn’t what she would want. We all need breaks, time for ourselves, time for friends and hobbies. These are a must, not a luxury.

Let us know a bit more about your situation and we wil try to help. xx

Hi Lesley

Do you have a carers’ organisation in your local area? If you do, you can contact them for advice and support; even if it’s only to talk to someone about your situation, which can often help. You may also be able to get some information about respite care and carers’ breaks, etc.
I joined our local ‘Carers’ Cuppy’ group, where I can meet with other carers for coffee and a chat once a month; that’s run, in my area, by the Carers’ Association.
I hope this helps, because you really need to take care of yourself to be able to look after your mum.

Hi, thanks to everyone who replied, my mum is 65 she lives alone and suffers from numerous illnesses but the main issue is COPD. She has oxygen in the house which does help but she struggles to get about and rarely leaves the house. She does get financial help but I am unsure of what other support is available.

Mum should be receiving Attendance Allowance or might be on Disability Living Allowance or Personal Independence Payment.
If you ask Social Services to arrange a Needs Assessment for mum, they might be able to arrange for carers to help her, or equipemnt to make life easier.
Also ask Social Services to do a Carers Assessment for you, to look at what they can do to support you as a carer.
Does mum have a pendant “life line” pendant and phone, so she can summon help if she falls etc.?

Does mum live in her own home, or is it privately rented?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (over this amount Social Services will expect her to pay the full cost of her care)